The Eviction Fiasco (part 13)

[BRINDLEKIN TALES – Book 6: Chapter 4]

Subject: So maybe it WAS Ablahblah’s attorney…
From: Ezekiel Krahlin
To: My Dear Wattson
Date: June 29, 2022 at 9:27 PM

…who delivered the summons, instead of the landlord…in which case I was wrong about their attorney being female. THIS IS GETTING CONFUSING! His apologetic demeanor implied he fucked up royally, and would prefer NOT to be reprimanded (or worse: disbarred) once more! Sure, we can work things out, no problem.

How satisfying it will be when the gossipy queens of Hotel California North realize I WON’T be evicted, after all. And if Kevin remains manager, I’m sure our relationship will be QUITE different than it’s been all these tiresome years. I can’t WAIT to read Ms. Elvensborn’s next report, which I hope will be some time tomorrow! Now, for a Deek update:

He dropped by for around three hours, camped out by the ATMs with, it seems, a “new” girlfriend, Alisa. She’s quite friendly, nicely garbed, greeted me kindly, and LOVES the pups. This is good, because she’ll help with scouting for blankets/coats/whatever to keep them warm at night…and encourage him to be kinder to them in other ways. We had an excellent conversation, and I mean all three of us, not just myself and Alisa.

All was quiet while they smoked a fat blunt and shot the bull, you wouldn’t even know they were there unless you stepped outside to see them with your own peepers. I had some quality time with the hounds, seated there on the sidewalk and holding them close to me, with kind words, hugs, kisses and belly rubs aplenty…while Deek sorted through his cart in preparation for their departure.

I’m lovin’ the bejesus outta my new Chromebook! Linux is fully integrated with ChromeOS, so I don’t have to reboot whenever I want to switch from one system to another. I prefer to run the Linux version of Firefox, because its add-ons allow me to do things that the Android app version won’t, such as download Youtube videos and web pages.

As you probably know already, most of Chromebook’s programs are actually Android apps you download from the Google Playstore. There are SOME applications you can install from the Chromebook web store, but it does NOT include Firefox. And the Android version is limited in its capabilities, since it doesn’t allow any add-ons. I need to download web pages, since that is what I do for each blog entry I complete, in order to back up all my tales to an external drive. Then I also back them up online to Google Drive. I ended my subscription with Idrive cloud backup, to save money. I don’t need it anyway, as Gdrive suits my needs quite well, and it’s only $1.99/mo. for 100 GB storage. And just $2.99 for double that, when the day comes I’ll need more capacity.

There are OTHER programs that run in Linux, that serve me better than ChromeOS/Android’s own versions…and some that Chrome doesn’t even offer, such as a program that converts .mp4 videos to .mp3 audio files. Which I need to add more rap songs to Deek’s ever-growing collection. I get them all by searching for ’em on Youtube, then download them as videos. But since video files are much larger than plain audio, I convert them all to mp3’s, so a lot more will fit on Deek’s smartphones that he uses almost exclusively as mp3 players.

I still had enough money left over (after deducting this month’s rent, which I will put into escrow starting in July, if I have to, and which service Bay Area Legal Aid provides gratis) to purchase a new wireless keyboard w/touchpad. It’s the same model I’ve been using for almost four years, but this old one is wearing out. They’re Logitech brand, which makes excellent peripheral devices. The old keyboard I’ll use on my Chromebook, because it’s easier than typing on the laptop keys, since it’s on an an elevated riser at sternum level. Also, sometimes I’ll watch videos on the Chromebook from my bed, so a remote keyboard comes in handy for that. I COULD have just used one keyboard for both laptops, but it’s a hassle switching the dongle back and forth.

There IS a full-size Bluetooth keyboard specifically made for the Chromebook, but dammit it does NOT have a touchpad! I don’t like using a mouse separate from a keyboard, especially if I’m lounging in my cot.

Upon Deek’s departure, he thanked me immensely for my friendship, and *I* thanked him for hangin’ in there so bravely through this nightmarish ordeal. He said he wishes I could bring the dogs inside again, because he misses being able to take breaks riding his bike around the city. I bit my tongue over that, because the more IMPORTANT issue is providing the doggies with indoor shelter half the time. Otherwise being on the streets 24/7 is gonna wear them down to the point of sickness and death before they’ve even lived half their allotted lifetimes.

But I’m optimistic that they SHALL have that sanctuary once more, and soon. Not sure HOW it will manifest, though I believe it will. Otherwise my victory over this eviction fiasco will be mournfully Pyrrhic.

– Zeke K-Holmes

Click here for a larger view.

