Fear in the Heart

[ Free Me From This Bond (the sequel): Chapter 7 ]

Date: Fri, 5 Apr 2013 16:56:02
Sequel to Free Me From This Bond
From: Zeke
To: My E-frenz

My dear E-frenz,

I have added a blurb to my first online novel, with a link to read the sequel (a work in progress). You are welcome to peruse the accumulating chapters of the sequel, before it is complete, and published. Just go to my original “Free Me From This Bond” page, and jump to the bottom:


There, you will find this blurb, as well as a link to the sequel in progress.

Date: Fri, 5 Apr 2013 17:03:40
Fake email
From: Zeke
To: Eleanor

I figured out a most elegant way to add email pieces to my tales, other than using your name as a vehicle. I’ll just post it back to myself, and change the “To: Zeke” part into “To: My Kindred Readers.”

I think it’s an elegant solution. Plus it does not create a burden upon your own impulse to respond, even though you may be quite busy with working on your next novel. Or interfere with spending quality time with Mitch.

– Zeke

Date: Fri, 5 Apr 2013 18:25:37
Re: Fake email
From: Zeke
To: Eleanor

Eleanor wrote:

{{ Sounds fine–but don’t worry that it’s any trouble, ’cause it isn’t. }}

I understand. It’s just that I have become so accustomed to no one putting any sort of trust in me, I tend to be a bit obsequious. I thank you so much for your kindness.

– Zeke

Date: Fri, 5 Apr 2013 18:31:0
Re: I was just featured on a blog from Nottingham, England!
From: Zeke
To: Carlyle

Carlyle wrote:

{{ Hmm.. don’t know what to make of it. If he’s a friend, he would eventually come back and apologize. }}

I have ultimate faith that he ultimately will.

{{ If not, probably best to part ways. }}

I could not bear that, ever. Imagine if all of a sudden one morning, Danny would decide he doesn’t care about you one whit, and is moving out that very same day.

{{ Sounds like he might be troubled }}

Yes! Maybe he started using meth.

{{ by something so that he reacts to everything and anything with hostility. A generic “Leave me alone” kind of attitude that would be aimed at anyone who walked through the door. }}

But I am his one true lover and liberator. There is no other way to go, than stand by this wonderful man, through thick or thin. While my heart breaks tremendously for his love, I am also quite joyful to have met such an amazing human being.

Things will suck for a while longer. But once that passes, I will be more blissed out than a Muslim surrounded by 70 virgins and a camel.

– Ezekiel

Date: Fri, 5 Apr 2013 16:48:27
Re: Just marched on by Twin Peaks…
From: Zeke
To: Eleanor

Eleanor wrote:

{{ I doubt being homo (male) could be any more complicated than being hetero (female)….it’s love that’s complicated, no matter what your “equipment.” }}

I understand what you mean, El. But perhaps I need to explain further. In a homophobic society (and all societies remain homophobic to a significant degree):

Gay folks are constantly terrorized by churches and the media. This creates a psychological burden that thwarts many potential relationships and even friendships. While providing all sorts of perks and accommodations for hetero pairing.

After all, holding hands in public (not to mention kissing) puts gay couples at high risk for discrimination, job loss, family and community rejection, and even violence and murder. These egregious threats are rarely anything hetero couples need consider.

I find very few gay men capable of rising above such ubiquitous terrorism. Thus thwarting most chances to get close to those of the same sex, who they might otherwise love.

Which also makes it quite impossible to experience many failed relationships, that one may learn and grow…so that one finally figures out how to finally have a successful bonding, thus move ahead with forming a rewarding and healthy camaraderie.

I also consider the male ego: quite arrogant and selfish in many cases. Therefore, sex and intimacy between two males is far more potent (and potentially more explosive), than it is between opposite-sex partners.

