Zeke-Response Bot: an Algorithm Whose Time has Come

[BRINDLEKIN TALES – Book 2: Chapter 8]

[Something from back in November that I almost forgot to post to my WordPress blog. Note: the person I called “Tara Roosevelt” for several months, is the same person I now call “My Dear Wattson.” Who IS this woman? That may not be revealed until Brindlekin Tales becomes the all-time bestseller in the whole of anthropoid history, and brings the world to its knees! Which I predict will occur some time later this year.]


Subject: You need a Zeke-Response Bot, Tara!
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: Tara Roosevelt
Date: November 7, 2021 11:13 AM

I’m serious about this (or not)…as the type of AI I’m talking about is a rather low-IQ version, so to speak. IOW, it’s a very basic form of artificial intelligence (thus, much smarter than Donald Trump; goes without saying). And its sole purpose would be to respond to each and every one of my plethora of emails that I’m streaming to you these days, like a gushing fire hose out of control…which you really have NO time to read, except one here and there. All this Zeke-Response Bot needs is a small database of stock replies. Which one of those replies it chooses will be based on key words and phrases in my latest missive. Determined by a simple algorithm that already has access to a collection of my key words and phrases harvested from all my blog entries containing either the word “[your real first name],” “[your most common real nickname],” “[your real surname]” or “Tara Roosevelt.” Examples of stock replies would be:

  • “Wowee!”
  • “You’re on a roll!”
  • “Ha! Good one.”
  • “I hope he comes around.”
  • “I hope he comes around for your sake.”
  • “I hope he comes around for the doggies’ sake.”
  • “I hope he comes around for your sake AND the doggies’.”
  • “I hope he comes around for his own sake, as well as yours and the doggies’.”
  • “I’m sorry you’re going through that.”
  • “Wise decision, though heartbreaking.”
  • “I trust you know what you’re doing.”
  • “No, I don’t mind if you use my real name.”
  • “No, I’d rather you use a pseudonym.”
  • “Anyone who harms a dog should be executed.”
  • “Anyone who harms a dog should be drawn and quartered.”
  • “Anyone who harms a dog should have their skin flayed and fed to that same dog.”
  • “Anyone who harms a dog should be pierced with sewing needles from head to foot, then locked in a cage and fed to army ants live on Zoom.”
  • “Ouch!”
  • “I admire Eleanor Roosevelt.”
  • “I worship the cat.”
  • “Surely is the best little doggy he could possibly be.”
  • “I’m swamped in work right now, but I’ll get around to it.”
  • “I’m really busy these days, but I moved your latest post into my ‘don’t forget to read this’ folder.
  • “I don’t have time to read it now.”
  • “I don’t have time to read it now, but will when I have a moment.”
  • “I don’t have time to read it now, but will when I have a moment or three.”
  • “What a ditz! He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
  • “What a ditz! She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”
  • “What a bunch of ditzes! They don’t know what they’re talking about.”
  • “I’m immersed in writing my next book.”
  • “I’m immersed in writing my next book, which is a mystery novel.”
  • “I’m immersed in writing my next book, which is a mystery novel that is quite scary.”
  • “I’m immersed in writing my next book, which is a mystery novel that is quite scary, and based on historical events.”
  • “I’m immersed in writing my next book, which is a mystery novel that is quite scary, and based on historical events around Ed Gein.”
  • “I guess that’s just the way the cookie crumbles.”
  • “I consider myself agnostic.”
  • “We are all prisoners to the cold laws of physics.”
  • “We are all prisoners to the cold, impersonal and ruthless laws of physics.”
  • “We are all prisoners to the cold, impersonal and ruthless laws of physics, and time engulfs us all into eternity’s mindless abyss.”
  • “I have to drive him there myself.”
  • “I hope they publish it.”
  • “I hope they publish it, you’re an excellent author.”
  • “I hope they publish it, you’re an excellent author who deserves much recognition.”
  • “I hope they publish it, you’re an excellent author who deserves much recognition and worldwide kudos.”
  • “I never get on airplanes or jets; I dread the very idea of it.”
  • “Don’t worry, that maniac serial killer is way over in another part of our huge county.”
  • “You’re right.”
  • “Keep up the good work.”
  • “Keep up the good work. He’ll come around eventually.”
  • “Keep up the good work. They’ll come around eventually.”
  • “Keep up the good work. I believe in you.”
  • “Keep up the good work. I believe in you, even if no one else does.”
  • “He’s my hero.”
  • “She’s my hero.”
  • “You’re my hero.”
  • “I hardly ever see Anthony any more.”
  • “I hardly ever see Anthony any more, but last time I did, he looked awful.”
  • “That’s very sad.”
  • “I couldn’t be happier for you.”
  • “I can send you some money.”

And so on. The idea is that you would be freed up from any sense of obligation to respond to me in a timely manner. Yet having your kind attention in support of my writing–and you yourself already quite an accomplished author–inspires me to compose my incredible tales, essays and (sometimes) poetry…by first sending a draft to you. And all it takes on YOUR part, is no more than the briefest of nods, and I’m off to the races! Thus an AI could handle such replies posthaste and, BEST OF ALL, I wouldn’t know the difference.