Subject: Amazon’s Empty Box Delivery
From: Ezekiel Krahlin
To: My Dear Wattson
Date: June 30, 2022 at 1:12 PM

On my stroll back from Rosenberg’s this morning, coffee in hand, I stepped into the lobby to discover a few packages on the floor, with the USPS postman still present. The first package I picked up to see if it was for me, was already torn open and empty! Then I looked at the label to discover that, sure enough, it was addressed to yours truly. How stupidly ironic, eh, Wattson? The postal worker then spoke up:

“Sorry, it came to our office like that…empty!”

Sure enough, I saw their red-lettered stamp indicating such, so I replied:

“Not your fault, and it has the bar code on it, so I’ll work it out with Amazon.” With that, I wished him a good day and carried the empty box upstairs. (The two other boxes present were for other residents, and appeared intact…lucky them.)

There was no notice in my Gmail from Amazon, indicating “package delivered, how did we do,” so I checked my Amazon order list, which showed five items I ordered were delivered today. But there was no option to tell them about the open box minus any contents therein! Here is what was SUPPOSED to have arrived:

– 60 disposable razor blades
– 2 pair shoelaces
– 5 32-GB micro SDHC flash memory cards
– 1 128-GB micro SDHC flash memory card
– 1 carton of 12 cans dog food

The box, while smallish, is still large enough to have fit the carton of dog food AND everything else.

Amazon makes it very difficult to report such failures, so I still have no idea what to do next. Their help pages are NO help at all. Guess I’ll have to post my problem to Reddit’s Amazon sub. NOT appreciated, as it’s yet another distraction and time-waster that slows down my writing and other obligations. I’ll probably have to jump through hoops over the next several or more days, and STILL not find a resolution!

– Zeke K-Holmes

P.S.: I just posted my problem to Reddit’s Amazon sub, including a photo of the box, label side up (with my name and address blacked out of course), and I got the following response: “Sorry, this post has been removed by the moderators of r/amazon. Moderators remove posts from feeds for a variety of reasons, including keeping communities safe, civil, and true to their purpose.” How fukked up is that?

Re: Amazon’s Empty Box Delivery
From: Ezekiel Krahlin
To: My Dear Wattson
Date: June 30, 2022 at 2:55 PM

> And the theft must have occurred within the Amazon system.

Right. So I logged onto their Customer Service page, and there was no option to report all items missing from a single package. Instead, I had to go through each item, as if delivered in its own box…and no option for a refund or replacement, only for a “return.” How can I return something I’ve never received?

But I went through the tedious process anyway, which allowed me to post an explanation, wherein for each item I said four more products were supposed to be in that box, as well. This was in their chat support mode, and so far they said they’ll ship another carton of dog food and that 128 GB microchip, to arrive tomorrow. My report on the three OTHER missing items is somewhere in Amazon Limbo, no idea whether or not they’ll deliver replacements.

They actually have an 800 number for customer support, but I can’t imagine the tangled branches of their phone tree I’d have to scramble through before I get to whatever representative who can actually straighten things out, if at all! So I opted for chat, and that is that. Maybe an angel will come to bat, or a dog or a horse or even a cat…meow!

– Zeke K-Holmes

Re: Amazon’s Empty Box Delivery UPDATE
From: Ezekiel Krahlin
To: My Dear Wattson
Date: June 30, 2022 at 4:30 PM

The shoelaces, razor blades and five 32-GB chips just showed up, each in its own little packet! So THAT’S resolved, and I guess the violated carton only contained the case of dog food and the 128-GB chip, which replacements SHOULD arrive some time tomorrow. The chip, BTW, will provide expanded storage for my Chromebook. I need to take a nap, capitalism exhausts me!

– Zeke K-Holmes

A Birthday Greeting from Ubuntu (7/1/22)

My underground cyberspace name is Pewterbot9, FYI.

Subject: I know I’m jumping the gun here, but…
From: Ezekiel Krahlin
To: My Dear Wattson
Date: July 1, 2022 at 11:40 PM

…it seems clear to me the extraordinary victory I’ve yearned and prayed for is about to come true! So I went ahead and told Filipino Kai and Boulevard Joe the good news, as they sat on the sidewalk beside a dilapidated and partly torn, green and black dome tent on Noe Street (it was 8:30 AM, last Monday):

“I AM YOUR LIBERATOR, because I have listened to you, have fought for you both in the courts and in the commons! I have a hot-shot attorney who shall turn the tables against my landlord, the money will come rolling in, my books shall be published and bring in TRILLIONS, and I shall set up a foundation to house ALL the homeless. And that’s just the beginning of a new, and better, world for everyone. For I shall become the richest person on the planet, and MAKE those changes happen.”