Having said this, I do realize the many difficulties that come with falling in love, and striving towards a fulfilling relationship, including marriage. Regardless of sexual orientation

– Zeke

Date: Fri, 5 Apr 2013 17:05:36
Re: Just marched on by Twin Peaks…
From: Zeke
To: Eleanor

Eleanor wrote:

{{ Oh, believe me, I know all about the terrorism and discrimination. I’m talking about in an “ideal” world. }}

Of course. Excuse me for being such a neophyte about life. I never had to wait on a mother dying slowly of Alzheimer’s. Though quite talented as an author, I am most ignorant of everything else.

{{ As for the more “potent” and “explosive” sexual intimacy…women are very accustomed to hearing that their non-male, penisless state is a natural deficiency. }}

Yeah, isn’t that a bunch of crock! Just because I have no idea of the female orgasm, doesn’t mean that I, as a male, am superior.

{{ But take my word for it: when the chemistry’s there, heterosex is atomic. }}

Excuse me, El. I have blinders on. Which do serve a noble purpose: to focus on gay rights.

{{ A woman can cum ten times in a row, riding the hard-on of a skillful man, one who has transcended the great gender divide, saving up his own explosion exquisitely while he “tangos” his partner to ecstasy… }}

If your intent was to make me blush, it was a good job. 0_o

– Zeke

Date: Sat, 6 Apr 2013 20:24:33
From: Keith
To: Zeke

Thanks for the tobacco smokes today. Sedge (our housemate, and his boyfriend Erwin) and Gus have invited some of their friends over for a little get together, and they said I’m welcome to invite anyone I want. I have not invited anyone yet, but if you’re out and about and feel like stopping by the “˜party’ is open from 8:30 to 11 and you’re more than welcome. Otherwise hopefully i will see you at the Hole in the Wall Tuesday.

Date: Sat, 6 Apr 2013 20:50:20
Re: hello
From: Keith
To: Zeke

Keith wrote:

{{ you’re more than welcome }}

I’ll be right over. Can use the break from my computer and writing. Thanks!

– Zeke

Date: Sun, 7 Apr 2013 01:29:58
Re: hello
From: Zeke
To: Keith

Keith wrote:

{{ otherwise hopefully i will see you at the Hole in the Wall Tuesday. }}

Just got home, thought I’d post you a quick message. I had such a nice time tonight, seeing you and meeting other bright souls. But most of all, spending some time with you was a great treasure. I’m gonna crash out now, and dream of Tuesday.



Date: Sun, 7 Apr 2013 17:41:35
Letter to the Eagle Tavern
From: Zeke
To: My E-frenz

I just snail-mailed the following missive to the new manager of the reopened Eagle Tavern:

7 April 2013

Dear Tobias,

Again, let me commend your new position as manager, along with the reopening of the second best gay bar on the planet. The first, of course, being Hole in the Wall Saloon. (Because after all, that’s where I first met Larkin.) I would also like to mention at this time:

You are a terribly kind man; for you knew I lived on a meager disability stipend. And thus you only charged me half price, that I could afford now and then to buy some bodacious dude a drink. That was some years ago, before I was driven out for a time by unfortunate and frightening circumstance.

Here is an idea I have that is typical of my gay-activist pioneer spirit (though practically and financially speaking, it may not be feasible):

Personally, I am so tired of visiting gay bars where so much of the music is a celebration of poking one’s kok into vagina. “When a Man Loves a Woman” is but one among many examples. I would love to see at least one gay venue eradicate such songs, and replace them with those that clearly celebrate gay (or sexual minority including transgender) affection.

I realize that limiting the music selection to only pro-gay lyrics may prove impracticable, both for reasons financial and paucity of selections. However:

Isn’t it time for pro-gay bands to challenge copyright issues by converting hetero lyrics to those that are gay/transgender? Couldn’t a movement be instigated by such singers and groups, to confront the breeder status quo?

