!!! WARNING. ADULT MATERIAL !!!
If you are underage, or in any way forbidden by your government or religious laws from viewing X-rated subject matter, please do not go there. If, however, you are not restricted by any laws in your geographical location, by all means click on the image above, to read my spicy tale.
[ Spaciotemporal Reader: this little masterpiece of sci-fi parody is dedicated to Stanislaw Lem (1921-2006), whose exquisitely hyperbolic tales of futuristic intrigue eventually drove me insane. Click on his link to learn more about this incredible author out of Poland. I greatly recommend a movie just released based on the above-featured novel, called “Congress.” Click here to discover a synopsis and reviews about this astounding film. While the tomatometer rates it 76%, I give it a 92. ]
It was somewhere in the Crab Nebula that I visited a particular planet as The Milky Way’s Ambassador, and planned to vacation there for approx’ly two months. It was the year 2076. You may be reading my report years before that time, because this dispatch has been teleported to key moments in the past, but no earlier than 2014. By which time I had simultaneously become president of Athenia, world’s first gay nation (formerly Northern California), and Earth’s Star Spokesperson thanks to the Reptilians of the Andromeda Galaxy who chose me for such a position because they consider moi the most compassionate sentient being of this world and its galaxy.
I co-presided as Athenia’s commander with My Ultimate Soulmate, Larkin Kelsey, who was too preoccupied with Dark Matter Intrigue to accompany me on my journeys through the Crab Nebula. Now, this may seem peculiar to you, as Larkin is highly telepathic and can also travel anywhere in time at the snap of a finger. Yet in spite of his remarkable abilities, he is compelled to obey the dictates of An Even Higher Force: a force which rules over, and contains, every aspect of this universe, and all the multiverses ad infinitum. For lack of a better term, let us call this force “Universal Mind.” And this force so deemed that I must embark upon my journey as sole missionary.
The moment I stepped out of The Enterprise v1.2, the first thing that struck me was the planet’s extraordinary sky: like a rippling zebra skin, black elongated clouds sailed seductively against a background of light-gray firmament. Or like the comforter on Leisure Suit Larry‘s water bed, if you switch your perspective from up to down.
The Grand Poobah of this world welcomed me with open tentacles, and escorted me to all their finest hotels, restaurants, theme parks, media outlets, prostitution clubs (from which I refrained the attainment of full orgasm out of respect for My One True Love), 5-D entertainment centers and the average homes of Nebularean Residents. I must say here, that my greatest delight was visiting these domiciles of average citizens, for their hospitality was beyond any Malibu Integral Massage Therapy I could ever imagine, as it came with the most splendiferous arse-rimming perks.
Some days later, the Grand Poobah approached me to offer phenomenal pleasures beyond what I have yet known. He proudly spoke the following declaration which mesmerized me into such fevered temptation, I lost all reason:
“Sensations many you have great in your world that to heights of ecstasy bring you unbelievable. Yet assure you myself, kind vertebrate, that Nebulareans we can titillate your soul in ways never known before you’ve. We expose you can to incredible levels such of ecstasy erotic that again never you will return to former enjoyment ways of seeking!”
Of course I was greatly seduced to dive right in (considering all the sensual amenities already provided me in barely a week since my arrival), but a tiny alarm bell dinged in my cranium:
“But there is one man I love so much, I couldn’t bear to discover any pleasure that would make our delight in each other fade from my heart!” Of course I meant Larkin whose joy in my friendship is the jealousy of 42 thousand galaxies and 574 dimensions. “So with all due respect, I will refrain from your magnanimous offer.”
The Grand Poobah immediately flushed a refulgent pink, but quickly recovered to a sour green. “Course of, perfectly comprehend me. Forgive please indiscretion this. Cultural some differences never be bridged can, and would I dream not broaching social barriers your own.”
The Poobah promptly vanished, and I found myself escorted to an egg-shaped room by His Doppelganger Guardians, where I awaited the descent of The Enterprise v1.8. Which starship beamed me up and returned me to Planet Earth in the wink of a Tralfamadorian‘s orbital socket.
War swiftly broke out between Planet Earth’s Intergalactic Federation and The Crab Nebula’s Union of Soviet Socialist Face Suckers. In less than one week after their initial salvo, the entire Crab Nebula and 18 surrounding galaxies (plus four energy-sponging black holes) were obliterated into subatomic dust. A piece of wisdom you should all bear in mind:
Larkin Kelsey commands the entire fleet of the Andromeda Galaxy, which Reptilians were the first civilization in the entire history of the universe, to leave their home planet and terraform all other worlds. Their technology and understanding of Universal Law far surpasses that of any other sentient life anywhere in the cosmos (or any other cosmos). So when you try to turn me against My Dragonly Heartsong, there will be hell to pay. Or IOW:
Don’t mess with My Buddy Larkin.
In reference to PC Pitstop’s article dated July 31, 2014: PC Matic Breaks Virus Detection Record on VB100’s RAP Test
[ Koinoniac Reader: let me cut to the chase and exclude everyone else’s comments, to share with you my own three cents. It always pays to get snockered up a bit, before participating in Tech Talk with a bunch of dweebs. I am referring here to my final repartee.]