Ha ha, just kidding. Though it DOES echo back to my “Parable of the Laptop Billionaire” that I wrote more than a decade ago.

What I REALLY told them was considerably toned down from the satirical paragraph above. I DID inform them about the happy development of my eviction imbroglio, which will open the door to getting my copious writings published…money will flow. And how THAT will lead to setting up a foundation dedicated to housing all our homeless. And I couldn’t have done it without them, for in a way they HAVE created me because I really DID listen, and devoted my life and talents to the egregious issue of LGBT homelessness.

I have honored them in my tales, treated them with integrity, and given the queer houseless a voice to the world that they wouldn’t otherwise have. All this I said, and more, including:

“I will soon be a hero to the world, but NO one becomes a hero without many OTHER heroes supporting them and cheering them along. They are unSUNG heroes, for whom I SHALL sing when the time comes…and it is close. And that includes YOU, Kai, and YOU, Joe! I couldn’t have gotten to this amazing point in my life without your kindness and inspiration over the years. And I am NOT an island unto myself, but part of a spiritual revolution for ALL human beings. So as I rise to global recognition, so shall you both–and ALL the homeless in fact–be elevated as well!”

And there ya go, Wattson. If you don’t think I didn’t make their day with my impromptu speech, you must be livin’ under a rock!

My attorney is incorrect that it is illegal to record someone without their consent, in California. Besides in public spaces, there are the following exceptions:

It IS legal for me to record people in my building, so long as they’re in the hallway, on the stairs, or at my door…and I’m not eavesdropping on other people’s conversation, AND I am participating IN that conversation.

Even in my room, AAMOF. So long as there isn’t an expectation of privacy (such as in a bathroom or bedroom) and/or I believe I am under threat. That second point certainly applies to my situation. California law:

1. The person recording must be a part of the conversation, this essentially changes California law from an all-party consent state into a single-party consent state.

2. They must be recording conversations in order to gather evidence that the other party committed one of the following crime: Extortion, kidnapping, bribery, harassing phone calls, or any felony involving violence against another person. This allows you to record conversations in most instances where you feel threatened.

I will therefore CONTINUE to record anyone who comes to my door, for I AM under threat, and I have every right to protect myself any way I can, not the least of which is using my Chromebook for a security camera. (LOVE my Chromebook, BTW.)

I also find it fishy that in one email Ms. Elvensborn clearly said the landlord himself must deliver the summons in person, quote:

“The landlord has to personally serve you with the attached summons and complaint and then the 5 court days will start to tick to respond.”

But when I pointed that out, she apologized for the confusion and explained that he can’t deliver it in person because he’s part of the lawsuit, so has to have someone representing him deliver it, most likely his lawyer.

At any rate, Wattson, I have NO intention of correcting her in either of these matters, I’ll keep it to myself. For I am nonetheless confident of her legal skills, and the charges against me are so weak anyway, even an ambulance chaser could win the case on my behalf. That is: if he or she is at LEAST half awake and not blindfolded!

The timing of my imminent rise to fame (and the noble purpose WHY) is in perfect alignment with the rapid crumbling of our democracy and the rise of fascism with immediate threat to manifest another holocaust, this time focusing on LGBTs…preceded by an anti-abortion dress rehearsal. This is a SCRIPT, Wattson, invented by bodhisattva guardians who have chosen moi to be the hero, the shining star, the apex of monkeyhood. As Jackie Gleason in The Honeymooners loved to say:


I KNOW my grandiose spiel to Joe and Kai would make most folks view me as totally bonkers, if they overheard it: a lonely old toothless faggot hopelessly immersed in his delirious whirlpool of daydreams…his desperate clawing for an astounding achievement to be remembered for centuries in the annals of human history (if not forever) before his golden years deteriorate into crippled imbecility and an ignoble death in the gutters on a stormy day so flush with rain my corspe’ll be floating down Market Street all the way to the Embarcadero and into the bay.

But that’s a big PART of what makes this incredible, real-life tour de force so much FUN…that most everyone thinks I’m crazy! For I shall TRULY have the last laugh…and all my teeth and hair grown back, as well. My conclusion:

I’m livin’ a fukkin fairy tale!

– Zeke K-Holmes

Subject: I just found a Macbook Pro in the garbage bin!
From: Ezekiel Krahlin
To: My Dear Wattson
Date: July 2, 2022 at 11:45 AM

Last night when I went to the back porch to toss some empty containers into the blue bin, upon opening the lid I espied a Macbook resting atop a small pile of blankets! Most likely, someone tossed the blankets and laptop into the bin when it was still sitting outside. Don’t know WHY the manager didn’t remove those items, as they are NOT on California’s recycle list, and Ablahblah Realty could get penalized as a result.

