Belated Beatitude

May 16, 2015

!!! WARNING. ADULT MATERIAL !!!

If you are underage, or in any way forbidden by your government or religious laws from viewing X-rated subject matter, please do not go there. If, however, you are not restricted by any laws in your geographical location, by all means click on the image above, to read my salty tale.


Gay Zombie Jesus Strikes Again

April 27, 2015

Our favorite zombie-on-a-stick refuses to haunt anyone’s cranium but my own, so I give you “Gay Zombie Jesus Strikes Again.” This piece is a sequel to my post “Gay Zombie Jesus Returns!.” Notice that inclusion of the tweet immediately prior my own is necessary for the sake of context. 45 fornicating effluvial flubs in all.

Due to image width limitation for this particular WordPress layout, most tweets are truncated at the right margin, so just click for a full version. Sorry for the inconvenience…but I think I’m so witty it’s worth the hassle. Besides, you need to slow down and relax. Dr. Zeke’s orders.

[ Or you can simply click here to view them all at once without the hassle! ]














































Spring Breaks Forth

April 11, 2015

[ Clabbered Reader: this is a series of four postcards I snail-mailed to Larkin through late February to early April. Interspersed with an Easter Card, an email exchange, and two personal letters snail mailed on April 8th. ]

Postcard sent February 27th:


Postcard sent March 24th:


Postcard sent March 29th:


Easter card sent April 1 (next 6 images, including the envelope):


Date: Fri, 3 Apr 2015 00:03:07
Subject:
Larkin’s Cross
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: Eleanor Cooney

Eleanor,

I just learned the main reason Larkin is so difficult…though let us
not forget he’s also been wonderful. Curtis lives two flights above
me, and has occupied that room for more than 15 years. Spoke with him
about Larkin at the nearby laundromat, about a tragedy my buddy
suffered some 11 years ago. Which tragedy, in fact, caused him to go
to new hangouts, one of them being the Hole in the Wall Saloon, where
we first met. Interesting, because /I/ went there to lick my wounds
over my own Johnnie tragedy.

The missive below is what I just mailed to Larkin, in an Easter card
decorated with a lovely lamb in a purple bow about its neck:


I know you miss Bernie very much. My profoundest regards for your
loss. How do I know about him? Well today (April 2nd) I spoke with
Curtis (room 405) about you, and he brought up the tragedy, said how
much you liked him. I also understand now, that you used to visit
Curtis often, but Bernie’s passing on caused you to drift elsewhere.
Yet all that while you did see Curtis, I was two floors below. And I
find it strange that we never crossed paths in my own apartment
building. Se la vie, eh? You have been most kind and respectful
towards me, regarding Randolph’s sad loss or disappearance. Now I
return the favor. Were it in my power to bring him back to you, I
would, without so much as a second thought.

Bernie died from a most gruesome form of cancer. By the time the
surgeons opened him up, they found his organs so rotten with cancer
there was no hope for him. So they just sewed him back up and let him
die a few days later.

So there you have it.

– Zeke

=====

Date: Sat, 4 Apr 2015 11:52:56
Subject:
Re: Larkin’s Cross
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: Eleanor Cooney

On Sat, Apr 4, 2015 at 11:45 AM, Eleanor wrote:

{{ Well, I’m glad Larkin is behaving less like a shit toward you lately. }}

He’s got a reason for his treason,
Though I don’t appease him.

{{ The letter to Zachary is a good one, but probably too layered and complex for him to understand… }}

The dimwit.

– Zeke

=====

Date: Mon, 6 Apr 2015 13:41:01
Subject:
Pillowcase looks fantastic!
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: Eleanor Cooney

The Scooby-Doo/Snoopy pillowcase is a high quality satin, and the image is just rich in color. Much nicer than I imagined, via the
online pic. Just arrived in the mail today, so I’ll have to prepare
the gift package later, and mail it out tomorrow.

– Zeke

=====

Date: Mon, 6 Apr 2015 18:15:08
Subject:
Re: Pillowcase looks fantastic!
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: Eleanor Cooney

On Mon, Apr 6, 2015 at 3:04 PM, Eleanor wrote:

{{ Hope he appreciates it… }}

Of course he will! While Larkin has never acknowledged receipt of any
gift I send or present him…the ones I hand him face-to-face, he
/always/ accepts in sweet graciousness. Even amidst whatever
antagonism he has caused me.

