!!! WARNING. ADULT MATERIAL !!!
If you are underage, or in any way forbidden by your government or religious laws from viewing X-rated subject matter, please do not go there. If, however, you are not restricted by any laws in your geographical location, by all means click on the image above, to read my salty tale.
[ Fugacious Reader: took me a while to blog-post my Valentine’s Day gift to Larkin, but here it is now: ]
Above is the package ensemble, which I planned to present to Larkin in person, at Twin Peaks Tavern. Enclosed in the box is a pair of Valentine’s Day boxer shorts to which I taped individually wrapped caramel candies: 6 on the front and 5 on the back. The box itself was purchased at a USPS depot, intended as a DVD mailer. So he’s gonna think one or two DVDs are enclosed, until he opens it. Also stashed with the shorts were two legal size envelopes, each containing a printout of my two most recent tales: “Standing My Ground” and “Ray Revisited.”
In one of the envelopes (I forget which), I included 12 different Valentine themed Scooby-Doo images. Though I printed out all images on one sheet of paper, I cut out each pic, like individual sticky notes, and stuffed them all into a folded letter before sealing the envelope. So that (I hope), they’d spill out onto his lap.
Now, this pic below shows the other side of the gift bag, and the front of the DVD box which I wrapped in three layers of blue tissue paper, then bound in a pink shoelace. You can see Scooby-Doo clenching a Valentine card between his teeth, with caption above that declares: “Be mine.” Partially covered by the bow, are these words that I printed out and Scotch-taped onto the front:
“I wouldn’t know what heaven is like, if we didn’t meet.”
The ladybug 3-D sticker was an impulse purchase that I glued to the gift bag at the last moment.
And here’s the back of the box, showing another Scooby-Doo Valentine image, and a tiny box of candy in the shape of a heart. I chose the dragon motif, of course, since the dragon is a major theme of my “Larkin Tales.”
As it turned out, I decided to snail-mail him this latest gift…but the box of candy did not fit very well in the 10-1/2 by 13 inch bubble envelope. So I ate the contents myself: the three Russel Stover treats were quite tasty! In addition, I inserted the bag and box seperately, that the bag may lie flat within the shared mailer. There was also a Valentine’s Day card plunked into this bag, in which I wrote:
“I’m nuts about you, Larkin! Please stop being a prick.”
I’m sure that Larkin–upon extracting these three items–reconstituted my original plan to contain the box and card within this bag, that he may enjoy my intended presentation.
I stepped into CVS Pharmacy on the other side of Noe Street, to purchase one item: a can of Rosarita’s Vegetarian Refried Beans. Which I enjoy as an ungarnished dollop alongside my plate of fried brown rice and sauteed, diced veggies (one large onion and two medium size bell peppers–one green, another orange, red or yellow).
While there, I decided to mosey about the aisles and look for something else I might find desirable. Whether food, candy, dry-good or whatever; I had no idea. So I arrived beside the dairy section, just to my left: a rise of shelves entitled “As Seen On TV!”. Sure enough, one particular item stood out that would really be a boon for the microwave.
“Wow! I’d love to have that, it would make preparing one of my favorite dishes a snap!”
Best of all, it was only $3.99!
So I plucked it off the ledge to eye it more closely, and read just how it works. It was the only one of its kind left, so I guess I got lucky. Nonetheless, I sighed and placed it back in its nook…for it was month’s end when I’m down to counting every penny until March’s automatic deposit kicks in.
No sooner did I turn about and march with my lone can of smashed pintos to the automated checkout, than a little birdie chirped in my ear:
“Hey! Get it Zeke! It’s the perfect St. Patrick’s Day gift for Larkin! You can’t not buy it!”
I immediately laughed with gusto, as I realized then, that it is the perfect gift for someone who is Irish in both strands of his DNA.
Yes, no way could I ever leave CVS without claiming the last of a species for my own, to do with as I please! So I snatched the product from its perch and bought it without regard for my own financial sparsity.
So eager was I to share it with you, my e-friends, I rushed hovel and snapped a pic of it, then composed this letter. Rather than bide my time till I post a blog about it a day or two from now.
The photo is revealed in the link below, so as to prevent you from viewing it before you finish reading this email. But once you do, you will appreciate how quintessentially Irish is this gift, as well as hilarious.
I plan to gift wrap it, then seal it in a large envelope along with a St. Patrick’s Day card, and perhaps a new story. Then either present it to Larkin at Twin Peaks Tavern, or snail-mail it several days before March 17th.
No doubt Larkin will get quite a kick out of it too, and actually use it with relish (pun intended).
March 7 – ADDENDUM
I bought you this microwave potato baker as a joke. I have since read customer reviews on this product, and it does not work very well. So read the instructions very carefully, if you really want to use it. It does not do a very good job of baking potatoes in just four minutes. But if you want to try it out, I suggest cutting each potato in four parts first. My hunch is this will do a proper job of it, versus cooking 1-4 whole spuds.