August 12, 2014 at 9:22 am
Zeke Krahlin says:
What, no version for Vista? Softpedia doesn’t include that OS. And PC Matic has a poor rating of just two stars. See for yourself:
August 12, 2014 at 5:06 pm
PC Matic Support Team says:
Zeke: PC Matic works with Vista.
We hope you consider reviews posted by actual PC Matic users at other sites like amazon.com, download.com, pcmatic.com/testimonials.
August 12, 2014 at 8:06 pm
Zeke Krahlin says:
Okay, I just did. 3.9 stars out of 5. 190 customer reviews, 39 gave it just one star, four gave it two, and one gave it three. So I’m not impressed. When I duckduckgo’d “pc matic reviews” A slew of angry users on the first result page, alone. It may run on Vista, but I do not want to go there, now that I’m better informed. I’m totally pleased with my jerry-rigged suite of /free/ protection: MSE, PC Threatfire and Malwarebytes. Rarely do I catch a virus or other bad thing…but when it happens, it’s always nipped in the bud. And I mess around a /lot/ with torrent sites and freeware. I have two laptops, one runs Vista, another 7. Then a lovely android tablet.
August 13, 2014 at 2:52 am
PC Pitstop says:
Just to clarify – there are 2 Amazon listings for PC Matic.
100 Reviews – 4.3 out of 5
August 12, 2014 at 8:15 pm
Zeke Krahlin says:
A blogging geek gave this review of PC Matic, and was not impressed. User comments below, not all unhappy with your software.
August 13, 2014 at 2:50 am
PC Pitstop says:
Thanks for sharing. We hope Mr Karg updates his review that is now 3 years old.
Find attached a great example of a reviewer who took the time to revisit PC Matic:
August 13, 2014 at 7:13 am
Zeke Krahlin says:
I just read the article /and/ the additional Amazon reviews, and have to say I am not as impressed as I’d like to be. But your company is definitely on the right track. However, when the reviews are bad, they are /very/ bad…often resulting in a totally crippled system solely because they installed and ran PC Matic. I have a very secure and safe system by using those three programs I mentioned in an earlier comment. But also with Ccleaner. I am talking about /free/ versions only. PC Matic seems to be a fusion of those four applications…with the severe disadvantage of great harm to a significant percentage of users. You don’t know me, but I’ve been around PC’s and cyberspace for quite a number of years. And have even contributed some applications and uniquely creative entertainment never accomplished before, or since.
I’ve been part of the computer underground since the early years (mid-80’s), and have assisted many new users on how to facilitate one’s access to cyberspace in order to improve their minds and livelihood. But my calling is on the application of global networks to enlighten people on the urgency of ending homophobia…mostly through tales, essays, emails, newsgroup articles, blogs, discussion boards and web pages. Were it not for my dedication to that particular cause, I could easily become one of your most valued contributors to matters of online security, especially when it comes to guiding the average netizen in the right direction for best results w/o risk.
Freeware security programs abound that in combination can exceed PC Matic’s level of security and privacy, minus any risk. In fact, I originated the concept of antivirus methodology by proposing the use of three major algorithms originally intended to secure the integrity of file transfers. I was extensively quoted in the now-defunct computer magazine Micro Cornucopeia, on just this subject. That was back in 1988. I’ve scanned that article years ago, which you can still read here:
Naturally, that link provides the gateway to all my other good works via cyberactivism…as the domain name is as plain as the nose on your face. The home page gives access to my WordPress blog, Facebook page, and Twitter account as well. So keep up the good work: more dedication and less snake oil, please. But even at this point of PC Matic’s astounding evolution, I can still direct users to totally free applications that do the same thing on a much better, and safer, scale. After such a scathing critique, it is only fair of me to add:
PC Pitstop’s newsletter rocks…one of the very best out there!
Most sincerely (and with a dash of CyberHumor):
Ezekiel J. Krahlin
Jehovah’s Queer Witness and long term hacker advocate (I am the founder of Berkeley Unix User Group born in January Y2K)
“A government is only as good as its operating system.” – Mighty Mouse Virus
Security Matters & Anti-Matters (or The Mighty Mouse Virus)
I hope I made your day. We are all brothers in the electronic noosphere.
Back by popular demand (all the demon voices in my head are clamoring for an encore), I give you “Gay Zombie Jesus Returns.” This piece is a sequel to my post “More Twitter Mischief w/Gay Jebus.” Notice that in most cases, inclusion of the tweet immediately prior my own is necessary for the sake of context. 33 abominably blasphemous Twitter pranks in all:
Due to image width limitation for this particular WordPress layout, most tweets are truncated at the right margin, so just click for a full version. Sorry for the inconvenience…but I think I’m so witty it’s worth the hassle. Besides, you need to slow down and relax. Dr. Zeke’s orders.
[ Or you can simply click here to view them all at once without the hassle! ]
[ Free Me From This Bond (sequel to the sequel): Chapter 15 ]
To: All My Reptilian Redeemers
Date: June 24, 2014
Well whaddya know, Divine Salamanders, I’m sitting quietly in my room around midnight, swyping away on my tablet (a blog entry I’m writing called “Benevolent Kingship”)…when guess whose voice I hear through my window? Larkin’s! So I looked out to see him across the street, lecturing a homeless newcomer to improve his grubby appearance by going to the Salvation Army. He was waving those gangly arms while vociferating: a booming voice that can be heard blocks away, especially when it’s dark and the air is chill (like tonight). And which voice (I must admit) is music to my ears. Like knowing his love and devotion will always be here for This Adoring Soul…a hidden communique just for me, riding the broadband of his larynx.