Someone’s gotta do it…and I’m hoping that perhaps you have the inspiration and connections to do just that. You would become a hero by leading the first gay bar to ever make such a profound transition. Then again, you’re already a hero in my eyes, so I won’t be disappointed if you cannot meet such a request.

Since the Eagle Tavern is under new ownership, I would not be surprised at all if Larkin returns now and then. As for myself, I have decided to make Tuesdays my “SOMA adventure” by first hanging out at the Hole in the Wall Saloon from 3-5 PM, then moseying on down to the Eagle for another two hours.

Larkin and I are going through our first crisis in our relationship…so if he does start hanging out while I’m there, please do not be surprised if we don’t associate with each other. Though I’m certain this bump in our friendship will smooth itself out in a little more time.

FYI: I mentioned you in a recent blog entry, that will eventually become a sequel to my novel, “Free Me From This Bond.” Only with the greatest of compliments. You may read the piece here:


Reference to you is contained in a paragraph close to the top, that begins with: “Oh! What’s the celebration?”

With much appreciation and affection,

Zeke Krahlin

PS: I ran out of black ink, that’s why this letter’s in purple.

Date: Sun, 7 Apr 2013 20:32:38
My Bible Saves the Day!
From: Zeke
To: Keith

Hello again Keith, you’re a very sweet man! Now, don’t get me wrong: when I say “my bible” I don’t mean what most people think of. In fact I’m talking about my own “Faggot Bible” that I created out of an old cookbook many years ago (pre-Internet, that’s for sure), and taped my pro-gay writing printouts over each page. I told you recently that I couldn’t locate my “Canvas of Eros” piece anywhere on my hard drive, gay-bible.org web site, blog entries, or on Usenet.

Three days after giving up, it occurred to me: “Maybe my Fag Bible contains that particular piece.” So I rushed home to discover that, yes, it does exist: on page 164 in bold, green ink.

Hallelujah! Praise gay Jesus and his beloved Father and one-and-only lover and sex partner, Great Gay Jehovah!

So I spent this eve typing it all out, that you may receive a copy for your own sacred-queer benefit. Even though you dropped over yesterday and heard me read it to you. (BTW, it was a tremendous pleasure having your beloved self visit me in my humble cubicle. No man on this planet is quite as sweet as you, I have come to conclude! Not even Larkin, so very sad to say.)

What I find so amusing and insightful is that MY bible gave me the answer I so ardently sought. No, neither the New Testament nor the Old. Not even the Quran. It was my very own FAGGOT BIBLE. That told me something right there:


Though I read you that essay yesterday afternoon, it gives me great pleasure to replicate it here in my email…that you may not only enjoy for your own delectation, but also share with anyone else that comes to your angelic mind. Have a beautiful night in the arms of your own guardian angel (who is Gus of course); and may the Demons of Despair and Nihilism cease haunting your dreams. Here goes, sweetheart:

(c) 1997 by Ezekiel J. Krahlin
(Jehovah’s Queer Witness)

I need 20 to 30 models to pose for an original mural. The reason you hold this paper in your hand, is because I find you to be a physically excellent subject for my painting. After reading my proposal, decide if you are interested, then contact me, Ezekiel Krahlin, at:


You may visit me and view some of my art work, in order to see that my proposal is legitimate (in that I really am an artist). After reading this paper, you will realize that the creation of my mural will be a team effort…exhilarating, profound, and lots of hard work! My idea is as follows:

The mural shall be painted on a canvas. The painting shall be the exact height and width of the wall, so that the canvas will appear to be the actual wall itself. (Or: the paintng shall be divided into two large canvasses, one canvas being twice as wide as the other. Canvasses shall be mounted on the same wall, occupying at least eighty percent of the wall’s actual dimensions. Canvasses shall be separated from each other by six to twelve inches of wall space. If the double-canvas proposal is selected, the walls in the room should be painted some shade of white.)

The painting shall be composed of four major colors: metallic silver, iridescent white, bright (flat) white, and metallic gold (with, perhaps, some glossy jet black). Painting medium shall be acrylic, including a foundation and surface wash of clear acrylic.

