Zeke’s 10 New Rules

[ Exfoliated Reader: these Ten New Rules are roughly drawn to satirize Moses’ Commandments, updated for LGBT folks as channeled through my specifically personal adventures. Originally broadcast separately, each New Rule was snail-mailed on a postcard, to six gay bars that Larkin frequent(s)(ed), as well as to The Dragonfly Emperor Himself. Which occurred during the months of July and August 2015. (It was originally five bars until I discovered that 440 Castro was his latest addition to his hustler dives.)

Note: the paragraph above was written in the past tense, as I planned to release this blog entry after all postcards have been sent. However, I decided to publish this piece today, in advance of New Rules 7-10. I also mailed a copy of my 10 New Rules to Larkin yesterday, that he may be aware of what’s comin’ down the pike. I will mail the remainder three days apart.

Click on the Sufi heart below each section, to view an image of the actual postcard. You will have to scroll down to find it…first the front and then the back. In two cases (numbers 2 and 3, and numbers 7 and 8) two sequential postcards are presented in a single blog entry. After August 30th, links to postcards #9 and #10 shall be provided. ]

  1. Do not allow Larkin Kelsey to enter, or remain in, any gay bar, tavern, saloon or the like, without my company. Except for Moby Dick, whenever his roommate Zachary is tending bar.
  2. Larkin must commute from his home on a motorless go-cart no less than 5 blocks in any direction. This go-cart shall be powered only by a flock of 20 chickens tethered to the front, like a bobsled. No other form of locomotion is acceptable.
  3. Give Larkin as many hugs as he can handle. And tell him each time, how much Zeke loves him. And wants him to have a beautiful life with or without me. If he is in a gay bar, tavern, saloon or the like when you do this, kick him out immediately after your hug…unless of course if I am standing beside him at that time.
  4. Be kind to Larkin Kelsey, yet do not allow him to disappear from my world: geographically, socially or consciously. This includes watching over him, that he does not hurt himself (unlikely, but better safe than sorry). Know that whatever outcome is my lot with Mr. Kelsey, reflects directly upon the S.F. LGBT community at large.
  5. Like a popular sport, many denizens of gay bars go out of their way to destroy potential friendships outside their own circle. This must end. I fully trust my supporters (whoever they are) to bust their ovaries in order to make this change. And thank you ahead of time for all your good work. A new age is dawning, and it’s very gay. (This is writ in memory of Officer Jane.)
  6. We the SF Queer Family owe Friesen Press everything! For they are the only self-publishing venue that would even touch my novel, which is based on true tales of my adventures as a gay street activist here in Baghdad by the Bay. With Larkin Kelsey the protagonist, and my hero. So if at all possible, please publish the three sequels to my book, “Free Me From This Bond” via Friesen, as our community takes over the distribution of my writing. The link to the free version is http://www.gay-bible.org/free. My publishing advisor is Debbie Anderson, out of Victoria, British Columbia. 1-888-378-6793 ext. 307. danderson@friesenpress.com
  7. Flush out all the obvious and not-so-obvious street people who are homophobic. Thus you shall protect those homeless
    who are either LGBT or friendly to us, who are the most vulnerable to violent attacks (certainly more so than those living indoors). Please base your judgment on behavior, not words. For some who are gay nonetheless act very bigoted, believing that is necessary to protect themselves. They gotta go, too, no excuses. This will also make The Castro a much safer place for residents and visitors alike. You can easily expose the not-so-obvious by calculated words or behavior that you impart. We can then build on this accomplishment, by forming a more cohesive union among all queers and their allies.
  8. The borders of The Castro shall be defined much as the earlier delineation that is termed “Eureka Valley.” That is: Dolores
    Street is the eastern edge, the outermost (Waller Street) border of Duboce Park the northern extent, 20th Street is the southernmost border, and Douglass Street the western limit. So please confine all New Rules within those limits. And be confident that our victories shall swiftly expand beyond these borders, to finally encompass the entire planet.
  9. Do not be fooled by The Naked. For most of these
    guys and gals who occupy Jane Warner Plaza almost totally nude, do not give a flying fuk about LGBT rights. They are wannabe celebrity poseurs, who use the relative safety of The Castro in hopes of gaining financial glory, at the cost of queer denizens and visitors, who only wish to have a nice time in a safe space. Most of these nudists are hetero, but those who identify as gay, are self destructive with a perverted desire to fuk up The Castro Reputation as much as they can. For if they were sincere in The Right to be Naked, they’d have already expanded their cause into other SF neighborhoods. Their purpose is merely to serve as puppets for the homophobic right wing: to convince tourists and TV addicts that The Castro is indeed a boiling pot of sexually diseased sodomites. Give ’em hell and get them outta here!
  10. Give all glory to the Hypnotoad! But if not, then give it to me. Or to Larkin Kelsey thanks to his many incredible (and often painful) lessons. Or to the many excellent LGBT scouts under His Command: such as yourself, perhaps. For I/Him/We am/are The Be-All & End-All of LGBT Equality. This is my last New Rule, which I trust you will take to heart. Have fun with your life; just know there are others also queer, but who must suffer the slings and arrows of homelessness, poverty, redneck location, et cetera. Do your utmost best for each of these long-suffering angels. I hope My 10 New Rules will be an inspiration towards a more egalitarian and LGBT friendly existence. Thank you kindly for bearing with me…Larkin be exalted!

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