Now, I’m not one to praise Apple products (because they’re elitist schlock), but I figure if it works I can install Linux on it. So, after removing it from the bin, I used a long stick to rummage about to see if the AC adapter were also there. Alas, it was not.

I took the laptop hovel anyway, and searched Amazon for the proper charger: less than $20 from third-party sellers. Then it occurred to me I ofen SEE those white, square-block-shaped chargers in Deek’s shopping cart! Of course, not having a crystal ball, I never bothered to ask him for one. But I will, soon.

Though he’ll most likely demand payment for it, which I will reFUSE, in light of all the incredible help I give him and the pups, and the wad of money I spend on them each month. I’ll just remind him it was my birthday yesterday, and that could be my gift. However, the charger needs to be 60 watts…and while they all look the same, they DO vary in their power output.

I don’t even know if this Macbook works, as it won’t turn on when I press the power button. After all, the battery could be DEAD and not just in need of a recharge. However, it LOOKS to be in excellent condition, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed. In one pic you can see all the sundry ports along the left edge, and on the other side, just one USB-C port plus a wide, skinny slot that is obviously for inserting media discs!

The tiny engraved label on the back and along the hinge, says it’s an A1278 model, which was released back in 2011, according to Wikipedia’s Macbook history page.

Its original RAM capacity was 4 GB, but could be upgraded to double that. I won’t know if it’s been upgraded until I acquire a charger and boot it up…IF it still works in the first place. It’s surprisingly hefty BTW, at 5.6 pounds: an impressively SOLID device, like it was built to survive Armageddon. (Now that it’s in my own hands, I’m sure it will!)

I have no idea whether or not I can bypass the security check, such as username and password, in order to actually USE it, but instructions for installing Linux suggest you can. Unless you want to DUAL boot the system, which is a horse of a different color, and not something I care about.

“OUT, damned Apple spot, I say!”

– Zeke K-Holmes

Re: I just found a Macbook Pro in the garbage bin!
From: Ezekiel Krahlin
To: My Dear Wattson
Date: July 2, 2022 at 12:38 PM

> Extraordinary what people throw away!

Including babies…there should be more of that, and less of the other.

> Or maybe it’s the premise for a sci-fi flick. Man finds laptop in trash, world is never the same…

Knowing the weirdness my life has become, that is HIGHLY possible. But I REALLY don’t want Apple, Inc. to get any of the credit.

> Belated birthday wishes.

Thanks! I don’t feel any older today, than I did the day before.

> You’ve accomplished so much this last year. I’m seriously impressed.

A kindly euphemism for all the CRAP I’ve been going through. :D

– Zeke K-Holmes

Re: I know I’m jumping the gun here, but…
From: Ezekiel Krahlin
To: My Dear Wattson
Date: July 2, 2022 at 12:45 PM

> I recall the guy who served you the papers saying, in the video, “Have your lawyer call me.” That didn’t sound like something a process server would say. I find that a little mysterious.

Right, it would either be the landlord or his attorney. At any rate he did NOT state his name, and the papers served appear to be photocopies slapped together in a hurry, with page one a slanted output. No envelope, just a single staple in the upper left corner. Not only is this a sloppy presentation, but hints at this entire eviction scenario being nothing more than my bodhisattva angels having fun at my expense…an initiation if you will, a prelude to my skyrocket blast to fame.

> Teeth and hair regrown!!! I wonder if it will be gradual, or if you’ll just wake up one morning and there will be your pearly choppers and crowning glory, full-blown!

I’m sure the latter, as I’ve had many visions of just that, over the past thirty years or so. Of course I thought it was wishful thinking, but considering the amazing scenarios now occurring in my world, they may indeed be LITERAL precognition.

I’ll wake up one morning, and voila! Along with new hair and teeth will be ADDITIONAL rejuvenation, that is: I will be young again. Minus what maladies I suffered the first time around, such as SEVERE cystic acne that deformed my face through my twenties and early thirties. But it gave me much inner strength and kept me humble, so I’m NOT begrudging the ordeal. I was MOST pleasing on the eyes before the devil ripped his claws through my cheeks at 16 years of age…and continued to do so now and then for almost a decade.

I’m expressing all this metaphorically, mind you. The devil does not exist, but is a convenient handle to describe the force behind a tragic event…or most anything else that causes one great dismay, grief or anxiety. For they are nothing more than harsh lessons or challenges to make us into better selves than we already are. There’s my Bodhisattva Premise again, Wattson! Nonetheless:

My claim as to my destiny is beyond extraordinary, and I don’t blame anyone for labeling me mad as a hatter. But that’s my story, and I’m stickin’ to it! Care for a second spot of tea, Alice?