For this reason (and others whenever he suddenly displays kindly
acceptance in spite of his frequent and ornery behavior), I conclude
he is putting me through a sort of hazing (or initiation or trial by
fire, whatever you want to call it). But this time around, I’d rather
mail it than go through the angst of delivering it to him by hand. He
just /loves/ to keep me guessing!

Just as he /always/ relishes casting doubt over our friendship, making
me fear he’ll reject my latest gift. Yet, he has /never/ done that! So
perhaps I /will/ attempt to hand it to him at Twin Peaks Tavern,
tomorrow evening. Should he refuse (for the first time, I must note),
I’ll just walk out w/o any anger, and ship it off the next day.

Remember my suggestion that he heads a secret organization within the
SF LGBT community, that selects certain folks to groom for leadership.
So many bizarre events and coincidences have occurred around This
Tremulous Queer Lamb, that affirm my suspicions in this matter, I
cannot but act upon such an amazing conclusion as if it were the truth.

Discovering by happenstance a Scooby-Doo rendering so similar to my
first illustration of Free Me From This Bond, is but the latest
example…and affirmation.

– Zeke


Postcard sent April 4th::


April 5, 2015

To My Mischievous Mesosaur of Boundless Beauty:

It is now 9:45 PM as I write, and it is still Easter. Another holiday alone, just like St. Patrick’s Day, Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Veterans Day, Halloween, Fourth of July, my birthday, your birthday (which I do not yet know much to my grief), Randolph’s birthday, and any other day filled with wishes for a better outcome other than inhabiting an existential glass cage that I can’t break out of no matter what I do, and which no one else perceives. Which fate has been mine since the day I was born.

Of course I am heartbroken once more, that you, Larkin Kelsey, care not whether I am alone or with friends, happy or sad, dead or alive. I conjecture that the loss of Bernie (a man you loved very much) from a most virulent form of cancer, has caused you such bitterness that you cannot love again. Even someone who’s adored you for over eight years, and has proven his fidelity over many painful challenges that you have imparted. Ironic (to say the least) that Bernie occupied the same apartment building as yours truly…and you visited him frequently while I lived just two flights below, all that time. Yet our paths never crossed.

Instead, you drive me away by horrid accusations that I’m your stalker; and spreading such slander throughout every bar in the Castro. Such that I am hated by many, and cannot enter any of these venues. And now, it seems that you have disappeared, perhaps establishing new connections in another neighborhood such as Polk Street.

It gives me great joy to know such a fine and astounding man like yourself, yet you go out of your way these days to bring me conflict, loneliness and strife. None of which I deserve, yet this is what you rain upon My Forlorn Little Soul. But what I find so astounding in our apparent dissension, is a great celebration of our two souls, regardless of any negative precedence. IOW: in spite of your current animosity, my spirit leaps over seeing or thinking of you, like a happy lamb.

I am dumbstruck in love with you, for which I thank the stars from the bottom of my heart and any other relevant organ. I could never say goodbye to you, nor can you to me…which I have known for some time, as I’ve confronted you months ago to ask:

“Do you not want to ever see me again? Just say so, and I will be gone from your life, forever!”

You replied not, but I heard you swallow as if your throat got stuck. Which I regard as a great compliment.

Yet you told me about three weeks ago: “I don’t love you!” Which declaration you performed while turned away from me and facing the window of Twin Peaks Tavern. That is: you never said that to me before, let alone to my face!

So where do I go from here? I guess the only answer is to persist in reaching out to you as I have for more than seven years!

With much affection and delight,

Zeke

P.S.: Easter has come and gone since I completed this missive. It is now April 8th, and I shall mail this latest piece to you tomorrow. I do hope it means something to you. Something very important to your heart.


8 April 1015

My Dear Sid:

Apologies for not yet being able to enclose a check with this letter: something you so well deserve for your remarkable illustrations. Book sales of “Free Me From This Bond” have still to take off…in fact, I’ve only sold six thus far. Partly because–while I had enough moolah from my parents’ inheritance to actually publish this novel–there did not remain enough to self promote. Which involves purchasing a plethora of my own books, traveling to other towns and cities for readings, placing ads strategically via newspapers, magazines and online literary venues, and so forth. The rest is all up to kismet, which I know shall not fail me.

Yet not is all hopeless: in fact, life has presented many incredible omens that I shall soon gain great profit for putting such a phenomenal work out there, that shall (eventually) accomplish much good for LGBT equality. Enclosed is a printout of a recent blog entry called “Pillow Gossip” that gives proof to my claim. And it is but the latest evidence of imminent success, seeing as these last few months I’ve been inundated with many signs that soon (probably well before this year is over), victory shall be mine. And by extension, that of the LGBT family on a global level as well as national.