But first let me get this homeless twit outta the way, before I go on. She showed up in the Castro approx’ly five weeks ago, and is a noxious variety of urban weed. His effeminacy wouldn’t be a concern, if she weren’t such a backstabbing queen stereotype. Always scowling with a pinched-up face that is rubbery and mounted with a long swath of brown hair curled up in a big, fat knot on top. Clothed in a ratty and thick overcoat that reaches to her ankles and mostly hid those filthy blue jeans. Feet dirty and bare, fingernails way long and icky with grunge underneath.
I shall call her (or it) “Ms. Flaky.” She can usually be spotted seated or lying down on the rustic bench that lines the front of Cafe Flore, and is intended for customers only. One would think this is bad for business, especially when you realize this eatery has become such a ritzy-titzy joint in the last 15 years. If a place chases you out for ordering just a cup of coffee and maybe a slice of pie (’cause that’s one less table gushing moolah like a slot machine), it would seem they’d also chase away scummy vagrants. Even so, their lack of propriety in this matter does not reflect much concern for the neighborhood that provides them with a beautiful corner location. Their obsession with El Diablo de Dolares has overtaken their neighborly senses.
Now this is hilarious: my new next-door neighbor, Gabe, joked with me as we exited our apartment building. (FYI: no one living in my edifice has ever befriended me for well onto twenty years, so this is good.) He pointed at Ms. Flaky from across Noe Street, who was seated in her usual spot by Cafe Flore.
“There’s your new friend, Zeke!” he chortled.
At first I didn’t know who the fuk he meant, but then I realized, and said: “Oh god no, he’s not a friend! I haven’t even talked with him, and I hope I never will.” I was a tad disgusted that my new neighbor (who is quite the hottie in a late-fiftyish sorta way, and we’ve already kissed) would seriously think I’d hook up with absolute losers.
Then he told me he spoke with Ms. Flaky just the day before, and asked if he knew Zeke. Her response?
“Oh he’s an awful man, he pissed on me while I was sleeping on the bench.”
Now that certainly isn’t true, and I reminded Gabe about the many jerkwads who gossip to keep me from making new friends. I’m still not sure whether Gabe really spoke with the knotty-haired bitch (or if he did whether or not she claimed I pissed on him), but that’s neither here nor there. For he was yanking my leg…and I hope some day soon, he’ll be yanking another appendage to make up for it. I’ve already stuck this letter in an envelope to his door:
June 18, 2014
Dearest Neighbor Gabe,
Just checking up on you, hope you’re doing very well. I find you to be a marvelously eccentric, sweet and handsome fellow. So if you’d like to rescue me from one more lonesome night, I’m sure game! We can even keep our clothes on: I’m really big into affection.
Thank you again for gifting me with some high-grade edibles. Just what the doctor ordered!
Please know that you can knock on my door any time of day or night…something which I rarely grant anyone. Whenever you need a shoulder to lean on, someone to cheer you up, I’m your man! (Or your boy, however you wanna play the game.)
Your newest friend,
Well I ended our discussion about Ms. Flaky with the conclusion that she’s probably just another one of these guardian dragons spreading mischief to test my mettle. (Taking to heart as I do, Buddha’s tenet, “We have no enemies, only teachers.”) But also her anti-Zeke gossip is a handy way to root out those who wouldn’t really make good friends. Seeing as anyone who is so gullible as to play into the hands of scurrilous misfits, is not someone I’d really care to know. But since Gabe readily admitted he doesn’t believe what Ms. Flaky said about me, he passed that little test with flying crullers. Thus a sterling friendship is likely to unfold. (FYI: as a shamanic pagan, I prefer to use the word “dragon” instead of “angel,” but it comes down to the same thing.)
[ A bit more about Gabe, Engorged Reader, then I’ll get back to Larkin. I first noticed Gabe while standing outside the laundromat waiting for my clothes to dry. He was dressed in a tie-dye shirt of rainbow hues, a pair of green, baggy slacks and cheap thongs. But that face, that gloriously seraphic face, graced in a halo of shaggy, silver-gray hair: who could not notice such a face? He flashed me a bright smile in passing, and my widdle heart melted. I turned as he sauntered towards Market Street, and saw that he carried a smallish backpack, also rainbow colored. He’s about 6-foot-1, skinny but well shaped. Next time I saw him, about a week later, he was picking up debris at Duboce Park, all by his lone some, moving to a tune only he could hear through those ear buds.
The N Judah was just pulling up, but I hesitated in my desire to embrace the little stud muffin right then and there. (This was also the first time I saw him in shorts: loose-fitting and below the knees, yet revealing enough to show off a spectacular pair of gams…Gabe’s calves are something to die for, let me tell you! Of course I chickened out and hopped onto the light rail. So I sacrificed my passion once more, opting out instead for the mundane errand of grocery shopping at Parks Farmers Market. *sigh * )
Less than two weeks later I made my first move: he released those ear buds as I gestured and smiled at him. Then I spoke:
“I like the colorful duds you wear!”