I will need twenty to thirty male models…half being the “butch daddy” type, other half the “virginal boy” type. They must represent a good balance of racial mixes, and all be circumcised. The models shall pose naked before a camera. The picture shall be enlarged to life size, and match the exact size of the canvas(ses). Almost to the point where the viewers must look twice before seeing them.The stallion and pony shall be painted metallic gold, with perhaps glossy black for eyes and/or other markings.

The intended mood of the painting is more “beautiful” than “erotic,” and there will definitely be nothing pornographic about it, since any sexual act will be “implied,” as the emphasis is on affection. I would like some of the models to cry genuine tears during the actual photo session, if at all possible.

Some boys (to the right, and in the background) shall appear as in a deep sleep. Some men will be looking over these boys, wondering which to select for their “son.” One man will be crouching over a boy, nudging him awake. One man will be in the process of lifting a boy off the ground. One man will be carrying a boy off in his arms. Some men in the background will be standing around some sleeping boys, contemplating which ones to select. The intended feeling to convey among these pausing men is:

“How sad that there aren’t enough fathers right now to wake up all these lovely sons at once!”

Towards the left, partly behind the two horses, shall be a standing man and boy. The man is facing the viewer, looking straight ahead. The boy’s back is to the viewer, with his head turned partly to the left, so that we may see a partial profile of his face. The boy’s head is resting on the man’s chest, with his left arm extended to the man’s shoulder, in anticipaton of being carried off in the man’s arm.

The man shall have his left arm around the boy, several inches above the boy’s waist. The boy shall have his right arm around the man’s waist. Immediately to the left of them is another man and boy. The man shall carry the boy in his arms, with the boy’s back partly turned to the viewer, and his head against the man’s left shoulder. The boy’s legs are draped over the man’s right arm. The models shall be in all different phases of erection, from flaccid to fully erect (this I will leave to mother nature, and not to my dictates).

I require several rehearsals for the models to get their poses memorized. Models shall perform rehearsals fully dressed in comfortable clothing. I will decide the poses, then chalk (or tape) their positions on the floor. The actual photo session shall require the proper studio lighting, and be done in black and white.

I will personally select and interview each model, by approaching each one with a descriptive flyer containing this proposal, as well as my phone number. Anyone whom I select, and who is interested, will be chosen. That way there will be no hurt feelings as a result of being turned down for the mural. Projected expenses: canvas, paint, model sessions, photographer, picture enlargement, and (of course) artist’s fee. I will negotiate with my patron over all costs and mural design until (hopefully) we reach an agreement that pleases both my patron and myself.

Please note that what I am proposing is a most beautiful work, and that anyone who participates should be damn proud of doing so…and have no shame of his appearance, having or not having an erection, ability or lack of shedding tears, or anything else that is natural in a man who walks the path of sacrifice, devotion, and comradeship. In order to pose in such uninhibited style, you must feel absolutely confident that you rate (on a scale of 1 to 10) as a 10+; and that anyone who sees you as less than that is a fool.

Also note that my proposal is an idea I freely share. If some other painter follows through with it before I do…more power to him. I believe that the subject matter is too important to guard jealously until I can accomplish it on my own.

Blessed be to you and Gus and all others close to your darling heart,

– Zeke

Date: Sun, 7 Apr 2013 21:49:18
Wedding Vision Makeover
From: Zeke
To: Eleanor

So, El, no doubt you recall my recent “wedding vision” of several days previous (as described in Chapter 2). To my surprise, early this morning my astral pilot decided to revisit that revery with a total revamp:

After Larkin emerges from the patio urinal and proposes to me, Randolph then steps out from that same urinal, runs up to the stage and hugs me with equal affection matching that of my Irish paramour.

At this point I swoon, and do not awaken until Sister Beelzebum finds her smelling salts and revives this poor victim of many loves’ wounds. I can barely see through my veil of joyful tears.

