Halal-la-la-la, Halal-la-la!

January 26, 2016

Dear editor (of each of the four San Francisco gay newspapers who received this letter),

I intend to be inside the secured area of Superbowl 50, not because I have any love for sports (which I don’t, especially not football), but because my favorite wifi coffeehouse is located there. Will blog about it if anything interesting occurs.

I, for one, think that all shops in the vicinity should hang a “halal” sign in the most prominent spot of the storefront…and that all females present be adorned in burkas. Plus, all males should wear a false, full beard that reaches at least down to the sternum; and a raggedy old turban. And there should be no species of the canine persuasion visible anywhere…or at least have them clothed in baby camel outfits. Just to play it safe.

Hey, my favorite “coffeehouse” is actually a bagel shop…which may be perceived as a Jewish sanctuary by these terrorists. Even though the workers are Chinese, Phillipino and El Salvadorean. Who knows? Maybe they’re all devotees of Muhamet (pbuh).

I can see it now: the leader in command gestures at The Posh Bagel with a fully loaded Kalishnakov semi-automatic, where I sit by the window, pecking away on my refurbished Lenovo x60s as I type my latest witticism on Eleanor’s Facebook page. And says to his right-hand lackey and bumfuk slave boy:

“See that, Yusef? An Israeli outpost! We must attack it right off. Allah be praised.”

“Wait-a-minute, Ahmad,” the thermite-vest-laden arse-tonguing Shiite/shite sycophant tugs his master’s glistening robe that clings to all parts nether (leaving nothing to the western imperialist cur’s imagination, woven as it is from virgin Guangxi Province recycled Walmart plastic bubble wrap) and pleads:

“I’m starving. Maybe they serve halal.”

The commander then wavers in salivary muse, lowers his rifle and mutters some obscure suras from the Reader’s Digest Condensed Version of the Quran while stroking his alpha-length beard (thus disturbing the dozen or so scarabs burrowed therein; they take wing and flee in all directions).

“You’re right, Yusef, let’s go check it out, I have the mother of all stomach grumblies.”

Sincerely yours,

Zeke Krahlin a.k.a. “Jehovah’s Queer Witness”
http://www.gay-bible.org


Red Light / Green Light

January 5, 2016

!!! WARNING. ADULT MATERIAL !!!

If you are underage, or in any way forbidden by your government or religious laws from viewing X-rated subject matter, please do not go there. If, however, you are not restricted by any laws in your geographical location, by all means click on the image above, to read my salty tale.


Solstice Goes

January 1, 2016

!!! WARNING. ADULT MATERIAL !!!

If you are underage, or in any way forbidden by your government or religious laws from viewing X-rated subject matter, please do not go there. If, however, you are not restricted by any laws in your geographical location, by all means click on the image above, to read my salty tale.


Solstice Comes

December 30, 2015

!!! WARNING. ADULT MATERIAL !!!

If you are underage, or in any way forbidden by your government or religious laws from viewing X-rated subject matter, please do not go there. If, however, you are not restricted by any laws in your geographical location, by all means click on the image above, to read my salty tale.


Hope Springs Infernal

November 28, 2015

!!! WARNING. ADULT MATERIAL !!!

If you are underage, or in any way forbidden by your government or religious laws from viewing X-rated subject matter, please do not go there. If, however, you are not restricted by any laws in your geographical location, by all means click on the image above, to read my salty tale.


Larkin Squarepants

October 18, 2015

The following five postcards to Larkin were all sent in the Halloween spirit, starting on the 15th. Showing first the front, then the smaller-image address side. Since I don’t have a working scanner or camera at this time, I can only display the printouts I’ve pasted to this generic, SF tourist schlock. Please realize that I am posting this article in advance of the last four postcards shown herein.

[ Braxilous Reader: just at the moment I completed the paragraph above (this afternoon on the 14th), I suddenly heard Larkin Kelsey’s voice below my 2nd-story windows call to whomever: “You have a very nice evening!” So I went to the left-side window, saw His Gracious Self just below, and hollered: “You have a very nice evening too, Larkin!” To my surprise he did look up when I expected him to ignore me. Thus I expounded:

“You look ready for Halloween, what with that Grim Reaper expression on your face!” He responded by spitting up in my direction which, of course, did not even get near my window, but landed in a tiny splat near his feet. I rubbed it in:

“You’re the Queen Bitch of Castro Street!” He then bellowed his infamous “Aargh!” and marched away.

I believe he intentionally showed up right at the moment I began to prepare my series of Halloween missives to him. Yet one more piece of evidence that he is indeed telepathic. And that–in spite of his frequently crude behavior towards me these past 2.8 years–he actually harbors great affection towards This Silly Supplicant. Now, on with the postcards. ]


15 October (postcard #1): the friendship quote at postcard’s top is something Larkin said to me in May of 2014. And is the sweetest thing anyone can say to someone, in my opinion. Another thing to note is that, while he loves Scooby-Doo, he totally despises Spongebob Squarepants. Something which I learned about two years back. So I decided now–because of his latest BS–to start sending him Spongebob themed postcards and letters, in lieu of Scooby-Doo stickers, printouts and gifts. Though it has occurred to me that, being clairvoyant (as well as telepathic), he set me up to avenge him with Spongebob pics by pretending he hates that particular cartoon character. As I’ve indicated in many previous tales, he is a Brilliant Playwright of Life…and as My Guardian Dragon, he expertly paves my path with surprises laid down in future scenarios. Actually, my initial salvo of Spongebob attacks began in my blog entry just previous to this one. Jump to the end of that piece, to view it.