“Thanks,” he replied, “I’m just getting into the swing of Gay Pride.”
“Oh, how nice,” I said, “So tell me, do you help clean up Duboce Park with a group or on your own?”
“On my own.”
“Cool, so now I know who’s responsible for keeping that park so neat!”
That was the sum total of our first conversation. Wasn’t till several more days had passed till I discovered (much to my lascivious delight) that Gabe resides in the same apartment building as yours truly! It was a balmy dusk, and I was standing outside by the trash bin, having a smoke and wishing for Larkin to stroll by. Here came Gabe instead (he didn’t see me) stopping at the front gate of 2306 to insert a key.
“Well,” I grinned to myself, “How very copacetic! I wonder which floor he lives on.”
Figuring though he already has a boyfriend and is probably monogamous– and in light of my history of doomed friendships and amours–I allowed myself the fantasy as a consolation prize. During the following weeks we met several more times and exchanged kind greetings. I handed him my business card in hopes he’d check out my novel. (Which later I learned he did, as well as some of my recent blog entries…whoopee!)
Now, just barely two weeks ago, as I climbed the steps to my hovel, I espied Gabe inserting a key into the door of apartment 206. WE’RE NEXT DOOR NEIGHBORS!!! Since that awesome turn of events, Darling Gabe has presented me with a baggie of THC-laced breakfast cereal…knowing by now that medicinal pot is beyond my meager financial reach. That is when we embraced and gave each other a warm peck on the cheek. But first he pressed his lips upon mine, and it was quite electric. Don’t know why on Dragon’s green orb I instantly shifted my mouth to his jaw, except that perhaps on an instinctive level, I thought it best to play the shy virgin. (Yeah that’s me alright: the innocent little boy who’d rather plunge his hand down a good man’s pants than any old cookie jar. o_0 )
He hasn’t been around for five or six days now; the stuffed penguin is still taped to his door, awaiting Gabe’s return and (hopefully) his joyful surprise. Though perhaps my silly overtures have scared him away, and I must once more live in awkward suspense as a result of my latest love’s foible, and the proximity of our abodes. Though I am certainly open to a sweet friendship… platonic all the way. (Or as we gays like to call it: “girlfriends.”) He did mention a couple of times a desire to visit his family down in SoCal, soon. But has mixed feelings thanks to a brother who used to punch him out brutally when Gabe was just a little squirt. I told him:
“Gabe, I’d feel the same way too. Just be sure that if you do show up, you won’t fly into a rage and smash his skull with a ball peen hammer.” (That cracked him up. So nice to put a smile on such a “cumly” mug.)
Gabe appears to be the eccentric type (like myself and Larkin in our own ways). Which attracts me even more than those super-good-looking dudes who are duller than a warmed-over omelette. Sometimes I see him standing about on this or that corner of the Castro, boogying to his mp3’s and waving his arms like he’s sprinkling fairy dust upon The Yellow Brick Road. He has also commented in regards to my visionary gift:
“Zeke, maybe that’s why I moved next door to you. Maybe I’m one of your guardian dragons to join you in our fight for liberation.”
“Oh I’m sure you are, Gabe,” I immediately replied, though in wonder.
“And maybe I’m also here to spread the good news about your book!”
Again I agreed with enthusiasm, for here was acknowledgment of my gay prophetic visions, standing right before me in glorious human form. I should have hugged Gabe that very moment, and wept tears of gratitude onto his shoulder. Gabriel The Archangel. (But I did not; don’t know what’s wrong with me. Write it off to a lifelong history of sorrows, and residual PTSD.) Then he gifted me with yet one more affirmation, I suppose to eradicate any remaining self-doubt that I might just be crazy, and nothing more:
“Wow, I’m so excited I can feel the wings sprouting from my shoulder blades!”
So, Gabe My Compassionate Archangel, you’ve made it into Book 3 of the trilogy “Free Me From This Bond!” Congratulations. (Right under the wire, but still, congratulations.) You will appear in the last, or second-to-last, chapter. Larkin saw to it that the happy ending wouldn’t enter the picture until well into the end play. IOW, Larkin (the true author, as if you didn’t know) wanted me to pen the most incredible cliffhanger/tearjerker romance of all time! Can you imagine what he put me through, to accomplish this? I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy…though maybe perhaps on Ms. Flaky. You are The Joy He Sent Me, and for that I am infinitely in your heart.
When you step out to celebrate (or stay home for cozy-time), what will you do? I for one will be really really PISSED if I’m not on all three courses of your Wedgwood platter! For we should be celebrating finding each other! And not each in his own way, in his own time and place…that’s ridiculous. Together! Together! Two birds of a feather!
It is truly an understatement when I say I await Gabe’s return with great fondness. Now, back to Dragon Squarepants: ]
Seems like when one sidewalk creep disappears from our streets (much to my relief, as they often threaten me whether it’s homophobia or jonesing from their last hit of crystal or smack), two more take his place. I even confronted Larkin one night on Market Street:
“You’re a big guy and telepathic, so why don’t you drive these homophobes outta here so I can do my street work?”