“Randolph! It is such sweet revelation to have you in my arms once more,” I exclaim while still catching my fervent breath.

For he disappeared from my life way back in 1992, w/o my having any idea or way of knowing what happened. He’s 66 years old now, yet still bodaciously handsome, with curly waves of thick, silver hair (once ruddy brown) and piercing cobalt eyes. Shorter than Larkin, though, yet still taller than myself. Randolph is 5-foot-11, and retains his buff Marine physique.

So Randolph then proposes to me, and places a second ring on my wedding finger, right above and beside the ring that Larkin had just presented.

After embracing Randolph with woeful kisses, I turn towards Larkin to thank him from the bottom of my heart. But he is gone! I glimpse his back for a flash, before he disappears through the front exit.

“No!” I plead to all attending, “Please bring Larkin back. I cannot possibly live with one without the other! They are both my cherished lambs!”

Some minutes later (during which time a soft hubbub of confusion stifles the celebratory mood), Larkin is dragged back in against his will by four burly leather daddies. He is blushing, head lowered in great humility. For I realize then, that Larkin’s noble spirit fulfilled his mission to bring My First Great Love back to my lonely arms. And having done so, vanishes ASAP that I may not hesitate in accepting Randolph’s return.

Now, both My Benevolent Darlings stand before me, trembling with anticipation (perhaps because neither of them has gotten his rocks off for years: Larkin due to heavy imbibing of whiskey and Coke, and Randolph due to prolonged PTSD). So I first take Larkin’s hands in mine and speak:

“Larkin, you are the very best friend I have ever known. Don’t you dare leave me now, or ever! You are such heaven to me, I can’t begin to describe.”

I then stand on my toes to wrap my arms around his broad, skinny shoulders, and buss him on the cheek. A delicate rivulet slips from his tear duct and salts my upper lip. Then I turn to Randolph:

“Randolph,” I exclaim to him and all present, “Don’t ever try to take your life again. Not when you have a good friend like me who loves you to the ends of the earth and beyond. Just because I never went to Vietnam doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”

And likewise, I embrace Randolph and shower him with joyful kisses.

So, the marriage ceremony joins three good men together. Mormons be damned…along with Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, et cetera. (Pagans and atheists OTH have my utmost regard.) After the festivities, we three are left stranded with a pile of wedding gifts by all the loving patrons who attended. I turn to address the tavern’s manager, Tobias:

“How on earth can I accept all these marvelous presents? I just live in a single room!”

“Oh, you need not worry yourself, Zeke,” he declares with a grin stretching from temple to temple. “We have provided you and your lovers with a new home, all expenses paid by the SOMA Gay Community.”

I begin to weep again, this time with arms draped about Tobias.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” I bawl.

Then we three lovebirds depart in a limousine (provided gratis by the Italian Mafia; I don’t know why they’re in my vision) to our new home, and plan for the honeymoon. Which will take place in Scotland’s Outer Hebrides.

End of latest vision. What a trip, eh, Eleanor?

But I must admit at this point, this is all just wishful thinking.

For Larkin (on that night he shoved me) has put fear of him in my heart, that remains a grief.

After all these years of such fine friendship. Portland calls.

Luv ya,

– Zeke

Date: Sun, 7 Apr 2013 22:15:56
As for Larkin maybe taking speed…
From: Zeke
To: Carlyle

…that would not stop me from loving him, or being a good friend. I have many friends on meth, who adore me totally, and do not steal or give me a hard time in any other way.

They may not be able to present a hard-on, but they just love to hug me, even sleep with me in sweet embrace. With our clothes on…no big deal AFAIC. What I have learned over many years:

It is not the substance of preference that cloaks the soul, but who they were before the abuse began.

– Ezekiel

PS: Besides, I really have zilch evidence that this is Larkin’s problem. Just a consideration on my part.

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