Spamming My Way To Success

Yessiree Bob! My first week on Twitter to promote my book has been quite a fun ride…all the way up to the moment I got suspended. Which was but two hours ago. I truly reveled in the clever tweets with perfect (but quite yummy) strangers of the masculine persuasion. Just like back in the day when people did same, face-to-face:

in coffeehouses, on the streets, or in each other’s homes where one was often invited. Which sometimes included that extra special treat: a delightful tryst of carnal proportion on some cushy sofa, bed or even the kitchen table should the God of Passion rule the moment.

Now, everything’s in cyberspace and we must hone the imagination to drum up lustful fantasies, or perish. No more skin on skin, tongue on balls or butt riding face. It’s all emoticons now. (To be honest, I don’t miss sweat. I hate sweat. But I’m sure there’s an emoticon for that, too.)

I had acquired 62 followers in a brief six days. Why? Because I’m witty (or perhaps one should say “twitty” for the sake of not appearing as the 60’s fossil that I’ve become). Everyone loved my badinage and wanted more. So they hopped on the Zeke bandwagon. Then at times–say twice per week–I’d blurt out tweets to promote my novel in an entertaining but innocuous way.

Some of my followers had their own followers in such quantity, that whenever one of mine retweeted me, my words would broadcast to thousands. In some cases, tens and even hundreds of thousands! That’s because among my tweet amigos were big-time celebrities such as Prez Obama, Paul McCartney, Prince Andrew, Lady Gaga, Donald Trump, Charles Manson, and Nancy Sinatra. Oh I was rubbing virtual shoulders alright!

So, all in all I was expanding my potential pool of “Free Me From This Bond” purchasers at an astronomical rate. I was a happy little twitterer. Until the walls of Social Media came tumbling down on me in an instant, like Jericho.

Why did I get suspended? I’ll never really know coz I’m not about to genuflect before The Almighty Tweetness and beg for mercy.

Which seems to be the requisite humiliation one must perform in order to be readmitted into their Inner Tweetdom. I know this now because I googled “Twitter Sucks” and discovered myriads of irate former tweeters who were excommunicated for the most trivial reasons. Or for no reason at all but that some tweeting twerp didn’t like what that tweeter said, so reported him or her to the tweet-thorities…often the case of a right-wing Fascist arse-licker sabotaging progressive tweeters.

Did some homophobe (and there’s a lot of ’em out there, like cockroaches) not like my uber-gay tweets? Did I offend the tweetocracy by acquiring followers too quickly (which they perceive as a red flag for spamolocity, though for me it was simple exuberance exploring a new media)? Some jealous author wannabe didn’t like the competition? A snarky know-it-all who has nothing better to do in his/her life but wreak tweeting chaos?

Or was it the revenge of a freaky misogynist whom I blocked and reported just yesterday, due to his hateful tweets against women?

Guess this spunky little queer will never know! Maybe the answer lies somewhere in here:

24 Reasons Why Twitter Sucks

But I do know this: once you start following self-publication promoters you get inundated with tweets that spam for budding authors. There is no heart, no humanity in their approach, because neither the authors nor their agents actually participate with other tweeters in comradely discourse. They simply dump their promotional tweet about twice per week for each author.

Considering how many authors each publishing service accomodates, this can snowball into great numbers of tweets in short shrift! These promoters are paid by authors to do this, but I think their antisocial approach does a lot more harm than good. Personally, my gut response is to run the other way whenever I see another author tweet come barreling down the pike.

So it occurred to me last night: hey, I’m too broke to purchase their services, so why not just piggyback on a bunch of ’em with witty repartee that also includes a link to my novel? After all, not only is my goal to publish a noble one when you consider the message of brotherly gay love…it is also a desperate one simply because I really don’t want to end up on the streets like some war-torn refugee.

Thus, I felt totally justified by pushing the envelope a bit, by riding on the coattails of tweet-vertisements that are essentially spam, though permitted by our Twitter Overlords. Besides, I only planned to execute my guerilla advertising blitz but one time, and no more.

Followers loved my clever promotional tweets, thus retweeted them to thousands! By the time I got shut down, I’d say at least 750,000 fellow Tweeters got wind of my Highly Homosexualized Opus. So I’m actually quite pleased with the results of my Twitter bombardment in such a short time. Unfortunately, I was in the middle of screen-capturing all my promo-tweets when my netbook locked up and I had to reboot. But my account had been shut down between the reboot and logging back on. So I’m sure I’ve lost some tweets, though I believe I netted more than 90%, that posterity may tweet the memory alive.

However, I’m gonna keep my Twitter link in the WordPress widget bar, even though I’m banned. Why? Because one can still read all my silly tweets from finish to start. For whenever anyone needs a humorous lift in their life, they can always count on this bedraggled poof’s comical bon mots. Just remember to click on the “conversation” link to view my tweets in context…you’ll have a lot more fun that way. I also harbor this Walter-Twitty fantasy that followers who’ve come to love me in such short time, will demand that the Twitter Gatekeepers beckon me back into their microblog fiefdom. Anywayz:

Below are screen shots of my promotional blurts (attached to self-publisher spam-tweets for the sake of context.) Sometimes I’d append a photo of my book cover, or a chapter illustration. IOW: it was either one or the other pic as shown here:

These pics are not displayed in my tweets below. But whenever you see the words “View photo” below my pitch, know that it is one of the two. Now, kick back and enjoy the ride that I call “spamming my way to success”.

Google+ here I come! (I hate Google+, not even sure what it is. But publishing mavens across the Interwebs highly recommend the service, just as they do Twitter. Maybe I’ll have a snack first.)


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