Parable Of The Laptop Billionaire

Once upon a future time–indeed barely a few years from now–a man will become so rich that even the combined resources of Bill Gates, Donald Trump and the Russian Mafia, will not be able to buy him out! In fact, on paper he will pretty much own the world.

Yet because of the complex and vast web of gov’t restrictions and global treaties, no person, no business will ever “own” the world. On the other hand, even though any major changes in his stock options, bank transactions, political stances, or favorite line of underwear, will inevitably cause one or more 2nd or 3rd world nations to collapse into utter chaos and misery (again)…he will NOT be held personally or even morally responsible.

In other words, he will not be a benefactor by nature. So you can imagine how much pleading charities will go through, to even receive a single red CENT from this Wealthiest Man in The World AND All of History. Oh, did I mention he was born with a physical anomaly that looked like two little goat horns poking through his forehead? They were surgically removed in his first week of life. (I just had to throw that in. “Zeus ex machina” and all that good stuff, you know?)

So you can ALSO imagine how many charities dedicated to feeding the starving children of Africa, will come begging at his e-mailbox every week! Eventually, he will stop to consider their woeful e-plea bleatings…and after some months of deliberation, he will present his decision (quote):

“I do not want to help these troubled tykes in the way that YOU propose,” he will proclaim on worldwide satellite link-up, his face commanding every TV screen on the planet. “But I do feel as you, that their situation is quite urgent, and the sooner generosity comes their way–and in greater and greater portions–the sooner will their sorrows end.”

“So what I will do,” he will then pause and look up from his speech; and the world will suddenly become a blanket of silence for a few, eternal heartbeats.

So what he will do, is buy all the destitute in the world (not just in Africa, and not just starving children), a laptop. And not just any laptop, but a really high quality laptop with the latest technology. They will even have WiFi!

But how will he produce 2.5 billion (give or take a few tens of millions of) laptops in the short span of 24 hours? Actually, that’s none of our business; he OWNS the planet…er, I mean “patent”.

So here will be all these starving kids in Africa, without a roof over their heads (and many without any parent, sibling, relation or friend in the world), on the scorched savanna, perishing right before the lenses of first-world camcorders…as they bring into every home in Amerika and the world, those shocking images of freshly dead, emaciated bodies of darkling elves curled around a Thinkpad X-999. (Time Magazine, front cover 10 August 2013: For Every Grave A Laptop.)

Most unfortunate, this collateral damage…though unavoidable when transitioning from standalone to network. Computer jokes–that is, jokes rendered by AI systems–will be made about humans as nothing more than “dumb terminals”. Despite this ribbing, Underground Queer IT Experts (both digital and analog) will become the New Heroes, and little children shall learn to hack all of us into a better reality.

And when they start hacking the world, they will first redistribute all the wealth, so that everyone will be comfortably well off. Of couse, by then the Laptop Billionaire will no longer be a billionaire. Not even a millionaire. Or a thousand or HUNDRED aire! There will BE no wealthy person on the planet any more! Interestingly enough, the Laptop Billionaire will also be a very handsome gay male, who’ll discover a new career in tasting flavored birthday cards for Hallmark.

There shall become writ this New Law of Government (and the newest Amendment to the United States Constitution: number 482 to be precise), which will also be Moses’ ELEVENTH commandment:

“Thou shalt own a laptop by right of birth.”

Yes, the right to own a laptop provided FREELY by the government, shall become as much a birthright as the freedom to pursue The Angel Of Happiness. And eventually, laptops will become so INTIMATELY embedded in our lives, that this New Law, this Eleventh Commandment, shall finally be altered to read:

“Thou shalt be TRANSFERRED to a laptop at birth.”

–the end *** BEEP [sleep mode]


“The day will soon arrive when biological and computer viruses will become completely indistinguishable from each other.” – Mighty Mouse Virus

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