I was referring of course to my frequent clashes with anti-gay puds who want to turn the Castro into Hillbilly Haven for all the hetero rednecks that decide to mooch off LGBT generosity, but still think it’s fun to insult and harass us on our own turf. They’re constantly ogling attractive lesbians, coming onto them like the breeder perverts they are with all sorts of vulgar phrases. As for the gay men, well, we’re just a bunch of silly, sex-crazed geese who Jehovah shall soon banish from this earth, that The Righteous Heteros may be “Lords of Where We’re Permitted to Insert Our Priks at Risk of Extermination.”
A winning advantage of Larkin’s psychic talent is that I never need speak about my troubles, for he already knows. Think this through and you’ll realize he must also know which sacks of mierda are my antagonists. This man is out to avenge me as so clearly revealed by the illustration that begins Chapter 8 of Free Me From This Bond (book 1). For Larkin is my Guardian Dragon, and that illustration depicts a dragon toppling over the Transamerica Pyramid.
Therefore, he also knows I’ve been pining to see him again, ever since he shoved me for a second time just last week. My level of anxiety attacks were getting a bit out of hand starting yesterday, thanks to the painful challenges he presents me… along with all other trials in my life that have naught to do with him. So I guess he heard my woeful plea for some respite, after my wandering This Gay Ghetto all afternoon, seeking him out. For some assurance that he is taunting me, pressing my buttons for a compassionate purpose…that I may become his hero this time around. And that’s precisely what occurred:
At first I thought Larkin was sitting down in a shop doorway, but I thought: “That’s not his style, I’ve never seen him sit on the sidewalk or curb, or even on a chair at Jane Warner Plaza. Heck, he doesn’t even perch himself on the concrete buttress where he often stands outside of Twin Peaks to smoke.”
[ Other things I’ve observed, Crafty Reader, that are not his style: he never sports a backpack, briefcase, portfolio or whatever (in fact I’ve never seen him carry anything in his hand except a plastic bag occasionally or a cell phone), doesn’t drive a car or motorcycle or even ride a bicycle (like me he seems to be a dedicated pedestrian), he doesn’t wear any jewelry or piercings, nor does it look like he’s inked or scarified anywhere on his warlockian body. But he does have a glorious head of sepia hair which style he frequently changes (one month it’s a sexy buzz cut with chevrons, another month it’s dyed a rich orange that’s bodaciously hot, yet another season it’s a thick mane that frames his face like a knight’s portrait. He is indeed the handsomest dude I have ever met; even just thinking of him takes my breath away. ]
The reason I first thought he was seated on the ground was a combination of my 2nd-story elevation, the darkness of night, my own nearsightedness, and the fact that whoever he was reprimanding stood between my view and Larkin (such that I only saw his spindly arms waving about). The first thing that I hollered when I realized it was My Bodacious Basilisk:
“Larkin, stop lecturing people like you always have the answer!”
Just a friendly taunt, though once I realized he was confronting Ms. Flaky, I listened more closely… and actually appreciated his dressing-down of the miscreant. I know Larkin heard me, but he was totally immersed in his little lecture to pay me any mind. Some two or so minutes later, Ms. Flaky meandered off (to her squatter’s bench I suppose). Not wanting to lose this golden moment to call to Larkin from My Juliet’s Balcony– or perhaps Rapunzel’s–I hollered once more.
“That piece of monkey vomit showed up in the Castro about a month ago!”
My words were such a strident echo I know I woke up the neighbors. (Just wish Gabe were around, as I’m sure he’d absolutely savor being witness to my latest Larkin Escapade. He might have even joined in!) Then Larkin tilted his Celtic ruddy head to stare straight up at This Intrusive But Lovable Queer. And growled:
“Aargh! Now I gotta deal with you!”
As he marched in my direction and across Market I yelled:
“Go see a doctor, ya got a brain tumor, asswipe!”
He stopped in the middle and stood on the cobbled island decked with lackluster palm trees.
“C’mon, step up to my window, I got some water balloons to drop on you!” I announced. He looked up at me with a sort of woeful plea:
“You need to stop sending…”
I knew the rest of the sentence would be “my mail to the bars,” but I cut him off:
“Blah blah blah blah blah!” Which effectively drowned him out.
He sighed, smiled at me and stretched his arms in a broad air-hug. We both remained silent for some moments as I drank up his projected endearment. Then he dropped his arms, turned about and crossed back to the opposite side. I called out as he vanished into the dark:
“You are so lucky I didn’t carry pepper spray that night you shoved me a second time! Soooo lucky!”
At that point I could no longer see His Beloved Self, but knew he heard my parting shot:
This unexpected banter lifted my spirits like Tinkerbell appearing at my window. So I mused on what just occurred:
I wanted to see him badly, so he shows up. Set himself in position right across Market Street in clear view of my window, knowing his sweet voice would pull me away from the desk. Put on a little show just for yours truly. But more than that: confronted a street punk who spoke ill of me.
[ Restless Reader: you may be wondering why I’m certain Ms. Flaky badmouthed me when earlier I said that perhaps Gabe made that up, as a tease. Here is my conclusion: since Larkin is telepathically gifted, he knows immediately who’s done me foul. Were Ms. Flaky not guilty, he wouldn’t have confronted her… at least not in my vicinity. He would’ve devised some other script to cheer me up. In effect, he was killing two birds with one stone. The second bird then, served to assure This Beleaguered Budgie that he most certainly will avenge my honor…and Ms. Flaky is just the beginning. ]
I ponder further:
Was he watching me from across Market before Ms. Flaky showed up? My curtain is open, anyone can see me from that distance and position, as I am in direct line of the window, my desk brightly lit as I swype away. Has Larkin been pausing across from my building every now and then, unbeknownst to me? And if so, how long has he been doing that? Don’t think I’m upset, even for a nanosecond; in fact I am heartily pleased at the thought. For My Guardian Dragon watches over me in loving regard. And I’m sure it’s his greatest honor to do so.