And yours too, seeing as your art is intrinsic to the beauty, profound message and liberation so forthrightly projected by our shared opus. As time passes, the richness of your work along with my tales, increases in value…especially in light of current events across these disunited states, regarding same-sex love. Years ago I had predicted civil wars and major clashes over queer rights…on Usenet and various other online dialogs. Now comes the prophecy fulfilled.

As my beloved illustrator, I sense it is time to post you an update as to my progress. When “Free Me From This Bond” finally gains the attention it so well deserves by major media outlets, our local community shall open doors for me post-haste, including promoting this book and all my other writings. Thus, I want to reiterate my oath to you, that you will receive $1,000 for every $10,000 I collect from this novel. By that time I will have trustworthy accountants handling this transaction, to be sure you get the fair payment you merit.

I sincerely hope all is going well for you, wherever you are (Pennsylvania?). Every time I gaze upon your illustrations, I am profoundly cheered.

Most sincerely,

Ezekiel J. Krahlin


Zapping Zachary

April 8, 2015

1 April 2015

Dear Zachary,

On March 31 2015 around 6:30 PM you stalked and harassed me; I have a witness. (I also have a reliable witness to when your housemate almost slammed me to the concrete on Hartford Street back in January 2013, FYI.) You even kicked my foot, and hollered “watch where you’re walking!” I tried to explain to you what’s really going on, but you kept screaming and drowned me out. Before I proceed with any further explanation, you need to be warned:

If you ever stalk and scream at me again, and don’t back off after my first warning, I will pepper spray you, and have you arrested. Now, the explanation:

Larkin is using you, which is very unkind…seeing as you have generously provided him with a nice roof over his head for a really good price. It strikes me as outrageous that he put you in the middle of our arguments…but which shows me he doesn’t really care about you. Approx’ly one week ago as I walked by Twin Peaks Tavern (where you both were present), he suddenly started feigning giving you a blow job, knowing I’d witness the scenario. If he really appreciated your compassionate friendship, he’d never do that. I am neither upset nor jealous of his antics, yet it seems to me he’d find some other way to press my buttons instead of using you for his patsy.

Let me emphasize now, how good a person you are, for providing My Devilish Dragon with a friendly domicile and trusting friendship. I am not suggesting you evict him, or turn on him with hatred. But what I am saying, is that you need to confront him regarding his crude antics. In fact, it’s quite possible that his continued erotic demonstrations may get him kicked out of Twin Peaks. Seeing as bars in the Castro are frequented by conservative queers and straight tourists…unlike bars South of Market, where gay-renegade interplay is far more robust and diabolical. And that is where we first met (Hole in the Wall Saloon, to be exact). It is sad to me that he must clip his mischievous wings in order to adapt to the somewhat-Puritanical crowd in these Castro bars.

While I demand justice for the wrongs Larkin has committed, I do take the Buddhist stance, in that one must always find a loving solution to all conflicts. It is therefore a most complex situation for me to achieve justice that is a win-win situation for all persons involved. Obviously, that now includes you as well as Larkin. For this reason, I invite you to open a dialog with me, that does not include any harassments, threats, assaults or false accusations on your part. We can do this by phone, email, or in person…or all three (whatever works for you).

Larkin’s backstabbing against me, a good friend, still has me worried that he may be suffering a malady affecting his thought processes, such as a brain tumor or early onset Alzheimer’s. You are of course, blinded by his extraordinary good looks and charisma, as are many people who are lucky enough to enjoy his company. Yet these very same gifts empower him to take advantage of any situation, even if his motivations are selfish or diabolical.

Your crude harassment towards me on 31 March may very well be the first time you’ve had the chance to be a bully to someone else…considering your small build and slight stature. As someone who is likewise diminutive, I can surely appreciate the temptation to finally wield a strong fist upon another. But I urge you to forego such an ego trap and reconsider my difficult situation.

For Larkin’s friendship is a great boon in my life…and which he has clearly acknowledged back in May 2014 when he approached me and declared: “Our friendship, our being brought together, is an incredible godsend!” As for your strange accusation that I am instructing my street friends to injure or threaten him:

That is a total falsehood. Have you witnessed such an encounter, or are you naively going by whatever slander Larkin has placed in your ears? Seeing as the several homeless amigos with whom I’ve discussed Larkin, was with great patience and respect towards him. I’ve told them that Larkin is just putting me through my paces (an initiation of sorts), and that they are to keep calm, not interfere, and let the process play through.