– Zeke K-Holmes

Re: I know I’m jumping the gun here, but… ADDENDUM
From: Ezekiel Krahlin
To: My Dear Wattson
Date: July 2, 2022 at 3:24 PM

I find it amusing that, shortly after referring to my sci-fi bon mot, “The Parable of the Laptop Billionaire,” a Macbook Pro should appear before me for the taking. (I kinda sense a Holy Grail story in all this.) And yes, I bit the Apple bullet barely an hour ago, and purchased the correct AC adapter for that model…rather than deal with Deek’s anticipated money-grubbing bullshit and concomitant convolutions over finding me the right accessory. Even better:

It’s due to arrive tomorrow, thanks to Amazon Prime’s quick delivery! So we shall soon know if the device actually functions. But if it does not, I can return the charger for a full refund. Can’t ask for a better deal than that!

Oh, I should also tell you that replacement items from the empty-box delivery arrived earlier today. I suspect I have a bodhisattva ally or two currently employed in an Amazon warehouse. Maybe even one or two in EVERY warehouse! I can easily imagine my name up in lights at each location:

“Serve Zeke Krahlin FIRST! Everyone’s life depends on it!”

Do I have a big fat ego or what, good doctor?

Didn’t Ursula Le Guin write a similar tale about a protagonist who discovers his mind is shaping reality, in her novel, “The Lathe of Heaven?” In case you’re not familiar with it, here’s a synopsis.

Because if this shit is true in my case, I have already described how my image will appear on all visual communication media one startling day, and I shall address the entire planet at the same moment. Though it will not REALLY be yours truly, but my digital algorithm, the Mighty Mouse Virus, as told in my tale, “Security Matters & Anti-Matters.”

– Zeke K-Holmes

Doomed prophet Cassandra
Click here for a larger view.

Subject: The worst possible outcome for my prophetic delirium…
From: Ezekiel Krahlin
To: My Dear Wattson
Date: July 3, 2022 at 1:05 PM

…is that none of my visions of an LGBT nation, my own rise to global power, morphing into a youthful form again and so forth are anything but a metaphorical pipe dream; but which STRONG belief IN these visions grants me high motivation to strive ahead to achieve my worthy goals to the greatest extent possible. IOW:

WithOUT such dreams I’d’ve become a miserable, reclusive and pathetic old coot. As well as probably homeless and/or committed to a mental institution. So then one must ask:

Wherein lies my happiness, my sense of purpose?

Obviously the former. And which PROMISING life path gives weighty support to the validity of my augural prognosis. For like a magnetic needle on a compass that persistently points northward towards my happy fate…whenever I would deviate in some OTHER direction, the needle faithfully indicates I’ve been derailed, and should be corrected ASAP. For example:

Even in my salad days, whenever I somehow managed to LAND a job, I wound up being driven away like a leper, via one surprise crisis or another…and forced to collect whatever temporary gov’t handout I was eligible for, to keep from being rudely dumped onto the streets. Until one fine day I discovered that declaring myself mentally disabled (by proxy of a compassionate psychiatrist) would bless me with the boon of ATD (Aid for the Totally Disabled), now called SSI (Supplemental Security Income)!

Not that I didn’t attempt to get OFF the subsidy now and then, by flinging myself onto the Sword of Commerce, but it always pushed me away and back onto SSI. Eventually, I accepted that fate and came to realize I’m a bird of a different feather, and should dedicate my life to penning tales and advocating for our LGBT homeless.

While these chimeras haunt my cranium like benevolent ghosts, whose seductive promises of an extraordinary future tempt me like the sirens of Ulysses, there shall BE neither dashing of my ship upon the rocks, nor my washing ashore onto a bleak island of man-eating cyclopes. (Though I nonetheless wouldn’t MIND being quite the hottie he appears to be, in Léon Belly’s painting of “Ulysses and the Sirens”…see pic.)

Nor will my noble labors be fruitless, like Icarus, whose wings melted when he flew too near the sun. For if indeed my wings DO dissolve away, I will have nonetheless ALREADY accomplished countless good works…and whether or not I am recognized and remembered for them, is irrelevant.

I’d say I’m more like the great prophet, Cassandra, who broke her promise to Apollo, who GAVE her the gift of foresight in the first place. She was thus cursed by the same god, that no one would take her predictions seriously. The similarity I claim lies NOT in her spurning a son of Zeus, but in most everyone regarding me as a fool cloaked in false visions. I, myself, always questioned such astounding notions about my own future, and that of the world. Writing them off as products of nothing more than a vibrant imagination, I began typing them out as intriguing tales, often with a gay spin to them.