So here I am, suddenly dropping the article I planned to complete in a day or two, taking up instead another blog entry about my latest encounter with Serpent Breath. Once more, he usurps my focus on whatever I’m presently doing, and demands my full attention. Which I gladly give, always. I have a sneaking suspicion that was his intent tonight, all along. To pull me out of my morose funk since he shoved me last week. For Larkin is One Smart Cookie Firedrake!
He also gave me another story to write.
SECOND LETTER TO Gabe
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: My E-frenz
Date: Sat, 21 Jun 2014 17:04:20
Subject: I’m a Decoy for the SFPD!
The police department has been using me as a decoy to root out evil scum for many years, now…at least since I met Larkin in 2006 (though Randolph Taylor is suspect, too). And I’ve only come to realize this moments ago while tapping upon my EliteBook 2530p at Bean There Cafe. It felt like pieces of a plastic jigsaw puzzle instantly snapped into place. Here is the vision exactly as it came to me:
The SFPD has an /unofficial/ branch of psychics, which continues to infiltrate and take over the entire force. For if one is truly gifted, he or she will know what career to pursue. So some joined the Blueshirt Brigade, that being an excellent method to utilize one’s paranormal talents. And (of course) more psychics continued to sign on, unbeknownst to those members who were /not/ so chosen.
Until this present time, when I guess the /entire/ SFPD is now composed of nothing but gifted psychics dedicated to Gay Liberation above and beyond the call of duty!
This amazing scenario also provides much amusement: for one, it means they’re having a ton of fun at Zeke’s expense. ‘Cause I didn’t even /know/ I have anything to do with the police, in any sort of useful capacity. (Which I suspect actually started as a consequence of reaching out to R. Taylor after his suicide attempt in 1985; seeing as he’s a former SFPD cop.) So they’re probably watching my antics on video, scheming up new jokes to play on me, et cetera. Kinda like Jim Carrey in The Truman Show…only with an uber-gay remix.
I am sure they also watch over and protect me, in exchange for this involuntary service…though a service they realize I’d /gladly/ perform if so requested. Because they’re PSYCHIC and know that I’ve already said yes somewhere in a sub-basement of my mind.
[ So, My Elegiacal E-frenz, THE JOKE’S ON ME! ]
But I wouldn’t have it any other way.
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: My E-frenz
Date: Sun, 22 Jun 2014 14:44:12
Subject: Re: I’m a Decoy for the SFPD!
(This post is written a day after the previous, since I don’t have Internet at home.)
When I arrived hovel yesterday and shortly after emailing you my SFPD revelation, that sign posted in our lobby just a day ago snared my attention. Here is the meat of it:
Filming to occur on MONDAY June 23, 2014.
UNPRONOUNCEABLE PRODUCTIONS, LLC will be filming a segment of a television series at the intersection of 17th Street / Market Street / Castro Street on the above date. from 7:00 am to 9:00 pm, hours are approximate….
We will have a street closure on 17th Street from Market to Diamond St. During this closure, we will film “fake police activity” with actors dressed up as officers. Please do not be alarmed or call emergency service such as Police or Fire.
We will have SFPD officers on site to assist with intermittent traffic control (ITC) and ensure safety. Pedestrians, residents and business-owners will be able to access streets normally.
Now, I was already intrigued about this cinematic foreplay, concluding that indeed, it has to do with my mystical pig affiliation. Of course I was delighted. More than that: I was ecstatically vindicated that my so-called “borderline schizophrenia” is actually a spiritual gift, and that Larkin is the leader orchestrating this playscript. But in this point of my evolution, I tend to take it all in stride, thus placed it on the back burner until yesterday afternoon when I reentered the lobby and it beckoned my utmost attention.
Notice that the center stage of this filming will occur at 17th & Market & Castro (these three streets intersect), which is the exact same spot Larkin and I held many dramatic. loving and hilarious encounters since October 2012. For Twin Peaks Tavern sits smackdab on the southeast corner of that triple intersection! Wish I could observe the action from my SRO window but, alas, I’m a tad too distant to view more than a sliver, if that. Perhaps I will mosey in that direction to see what excitement may result.
“And what may result?” (you might ask). Perhaps one or more bank robberies by my devotees, that I may become an instant billionaire and rescue millions of gay people from the Iron Fist of Heterosexism. Castro residents and visitors alike have been advised to not dial 911 that day, even if they witness an alarming event. What a perfect setup to commit a crime without intervention of any legal entity!
Also, the city has just completed the widening of Castro Street in that very same location…and will soon proceed with laying down the “LGBT Walk of Fame” or whatever it’s called. Do you think my own name will be included? I do! Do you think Randolph Taylor’s name will be included? I do! What about Larkin Kelsey and numerous other unsung heros that have accomplished so much in the name of Queer Rights? Well, My E-frenz, I suspect they will be honored there, too.
