Am I Suicidal?

FACEBOOK CHAT (August 3, 2015):

Now pay attention to the clock time of each post.

8/3, 1:22pm

Gonna go see The Kills tonight @ First Avenue

8/3, 3:49pm

Well you have a wonderful time. Larkin’s in for a big surprise, I punked him back big time, for his pranking me by calling 911 some nights back, telling them I’m suicidal. You will read about that in “A Quiet Night at Mission Station.” /My/ retaliatory prank you will read about in the email. The devil’s in the details!

8/3, 3:50pm

That is not even a prank, that is just being an asshole. Haven’t the police got anything better to do? Obviously not!!!!

8/3, 4:03pm

Did you actually read the tale? If you did, you wouldn’t say that. You must now report to the principal and stay late for detention.

8/3, 4:03pm

Are you suicidal?

8/3, 4:04pm

Just read the tale, instead of trying to draw it out of me via tedious little chat bars. I’m gonna go jump off a bridge now; you drove me to it.

8/3, 4:07pm

I now have 989 followers on Twitter. I wonder what numerology has to say about that.

8/3, 4:15pm


8/3, 4:17pm

I guess you’re reading it right now.

8/3, 4:36pm

I sacrificed 18 goats, a narwhal and two gerbils in order to gain such astounding storytelling abilities! And now I have to listen to someone criticize my brilliant tale before she even reads it? As if I’m some sort of flaky dipwad who is totally delusional, thus interprets hateful attacks as true blessings. Jeez! What is this asteroid coming to?

8/3, 4:38pm

Furthermore: I firmly believe that 9/11 was orchestrated by our gov’t, and not by these Reptilian Overlords about to descend on our world in lavender pasties.

8/3, 4:57pm

More furthermore: if I /were/ suicidal I wouldn’t just blab about it to anyone, let alone to those closest to my iron heart. And to /ask/ someone if they’re suicidal is a definite party-crashing etiquette faux pas! You need to recite IMMEDIATELY 10 Hail Mary’s and 5 Desideratas. It is such a Brobdingnagian chore to stand there and hear someone spout such a clueless question that leaps from gawd-knows-what dark wrinkle in the cerebrum to confound my sensibilities like a shrieking phantasm that just turned a corner and ran right into me! Reminds me of that day several years back when I told some lady that my stage name as a gay-themed standup comic is Jehovah’s Queer Witness. “Oh?” she tilted her head like a budgie, “/Are/ you a Jehovah’s Witness?”


One Response to Am I Suicidal?

  1. Barb says:

    I would send you money to help out if I had your address
    <3 <3 <3

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