And that is the WORST possible outcome of my wildly hubristic (albeit lofty) aspirations. Anything ELSE that may occur as a result of my Herculean efforts will only be BETTER: frosting on the cake if you will. How thin or THICK le glaçage remains to be seen, though one thing IS guaranteed:

Even just a minuscule DAB on the tongue will be a burst of delight for the taste buds of anyone lucky enough to enjoy the sample.

– Zeke K-Holmes

Re: [MCN-Announce]- The babble and insanity of Claybrain’s Life!
From: Ezekiel Krahlin
To: MCN announce
Date: July 4, 2022 at 5:19 PM

On Wed, 29 Jun 2022 13:30:58 -0700 Ron CHRISTO-FASCIST LUNATIC Claybrains squoinked:

> You don’t need a religion, Zeke. You need a RELATIONSHIP with Jesus Christ. I’m not condemning you. You are already condemned John 3:17. That’s where I come in. I would be pleased to lead you to the saving Grace of Jesus Christ! For that I was called! To that I will be true.

Go fuck yourself, you dizzy Jebus drama queen. You have JUST affirmed my suspicions that you’re aligned with the pro-Trump, Christo-fascist goons. You are PROSELYTIZING your religious beliefs on a secular mailing list. Like the rest of those right-wing troglodytes, you are an ARROGANT IDIOT.

And yes, you ARE condemning me with religious HUBRIS. But in the grander scheme of things you are condemning no one but your own shitty self. You shall reap what you sow, and it’s not a pretty picture, you phony jackass. Furthermore:

I DO have a relationship with Jebus…a very loving, GAY relationship, and I get to boink the daylights out of his fine, round, firm, Semitic ass every Sunday, his day of rest. Then I get to shove my rigid Rod of Aaron up his daddy’s tight rump as well, because it’s HIS day of rest, too. IT’S A 3-WAY! Like the trinity: father, son and holy ghost.

Only I refuse to shag ghosts because they don’t put any FEELING into it. Worst blow jobs ever, I should add. The holy ghost is so delicate in applying fellatio I can’t even FEEL its lips around my throbbing, rock-hard shaft, so I have NO choice but to take the matter into my OWN hand. (The right one, if you’re curious…even though with everything else, I’m a lefty. The more you know.) Woo-hoo!

Subject: Me, Myself & I
From: Ezekiel Krahlin
To: My Dear Wattson
Date: July 4, 2022 at 11:04 PM

Here are SIX of my authorial signature trademarks that I’ve come up with. There may be more, but I’ll leave that to my readers to figure out the rest, if any:

1) Studious and praiseworthy application of Victorian phrases and perspectives in a cringeworthily satirical manner, such that even Her Royal Majesty the Queen would turn over in her final resting spot which, as all good Britophiles know, is located in the Royal Mausoleum at Frogmore. Why, her own guffaws from reading my farcical pokes at her namesake’s era that could make a stuffed bird laugh*, may be so undulating she’ll resurrect herself into a reborn presence, and start haunting Windsor Castle, Piccadilly Square and the Tube just for jolly good sport! What say YOU, Wattson, old chap?

* “…could make a stuffed bird laugh” was a common phrase in Victorian times.

2) Sporadic orgasmic spurts of lengthy, hilarious paragraphs scattered throughout my extensive body of tales that mimic likely contributions to the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest…which will nonetheless (and ironically enough) cause the entire Bulwer-Lytton franchise to come crashing down with a FLOOD of my said passages suddenly accepted on one, single, dark and stormy night when some devious gremlin (a.k.a. “The Mighty Mouse Virus”) sneaks into their office and frenziedly hacks into their online records, wreaking havoc on their database and glorifying yours truly all in one fell swoop, while I’m somewhere else off in dreamland, never suspecting the excitement I shall wake up to the next morning (and every morning thereafter, ad aeternum) whence I shall discover my teeth, hair and every other aspect of my material self completely rejuvenated into angelic perfection, while my phone is ringing off the hook (so to speak) and I haven’t even had breakfast yet, which, as it turns out, will be delivered to my residence a few minutes later with a light knock on my door and the visage of a sweet, sweet hunk of a man/boy balancing a hefty silver tray upon one raised palm, and a small bottle of lemon scented lube and two Trojans in the other, upon which I realize I don’t even need to don my robe (I am THAT perfectly endowed in every way, unlike the night before), so invite him from where I lay upon a faux-zebra-pelt comforter (under cover of which also rest Flaco & Lucky in glorious repose) on a rotating, heart-shape bed inspired by the MS-DOS computer animated adventure game from the late-eighties called “Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards,” and which I only played several times (as I’m not much of a gamer and can only get through each level with a cheat sheet at hand or sometimes “god mode” should that be an option), though it left a lasting impression on my spongy frontal lobe, I guess because I have a penchant for outrageous cyber-schlock.