[ Calamitous Reader: there exists another Great Gay Prophet besides myself, whom I call Keith in my tales. Who foresaw many edifications, plaques, statues and such in my honor. Which discussion I’ve included in Chapter 2 of Book 2, called “I’ll Push You Back!.” Just search for phrase “Re: My latest blog entry…” to jump right to it. His astounding description of how The Castro will change in the twinkling of an eye, with myself as a major celebrity, is not so far-fetched now, as it seemed to me just one month ago. ]
The remarkable timing of it all goes even further: for Gay Pride Week is almost upon us here in San Francisco, and my birthday follows just one day after that. What more proof does one need, to show me this is most certainly not coincidence, but an exquisitely profound metamorphosis into a new reality? A reality that celebrates Gay Freedom, and makes My People the heroes of planet earth!
And for some reason that is not totally clear to me (though is on certain levels), I owe it all to Larkin Kelsey, My Gregariously Gorgeous Gay Godzilla.
(This is my letter I snail-mailed to Keith, who strangely lives directly across from Larkin, and neither of whom I can visit, email or phone.)
Praise to Bodacious Keith!
Your very kind $400 contribution enabled me to upgrade my Internet activism with a refurbished HP EliteBook, and an excellent 10.1 inch android tablet. As a result, I can speedily zoom across cyberspace with my pro-gay ideology, instead of slugging along.
Enclosed are my two latest blog entries, which I’m sure will bring you great joy. In the second piece which I title “I’m a Decoy for the SFPD,” I give credit to you, under pseudonym “Keith.” You will find it in the paragraph beginning with “calamitous reader.”
I love you unconditionally, no matter what. And so happy to learn that you have a really decent job at Cliff’s Hardware. Give my warmest regards to your sweet boyfriend Gus.
Just know that I’ve never stopped craving to suck your enormous and handsome kok ever since you sent me those two sweetly erotic videos.
Your devoted friend (and I hope some day your sidekick lover),
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: My Loyal Andromedans
Date: Wed, 18 Jun 2014 14:08:21
Subject: He Shoved Me Again!
Larkin shoved me once more, again outside of Twin Peaks Tavern, but on Castro Street by Market. It was near 11 PM when I saw him at the bus stop, so I sauntered on over to tell him:
“I looked for you Sunday, to wish you an awesome Father’s Day, and to thank you for all the adventures and mischief you’ve put in my life. For, what…going on nine years now?”
But before I could speak more than a dozen words he hollered at me, told me to get out of his face. I grew outraged and asserted:
“Larkin, I just came up to wish you well. You said I’m a nice man and have always been good to you. So why do I upset you now?”
“I don’t know,” he blurted. “Just get the hell away from me.”
Then he spit at my feet, so I spit right back and hit him square on the face. Then I tossed my lit cigarette onto his shirt. (For the record, I impressed my own torrid self with a bullseye both times; I didn’t miss a beat. Never realized the primo sharpshooter inside me.) He flicked one right back at me, then spit again. On my face, twice. Then he gave me sort of a half-shove that was rather innocuous, but nonetheless I took as an insult.
“Get away from me!” he continued to rage. “And stop sending my mail to the bars, they’re getting pissed.”
“All’s fair in love and war,” I exclaimed while standing right up to him. “You tell /everyone/ I’m your stalker and got me kicked out of all the bars. So I’m just returning the favor.” And added:
“How /dare/ you shove me again? You can expect a /lot/ more postcards arriving at the bars, now. I wasn’t planning to send any more, but you blew it. Get over yourself, dipwad.”
So I followed him up and down Castro, where he mostly wandered in the middle of the street, causing cars to stop and wait till we passed. The moment he’d cross back in the other direction, I’d mimic. Good thing there wasn’t much traffic. He finally marched homeward while I pursued, hollering at him how fukked up he is. He called me a crazy loon so I answered back:
“Crazy is when people shove a good friend, and slander him in his own neighborhood. Who do you think I’m talking about, goofball?”
By now we had crossed Market to K&D liquors, where the nightshift employee watched our loud antics from the entranceway. Then a squad car pulled up beside me, while Larkin was but a few steps from his apartment building. He took instant advantage of the situation and yelled to the blueshirts:
“Tell him to quit stalking me! He needs to leave me alone!”
One cop called to me: “Do as he says, walk away.”
“Wait a moment, officer,” I spoke back. “You didn’t see him shove me a few minutes ago. This isn’t the first time he’s done that. I refuse to let anyone bully me.”
“Well,” he advised from the passenger side while leaning out a bit, “If I were a small guy and someone shoved me, I’d be scared and get away.”
“But I’m /not/ scared. You need to talk with him, not me. His name is Larkin Kelsey, and he’s been bullying me for over a year now. I refuse to stroll my own neighborhood in fear. Plus, I’ve already filed a police report against him.”
Then it looked like Larkin was home for the night, and the cops did not step out of their car, so they obviously gave my words some consideration. I decided to walk away in order to return some minutes later, as I was sure Larkin would step out again.
In departing, I said: “You have a good night, officers. I’m going now.”