Hmm, wait-a-minute…maybe you’ve BEEN using such a bot all along, at least soon after I began my flurry of urgent missives in early November! Which explains the sharp increase of terse comebacks from your end of the line. Ha-ha, very good, ya got me there. In sum:

Never mind. :)

  • Zeke

Re: You need a Zeke-Response Bot, Tara!
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: Tara Roosevelt
Date: November 7, 2021 1:03 PM

I’m doing the best I can. The truth is that I’m under huge pressure on several different fronts. My survival is at stake, and that’s not an exaggeration. I’m no Lady of Leisure up here, serene, cloistered and financially secure. The details are unimportant. You just gotta take my word for it. When you get a short answer from me, you can be assured that I’ve actually read the message…

Oh, I was just playing with ya, Tara…didn’t at all expect a serious reply back. I was hoping for some kind of hilarious retort. SO sorry to hear about your present, and horrid, crisis! Obviously, I cannot provide you with a monetary boost, though I wish I could. Unless some financial kickback soon arrives by some unexpected miracle, such as a publishing company crawling all over me, to make a lucrative contract for my Brindlekin Tales. Then again, maybe cash is not what is needed for your present demise. No details asked, just my prayers of a benevolent outcome in your direction. ASAP

I’m actually having a serious emergency myself, right now…and will post it to you within minutes. The heading will include “URGENT” in all caps.

  • Zeke

Re: You need a Zeke-Response Bot, Tara!
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: Tara Roosevelt
Date: November 8, 2021 10:41 AM

Money is a component, but not the sole one. My only way out of this situation is through hard, inspired work. No hope of that unless I get plenty of good sleep. Sort of a Catch-22.

Hard, inspired work is right up your alley, Tara…so that’s not the real problem, I’m guessing. Which leaves us with the sleep issue. Which I find unusual, as you seem to be fine with listening to those “Sleep With Me” videos, and then you’re off to dreamland. Something else is disrupting your sleep, which I hope you can discover and resolve…or if you already know its source, that you can resolve ASAP. I don’t think there’s anything I can do for you, except stop posting for awhile, so you may focus on your writing. But if there IS something that you think I can do, just say the word!


Re: You need a Zeke-Response Bot, Tara!
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: Tara Roosevelt
Date: November 8, 2021 10:49 AM

No need to stop posting. My sleep has improved hugely, thanks to SWM; I’d have been a jibbering basket case without him. But it’s still a struggle. If I’m even slightly sleep-deprived–and I need a solid nine hours at the very least–then I’m defeated, weary, ill, disgusted and useless.

I don’t envy such a level of sensitivity to one’s sleep needs! That truly sucks. I have no idea who SWM is, except “single white male.” :D

Oh, wait, you mean the “Sleep with Me” podcasts…great stuff! Great fluffy stuff, that is!


Re: You need a Zeke-Response Bot, Tara!
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: Tara Roosevelt
Date: November 8, 2021 12:16 PM

Yes, it’s a curse. I know people who can roll out of bed after six hours and be all chipper and bushy-tailed. Not me, alas. So sleep is, for me, the foundation of anything and everything I hope to be or accomplish. Only oxygen is more important.

I’ve suffered decades of harsh insomnia, but it wasn’t anywhere as near as much of a problem for someone who needed to work for a living. Having these doggies around has made my mornings chipper; I have no choice but to hop out of bed by 7:30 AM so they can go poop! And they are always such joyful little angels to wake up to. However, I do not have the usual comfort of sleeping in my cot which, though wider than standard (for cots), it’s narrower than even a twin-size bed…plus I gotta share it now with two pups! Surprisingly, I’m adapting well, despite having only a slice of the cot for myself.

I’m sure you’ve tried everything under the sun, including Sominex, so I won’t bother to try to play the helping angel. May this bizarre power that has only recently come to me, grant you a most excellent sleep each and every day, from now on!

  • Zeke

Re: You need a Zeke-Response Bot, Tara!
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: Tara Roosevelt
Date: November 8, 2021 12:51 PM

My goal has been to sleep drug-free, which I’ve accomplished (about 98% of the time), thanks to the podcast and CBD. So sometimes I wind up underslept because I don’t want to take a pill. But your powers may already be coming through on my behalf: Slept a solid nine-plus hours last night. Raveled sleeve of care knit up, etc.

Many good folks have informed me that they just love curling up in bed with my novel, “Free Me From This Bond,” because it puts them to sleep in the shake of a lamb’s tail! Have you tried that yet? I’m here for you, no matter what! No doubt as I rise to fame, my archrivals shall erect large billboards, and purchase whole newspaper and magazine pages, radio and TV blurbs, and computer virus versions of Internet pop-ups and memes that declare:

EZEKIEL J. KRAHLIN’S TALES (ANY ONE OF THEM, TAKE YOUR PICK): EVERYMAN’S CURE FOR INSOMNIA!

  • Zeke

Re: You need a Zeke-Response Bot, Tara!
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: Tara Roosevelt
Date: November 8, 2021 3:35 PM

Your writing is the opposite of sleep-inducing! It’s verbal No-Doz!

Aha, so I have something in common with one of my favorite comic book characters:

https://www.gocomics.com/toomuchcoffeeman

Well, you’ll be excited to know that my next chapter (21) of Brindlekin Tales will be about where I live, and called “This is My Room, God Help Me.” I’ve already uploaded a brief video tour, which you can watch here:

Be sure to read the accompanying blurb below it.

The chapter itself will include 15 pics, along with the video, with lengthy descriptions of select items shown in each photo, and the history behind some of them. I will structure my SRO tale such that it will be perfectly readable withOUT having to actually view the pictures or the video. (Keeping Marshall in mind, here.) Barring any unforeseen drama (a.k.a. “Deek”) I should complete this chapter later in the day, or perhaps tomorrow. I think it will be a valuable aspect of my history as a struggling author and philosopher…that admirers may see my humble living/workspace before I conquer the planet, along with the solar system and our galaxy plus 18 neighboring ones, as well as a plethora of yet undiscovered, wandering, vagrant black holes.

  • Zeke

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