3) Creating famous quotes before their time, with the foreknowledge I will one day be spectacularly POPULAR. Such as:

– “Burn flags, not fags.”

– “For every grave a laptop.”

– “There are no heteros in foxholes.”

– “That’s just the way the cookie planet crumbles.”

– “A government is only as good as its operating system.”

Those five examples hardly scratch the surface, as there are already a plethora of quotable phrases out there in cyberspace, that I’ve composed in anticipation of my global fame.

A secondary result of which is (after the growing accumulation of my writings over the years): I’ve begun quoting myself more and more often, because there is no one else out there with the answers to my uniquely Zeke-specific queries!

4) Mocking my own perceived extraordinary destiny through some of my fables. For examples:

– “The Future Belongs to MOI:” about my own spectacular fame that leaves an indelible stamp on a distant future long after my expiration…while hinting that I have NOT died at all, but live on in hidden ways per my own invention.

– “Zeke’s Last Supper:” a sci-fi spoof where I travel to the past to find out if Jesus ever existed, only to discover I may have BEEN the savior myself…though it looks like I have a lot of competition in that department via tourists from the far-flung future, including extraterrestrial visitors, who get to play Jehovah’s One and Only Son as well…it’s part of the tour package.

– “Saint Eugene and the Abundant Well:” where I play the town fool in a remote desert village during a severe drought, who turns out to be the only kind, smart person among the entire populace, all of whom are greedy mofos except for HIM! And he winds up owning ALL their sorry souls, along with the entire village.

-And one fantasy I have yet to write down because it just occurred to me this morning (but I will do so RIGHT NOW):

An annual “Zekefest” parade where I will walk at the head of the march and grab and kiss firmly on the lips, any male onlooker I find gorgeous enough to be worthy of my erection. Depending on my mood that day, and whether or not I’ve had my first cup of java, I may or may not kiss ANY of them…or kiss ’em all if I just smoked some righteous ganja.

4) Heavy use of Jungian archetypes. Almost ALL my tales employ Carl Jung’s archetypal icons and theories. His teachings on this matter have so impressed me, and even given me the keys to my own salvation, I am indebted forever to this incredible, benevolent, intelligent and deeply perceptive human being. I have since come to learn that the great author, Hermann Hesse, became one of Jung’s most devoted disciples, and whose writings are also strongly influenced by the respected psychoanalyst’s ideas.

5) Heavy use of mythological references and images, especially from classical Greek, Buddhist, Hindu and Catholic lore…though ALSO from other cultural sources, such as Celtic and Native American. Not to mention our own pop culture. This ties in closely with Jungian archetypes. All serve a purpose to guide my readers towards a better way of thinking and living one’s life for others as well as for one’s own self…there really IS no separation.

6) The vastly MAJOR compendium of my tales, essays, etc. are definitely, provocatively and unabashedly GAY.

– Zeke K-Holmes

Click here for a larger view.

Subject: The fool got another dog.
From: Ezekiel Krahlin
To: My Dear Wattson
Date: July 5, 2022 at 6:58 PM

Crappy photo, but at least you can see the dog: a pedigree, silver pit bull, father of the one he had before, but got rid of…NOT NEUTERED! Very sweet natured and all that, the dogs get along, but terribly heartbreaking otherwise.

I told Deek he’s making a mistake, it’s sad what he’s done…he just said I’m a sad old man, and upset that I can’t have a dog where I live. Other bullshit, too.

He bragged about saving up all the money I gave him over the weeks, so he could afford the $500 to purchase the dog. Right, MY money to do THIS?

Hopefully, he’ll return that dog back to whomever gave it to him.

Flaco & Lucky were not all full of joy to see me, they’re exhausted and curled up on the large jacket Deek threw down in a corner of the ATM alcove. I ask if they had enough sleep last night; he said it was the firecrackers going off. I believe it, that’s an ordeal for doggies who live outside.

I think I’m being punked, just to tweak my nerves. At least I HOPE that’s the case.

– Zeke K-Holmes

Re: The fool got another dog.
From: Ezekiel Krahlin
To: My Dear Wattson
Date: July 5, 2022 at 8:21 PM

> OH, the fucking, fucking idiot…poor, poor babies.