17 October 2015

Dear Sid,

This is funny, as the “Pearl” image above is reminiscent of your “Moby’s Dick” illustration. I ran across it while looking for Halloween themed Spongebob pics. So of course I had to send you a copy. This is the second meaningful coincidence involving your illustrations. The first, of course, is that Scooby-Doo/Peanuts pillowcase.

I’ve been sending you mail recently, because the contents give strong indication that my breakthrough as a global power is nigh. This is not an ego thing, for I am highly cognizant of being sure to keep my feet on the ground. (And explains why Larkin treats me like a POS: to keep me from falling over the edge in ecstasy.) Yet when such an incredible destiny is intended regardless of one’s wishes otherwise, you must learn to accept this role while maintaining a humble position. Anyone associated with yours truly in any significant capacity–during these past 10 years or so–will likewise become a major celebrity. Not the least of which is one excellent soul who provides the illustrations that complement so well, my tales.

I just saw Larkin again at Twin Peaks Tavern a short while ago (around 5:30 PM). He continues to behave towards me like a royal asshole, because that is what he must do a bit longer. He stepped out for his usual cig, and approached me with reprimands that I will wind up in jail if I don’t quit stalking him. Of course I pointed out that this is my neighborhood too, and I hang out here to meet my homeless buddies, as well as provide him with a space to talk with me, should he so wish. And that the police will laugh at him for using the cops for his own manipulative foolishness.

He then whipped out his latest cell phone and took my photo, while I smiled and waved. He smugly declared:

“Every time you appear in my presence, I’m gonna take a picture in order to build up a record of your stalking.”

So I pointed out that since we live in the same district, our paths cross frequently. And of course I heckle him now and then, for fukking up my life with lies about me…which has nothing to do with stalking.

“Have fun with that,” I chuckle. “You will only implicate yourself further, as a bully and a wing nut. The cops will get fed up with you.”

“You want me to put a restraining order on you?” he threatened. “Then you can’t come to my spot here at Castro & Market.”

“Oh go right ahead, dufus. I’ll then put a TRO on you, and if I’m at Twin Peaks before you show up, then you will have to go elsewhere.”

There was a subtle grin behind that poker face: his way of assuring me this is just a game, and he admires my spunky bravado. He then declared:

“Most of your letters I haven’t even opened. I can present them to the police, to show them how relentless you are, in spite of my wanting you to leave me alone.”

Well this is ridiculous, I thought, since he gave me his P.O. box with the specific request that I send my mail there. All they’ll see from reading those missives, is a story of a good friend towards another. Though I know he’s read every single one of my letters, and appreciates each one immensely. Plus, his telepathy voids the need to open any mail. He’s just twisting the knife in my back, to test my faith. Easy peasy, I can deal.

“Don’t be such a clown, Larkin,” I warned. “This is a matter for a civil suit, and the police can’t do anything about it.”

“That’s what you think,” he threatened. “You’re a stupid, stupid man.”

“Right, Larkin, you can read my beads like nobody else. You have me totally figured out.” He then snuffed his Camel 99 before adding:

“Just stay outta my space, when I’m here!”

“It’s my space too, asshole. You can’t bully me and think you can get away with it. But have fun trying.”

Anywayz, other macho exchanges occurred between us for a while longer, during which time I refused to depart as he tried to smoke another ciggie outside my view. But that didn’t work out too well, as I repositioned myself every time he tried to hide behind some shrubs, a lamppost, or a passing streetcar. He finally marched back into Twin Peaks as I goaded:

“Go ahead, get back into that glass coffin where you belong! And have fun hitting up lonely old queers with fat wallets.”

“Leave me alone!” he hollered for the fourth time in our latest confrontation before disappearing into the social mix of vodka-guzzling dipwads.

“I’m not bothering you at all, you are harassing me for standing out here and enjoying my people watching at this most historic corner!”

With that, I wandered a while longer back and forth by the picture window where he could see me. Then I meandered on home to type you this letter. Now that I am done, I shall step back out once more, to be a thorn in My Kimono Dragon’s side. He may have left by now, but one can always hope for another bout of feather-flying before the night wears on.

I am not phased in the least, because his crude regards serve the higher purpose of my playing his long-suffering hero. And as a result, shall lead shortly to the perfection of This Querulous Soul. All signs indicate that My Ultimate Breakthrough will align with the upcoming winter solstice.

Your friend and artistic associate,

Zeke


18 October (postcard #2): quite self-explanatory. Thought I’d start introducing him to additional characters in the Spongebob Squarepants cartoon franchise.


19 October (postcard #3b): Alright, the following postcard was mailed in a fit of passion, well after I set up my schedule of Halloween bon mots. Please read carefully.


21 October (postcard #3): a little more sophisticated here, during this Spongebob Indoctrination of My Adorable Archosaur, Larkin Kelsey.


24 October (postcard #4): just more Spongebob foolishness with a gay/Halloween twist! Enjoy.


27 October (postcard #5): yet more Spongebob themes with a gay/Halloween twist! Enjoy.


My Halloween Epiphany

October 9, 2015

!!! WARNING. ADULT MATERIAL !!!

If you are underage, or in any way forbidden by your government or religious laws from viewing X-rated subject matter, please do not go there. If, however, you are not restricted by any laws in your geographical location, by all means click on the image above, to read my salty tale.


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