To one of my street buddies, Mikey, (some time last year) I even said, while pointing Larkin out at Twin Peaks Tavern:

“This is Larkin, the best friend I have ever known. If I am ever in trouble, or disappeared, please go to him and let him know.”

Yet you, in your foolish brainwashing by said housemate, assumed I was setting up Larkin for revenge. Thus you ran out of the bar to give me a piece of your mind…which mind, I might add, was totally stewed in an alcoholic brew.

While I did beg some of my street buddies to talk some sense into Larkin, I did not in any way, shape or form, encourage them to harass him. Otherwise, I have no idea what you’re talking about. You need to prove your claims with solid evidence. Yet I’m afraid that all your accusations would turn out to be deemed perjury in a court of law. Which would land you in the clinker for several months or longer.

I also want you to be aware that my conflict with Larkin is a civil suit…certainty not something for 911 to respond to. In fact, Larkin is wasting the SFPD’s valuable time by forcing them to respond to a conflict which is totally nonviolent. Furthermore: your willful participation in such skulduggery will only gain you a black mark by our Peace Keepers here in the Castro, causing you to be less than appreciated by those who lay their lives on the line each and every day. Which may result in them not responding to your call should you ever truly find yourself in jeopardy.

If your foolish housemate believes he has a legitimate gripe against me, he needs to contact an attorney and proceed with a civil suit against me. Which suit, I assure you, I will win in short shrift. For I have done nothing wrong, and have only defended my right to stroll my neighborhood of more than 30 years in relative safety.

So the ball is now in your court: if you continue to be Larkin’s puppet and harass me or spread wicked gossip against yours truly, you will have to accept the unfortunate circumstances of my victory. For I have more documentation against Larkin’s abuses than you could ever shake a stick at.

Good luck with your abusive roommate.

Most sincerely,

Ezekiel J. Krahlin


Pillow Gossip

March 28, 2015

Subject: Hilarious Discovery
Date: Mon, Mar 23, 2015 at 3:40 PM
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: Sally (publishing consultant, Twosome Press)

Sal, I was shopping for another Scooby-Doo gift for Larkin (this
time for Easter), and I stumbled upon this particular pillowcase. Once
you see the design, you’ll appreciate the amazing coincidence!

Of course I had to purchase it!

– Zeke


[ Zinjanthropus Reader: if you have not been a dedicated fan of my tales for two or more years, you are most likely confused at this point. The image above is a reference to the first illustration in my book, “Free Me From This Bond,” which came out in December of 2012. (For whatever reason, Larkin is nuts about Scooby-Doo, well beyond his formative years; in fact he is now 52! So I seek out some kind of Scooby-Doo gift for him on a regular basis.) The uncanny similarity of the picture above–yet with a most humorous twist and implication to my own illustration–is most remarkable. Here it is: ]


Subject: Re: Hilarious Discovery
Date: Tue, Mar 24, 2015 at 11:24 AM
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: Sally (publishing consultant, Twosome Press)

Sally wrote:

{{ Zeke that is just brilliant! Did you buy it?

Best regards,

Sally
Publishing Consultant }}

Of course! Do I dare defy Destiny? (My disability budget’s shot for
the rest of March as a result, but I have grown quite accustomed over
the years to the myriad sacrifices put upon This Paltry Soul for My
Wyvern’s sake.) Larkin’s gonna go nuts over it. Every night he’ll lay
his head on This Prophetic Pillow Case and sail off into Scooby-Doo
Dreamland with yours truly at the helm!

Unfortunately (I guess), the delivery of this item won’t be any sooner
than April 16th…well after Easter has come and gone. Yet I trust the
timing of whatever Fate has in store for me. The sporadic conjunction
of my star with Larkin often contains a twist in the plot.

– Zeke

PS: Meanwhile, I decided to wear the following statement Sharpied onto
a square of cardboard and dangling from my neck by a shoelace…whenever I find Larkin seated at Twin Peaks Tavern (his frequent nighttime hangout down the block and across the street from my own residence).

I will stand outside where he can’t miss me, thanks to the plate glass windows looking out upon Castro & Market. So now–whenever he points me out to another patron and declares “that’s my stalker”–I’ll be able to counter that false accusation w/o speaking a word. And if he and a patron are standing outside at that moment, I’ll hand his companion my business card with a link to “Free Me From This Bond,” as well as a printout of his signed permission to use his real name in my tales. For it has finally dawned on me at this point, that Luciferian Larkin has set me up to promote my book by garnering the curiosity of said patrons. Maybe I’ll even strut throughout the neighborhood with This Albatross about my neck at all times of day and night, just to stir up controversy!