And there’s NOTHING I can do about it, and I’m afraid he’ll get Flaco pregnant with that BIGGER dog. I don’t think he loves those two sweet doggies any more, wants a NEW dog instead. No wonder my brindlekin don’t look too happy today. I gave them hugs, kisses, kind words, but no joyful response back. Not that they weren’t glad to see me, just no vim and verve. They just wanted to crash out.

Not that he EVER truly loved them, but this is a potential tragedy. He’s NEVER spent any of the money I give on those pooches…just blew it on his own selfish desires, like a costly speaker or smartphone he loses two or three days later.

And now, he goes and spends $500 of my allowance that he saved up over two months, on the WORSE thing he can possibly do, and with absolutely NO concern on how this impacts me, and the two darling pups. I’m disgusted…and I can’t even take Flaco and Lucky off his hands. What a nightmare! Speaking of which:

I emailed my attorney this morning, to check in and affirm that the July 7th deadline is now defunct because she registered a demurrer. She never got back to me, to reassure me that yes, it’s been delayed. AND THE 7TH IS ONLY TWO DAYS FROM NOW! If her demurrer didn’t go through, and if I don’t reply to the summons with a reason for opposing my eviction by the 7th at the latest, my goose is cooked and I’m out on the streets.

I shudder to think that maybe Ablablah Realty paid her off, and she’s gonna leave me in the lurch! If she doesn’t contact me by tomorrow, then what should I do? I have NO idea.

On top of that, I bumped into Karlsen in the hallway a couple of hours ago, and he asked this favor of me:

“If you hear me screaming from my apartment, please call 911.”

Then he rambled on about some Hell’s Angels friends from years ago, something about getting one of their women pregnant, and they’ve been harassing him on and off ever since, and that’s why he moves from one place to another, and they were hangin’ out in front of our building last night, right below his window, and he hung out in front of Walgreens for several hours last night, because a security guard was standing nearby. Blah, blah, blah.

So much for having a new friend in the building…I’m keeping my distance from him for now on. My conclusion:

My bodhisattva guardians are jangling my nerves again, none of this is real…including Deek’s new dog adoption, which I’m sure will end a few days hence by his returning that pit bull to wherever.

He also had another temper tantrum yesterday afternoon, when he summoned me downstairs, showed me a black denim jacket a bit dirty, and asked me to use my portable washing machine to clean it. I raised a hand in objection:

“Oh, no, I’m not gonna be a wash maid for ya on top of everything else, outta the question!”

That’s when he exploded, while the two little doggies sat there looking up at him:

“Hmmph, and you say you’re a FRIEND? [and other stupid retorts I care not to recall.]”

I told him we’ve been through this before, it’s not a real washing machine, doesn’t do denim jackets or pants and other thick clothing, just thin shirts or jackets, underwear, exercise pants and the like. It can’t even do bath towels.

“Regardless,” I added, “I’m NOT interested washing ANYthing for you, and I’ve made that very clear MONTHS ago. I hardly ever use it anyway, and it’s a pain in the ass.”

He then slumped down beside the lamppost, while Flaco & Lucky were resting on the concrete between the ATMs and his cart. He calmed down a minute later, so I asked him if I can place some of the clothing he has piled in the cart, to give the dogs a comfy spot to rest in. I could see sweaters, jackets and blankets all clumped together in that cart STUFFED with such items.

He started screaming again, said get outta my face, go back upstairs, the dogs are fine.

“No they’r not, Deek,” I replied. “You need to be kind to them…I don’t understand why you won’t let them have a cozy spot instead of forcing them to lie down on the dirty sidewalk.”

“Go ahead! Go ahead!” he hollered back, which I thought was permission to take some of those old sweaters and jackets from his cart, for the hounds.

But as I began to do just that, he screamed at me to leave his stuff alone, and get outta his face.

“No, I’m not getting out of your face, Deek,” I calmly objected. “I just want the dogs to be comfortable.”

At that moment a patrol car swerved up to the curb, two cops stepped out (one male, one female) and asked me if I know this guy.

I told him we’ve been friends for years, but he’s bi-polar and sometimes acts this way; he’s really a nice guy. I’m just trying to get him to take better care of his dogs.

During that conversation, Deek quickly gathered his belongings and started to wander off with his cart and the mutts.

The female cop called to him: “Don’t forget your dog food!”

I then spotted the sack I had given him moments earlier, ran up to it and grabbed it by the handles, addressing Deek as he continued to walk away:

“I’ll hold onto it!”

Then I turned back to the cops, and the male said we just wanted to see if everything’s okay. You have a nice evening.

I told him thanks for checking things out, much appreciated.

Jeez! May tomorrow be a better day. This isn’t even my best writing.

– Zeke K-Holmes

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