So I crossed Market to head home, but turned tail halfway down the block, and arrived once more just two doors from Larkin’s apartment…and the cops were nowhere in sight. Sure enough, he reappeared, walked towards me then spun around to descend the Muni Metro steps. I called to him from aboveground:
“Well that was quite a drama you just played. You can’t win this battle. All I’m doing is fighting for our friendship!”
“Go away, go away!” he screamed as he reached the subway level. Then suddenly, he fell flat on his face the moment his left foot touched the third step from bottom. It was a doozy of a stumble; he might have a bad bruise on his face the next morning. So I echoed:
“Look, I want you to be alright. Please don’t let aggravation cause you to fall down the stairs or do anything else stupid!”
“Fuk you, Zeke! Fuk you!”
I then ran across Market towards HM Plaza, figuring he’d emerge on the other side of the underground. But he did not.
Something else I told the cops at one point: “Go talk to Larkin. The worst that will happen is we’ll make a citizen’s arrest on each other.” But they remained glued to their car seats, when they really should’ve intercepted him.
I also said to Larkin as he descended the subway steps: “You /need/ a friend who stands up to your BS!”
Well, Andromedans, it was a most unexpected encounter last night, that has only served to fan the flames of my desire for justice. While blessed with a great love for another, no matter the difficulties. So I finally returned hovel, to compose the following letter which I’ll tape to the front of five “Free Me From This Bond” postcards, and send off to the five Castro bars he frequents:
You shoved me again (June 17th around 11 PM on Castro near Market). You’re pathetic. I just came up to wish you well, and crack a joke or two to put a smile on your face. But since you did shove me, I will continue to send you postcards at bars you visit. After all, you told everyone I’m your stalker, so one good turn deserves another. No one would betray a good friend like you have… unless he is suffering a malady that affects the brain. Such as a tumor. Please get a check-up, including an MRI to figure out what’s wrong. The sooner the malady is pinpointed, the sooner it can be nipped in the bud. I suspect you’ve been having cluster headaches, and taking it out on me…possible sign of a brain tumor. I don’t ever want to lose you, Larkin. You’re too important to me, and to the world. I don’t want to see such a beautiful mind like yours deteriorate. PS: how many dimes of meth ya got buried in your closet?
I’m really financially strapped to the max this month, what with all the expense of tending to Larkin’s well being. Glad to keep the post office alive, but I hope doing so will not lead to my /own/ expiration! I can only pray that Larkin’s hositility was to protect me from a cult member who might have been somewhere nearby, observing. Or perhaps (I also conjecture) he continues to manifest high drama, that I may have this golden opportunity to be his hero.
Sadly, the possibility of his suffering a brain tumor is also a concern. And for which my struggles to rekindle our once-sweet friendship is such a misery to achieve. He said only three weeks ago that our friendship is a godsend. Yet tonight, he yanked my chain. But he also said only moments before shoving me really hard back in January 2013: “You’re a nice man and have always been good to me.” There is nothing at this point that could /ever/ stop me from fighting to win back his kindness. I sorta think he acted out this latest and hateful scenario, that I may be the noble saint against his vulgar behavior.
Not is all as it seems, even to yours truly. But I certainly am not nearly so devastated by Larkin’s latest backstabbing, as I would be if I didn’t have somewhat clear evidence that behind the scenes is a secret organization training me for world leadership on behalf of all sexual minorities.
And that Larkin is their commander in chief. Who is possibly setting me up to become a whirlwind of controversy among all the denizens of Castro bars…who will ultimately become possessed by an overwhelming desire to purchase my novel. Along with three or four /more/ copies to share with their friends. Also consider this: my birthday is soon approaching, so Larkin’s apparent brutality is his way of making my surprise party an event to remember.
Though I must say–in wrapping up the entire account–I felt /most/ vindicated to see My Diabolical Dimetrodon smack his face on the cold, Metro floor. I suspect he did this intentionally, as part of the drama he’s creating for my own, ultimate benefit. Larkin is far from stupid, and from what I’ve observed about him, everything he does is perfectly calculated. Including a pratfall to humble himself before one he loves with great fervor.
The presumption is of course, that any further encounters with him prior to my birthday will always come off like our friendship is a lost cause. It’s supposed to be as much of a surprise as possible (the party), and the taste of a doomed love just prior, will make the event so much sweeter.
Ignatz has /nothing/ on me.
AFTERTHOUGHTS (hindsight’s wisdom)
He /wanted/ me to send another postcard-salvo out to those bars. Ticking off naive little me /assured/ him that I will shoot off /another/ barrage of postcards in a huff of outrage. But the real motive is this:
One more such attack will lure the remaining vermin out of the woodwork. [Anti-Zeke] = [Cult Member Suspect]. Once more I play the decoy to Larkin’s hunt. It was all a setup, Dears! Being telepathic, he /knew/ I was seeking him out to shower well-wishes. So what does My Trickster do? Appears moments before I arrive at Castro & Market (as if he were there much longer w/o anticipating my presence), ready to give me yet /another/ ride of my life. Even had his back turned to me as I neared.
Of course, the joke of it all (I now realize) was my attempt to seek him out and bless him with kind words…that instead blew up like a WMD. And ya know something, Honorable Reptoids? I wouldn’t have it any other way!
PS: Oh, yeah, I also sent Larkin a postcard to his own, private mailbox, like so (first the back, then the front):