How much of a fool does he want me to be, for his love? I have recently acquired a new friend who is most handsome and kind…and could (frankly speaking) make me forget Larkin. Though I could never bear to allow that to happen. His name is Jerry, and he held me up when I stumbled.


[ So here we go, Fractalkine Reader! As I stand about Twin Peaks Tavern (and perhaps other spots in The Castro) while wearing this sign, I will hand out the following half-page document as a promotional stunt for My Astounding Novel: ]


Larkin’s sweet friendship has inspired me to self-publish a book about our adventures together, called “Free Me From This Bond”. Which novel is always free to read online, at:

http://www.gay-bible.org/free

Consider this my thank-you gift for Larkin’s incredible camaraderie, but also to the SF LGBT Community, and San Francisco in general. I was shocked when he started calling me his stalker starting in January 2013, for he always welcomed me to whatever bar he visited here in The Castro. Took me a while to figure out his intention, which began immediately after the last step in the publishing process. After almost a year of grief, I realized he was creating controversy around us, that bar patrons would become curious enough to read my book and spread the word. Free Me From This Bond is based on true adventures South of Market and here in The Castro. Most of the tales involve my adventures with Larkin; thus I give him credit for being the true author (and I, merely his recording secretary). Though he has humiliated and vilified me in public many times over, now and then he has performed most gracious deeds and declarations, as if to say: “Not is all as it seems. Hang in there, for I love you very much and I trust you to figure it all out in the long run.” He is a brilliant man, and loves to play The Game Of Life in most extraordinary ways. Below is a copy of his permission to use his real name, starting with Book 2 of what is turning out to be a trilogy. Before you pass judgment against me (or him), I beg you to read the book.


Not Is All As It Seems

March 13, 2015

!!! WARNING. ADULT MATERIAL !!!

If you are underage, or in any way forbidden by your government or religious laws from viewing X-rated subject matter, please do not go there. If, however, you are not restricted by any laws in your geographical location, by all means click on the image above, to read my salty tale.


A Valentine Lark

March 10, 2015

[ Fugacious Reader: took me a while to blog-post my Valentine’s Day gift to Larkin, but here it is now: ]

Above is the package ensemble, which I planned to present to Larkin in person, at Twin Peaks Tavern. Enclosed in the box is a pair of Valentine’s Day boxer shorts to which I taped individually wrapped caramel candies: 6 on the front and 5 on the back. The box itself was purchased at a USPS depot, intended as a DVD mailer. So he’s gonna think one or two DVDs are enclosed, until he opens it. Also stashed with the shorts were two legal size envelopes, each containing a printout of my two most recent tales: “Standing My Ground” and “Ray Revisited.”

In one of the envelopes (I forget which), I included 12 different Valentine themed Scooby-Doo images. Though I printed out all images on one sheet of paper, I cut out each pic, like individual sticky notes, and stuffed them all into a folded letter before sealing the envelope. So that (I hope), they’d spill out onto his lap.

Now, this pic below shows the other side of the gift bag, and the front of the DVD box which I wrapped in three layers of blue tissue paper, then bound in a pink shoelace. You can see Scooby-Doo clenching a Valentine card between his teeth, with caption above that declares: “Be mine.” Partially covered by the bow, are these words that I printed out and Scotch-taped onto the front:

“I wouldn’t know what heaven is like, if we didn’t meet.”

The ladybug 3-D sticker was an impulse purchase that I glued to the gift bag at the last moment.

And here’s the back of the box, showing another Scooby-Doo Valentine image, and a tiny box of candy in the shape of a heart. I chose the dragon motif, of course, since the dragon is a major theme of my “Larkin Tales.”

As it turned out, I decided to snail-mail him this latest gift…but the box of candy did not fit very well in the 10-1/2 by 13 inch bubble envelope. So I ate the contents myself: the three Russel Stover treats were quite tasty! In addition, I inserted the bag and box seperately, that the bag may lie flat within the shared mailer. There was also a Valentine’s Day card plunked into this bag, in which I wrote:

“I’m nuts about you, Larkin! Please stop being a prick.”

I’m sure that Larkin–upon extracting these three items–reconstituted my original plan to contain the box and card within this bag, that he may enjoy my intended presentation.


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