By the way, I stumbled upon this image of a new Hollywood actor who’s the spitting image of my “crazy” friend Darrin: his latest movie is “Cut Bank,” though he’s already famous for his role in “The Hunger Games” and “Empire State.”
PS: Two days ago I saw you pretending to give a BJ to your roommate Zachary. Probably because you saw me approach 17th & Market, and it seems to be your mission to press my buttons. I don’t really care who you hug or have close relations with. Doesn’t bother me in the least. I only regret not being sharp enough to holler through the doorway: “Get a room, you two!”
From late fall till the end of last year, I needed to rest my fingers from so much typing…seeing as I suffer from a mild case of repetitive stress injury. But the stories piled up, so now we must backtrack a bit. Other ‘belated” tales still await my posting. This is a flurry of ten postcards I sent to Larkin during the holiday season. (Some are “homemade,” that is: I took four “Step Into Hyper-Reality” adverts for the latest Spiderman film, and converted them into postcards. Didn’t occur to me till weeks later, that maybe Larkin likes Spiderman almost as much as he does Scooby-Doo…and that is why I intuitively chose it.) All self-explanatory:
Postcard sent November 25th:
Postcard sent November 29th:
Postcard sent December 3rd:
Postcard sent December 6th:
Postcard sent December 9th:
Postcard sent December 12th:
Postcard sent December 15th:
Postcard sent December 18th:
Postcard sent December 21st:
Postcard sent December 24th:
As if my previous Gay Zombie Jesus posts weren’t deleriously psycho enough, I give you “Even More Gay Zombie Jesus.” This piece is a sequel to my post “Gay Zombie Jesus Returns.” Notice that in most cases, inclusion of the tweet immediately prior my own is necessary for the sake of context. 57 incredibly perverted Twitter pranks in all. Maybe you should get stoned on some righteous ganja, first!
Due to image width limitation for this particular WordPress layout, most tweets are truncated at the right margin, so just click for a full version. Sorry for the inconvenience…but I think I’m so witty it’s worth the hassle. Besides, you need to slow down and relax. Dr. Zeke’s orders.
[ Or you can simply click here to view them all at once without the hassle! ]
Most Beloved Larkin,
I will soon save many souls, and bring great deliverance first to sexual minorities across the globe, then to everyone else. This extraordinary claim comes not from delusion, but from a profound miracle of which (for whatever reason that I really cannot grasp) I am the centerpiece. A destiny which has stirred in my heart since the day I was born, that has often made me question my sanity.
Tears of jubilation by every single human on this planet shall be my cup that runneth over for all eternity. And I owe it entirely to you.
For you, My Amazing Dragon, have never flinched in delivering harsh lessons to This Beleaguered Fukup whenever you so deemed necessary. Which purpose accelerated the growth of my spirit into mature realization of my unique place in the universe. I’m sure it broke your heart many times over in doing so…but at the same time I’m also sure that great joy overrode any sorrow you felt, knowing of course the benevolent outcome.
For when so permitted by Universal Mind, you showered me with love, friendship and loyalty. Which gave me strength and inspiration to strive forward. Among your many kind words and gestures, your confession last year some time in May, was the greatest of them all:
“Our friendship, our being brought together, is an incredible godsend!”
You are My Guardian Dragon who has been with me since I was conceived in the womb. And who summoned me to the Hole in the Wall Saloon back in 2006, that we finally meet in the flesh. Of course it took me years to acknowledge such an amazing kismet, resulting in the publication of “Free Me From This Bond.” Now moving on to Book 4, beyond the trilogy that I thought would complete our tale.
Besides the painful challenges you’ve tossed in my path, you’ve created most of the adventures I write about since we met. And for which reason I give you most of the credit: for you are the true author of these chapters, and I am but the recording secretary.
No one is so beautiful in my eye, than Your Sweet Self. In fact, no one else comes even close. The handsome, kind men I have been meeting lately (and who’ve blessed me with great affection and super-hot sex), I conclude are your scouts whom you’ve sent to give me R&R as a reward for my trials you’ve put me through. Perhaps they are escorts you’ve paid well to show me a nice time. Be that as it may:
I still prefer your company over These Glorious Stallions…even if just chatting over a cup of coffee for 20 minutes or so, now and then.
So when my fame rises, I really don’t want to bask alone in the glory. I prefer that you stand by my side through it all, that I may constantly reflect back to you, so the world may know who really is the true hero. Together, we shall forge a new nation, one that is primarily dedicated to the liberation of sexual minorities, and which shall be named “Athenia.”
Your Friend Who Loves You So Dearly,
P.S.: I finally realize that your calling me “your stalker” is but a code term for “your boyfriend.” Thank you so much for your incredible forbearance. That I may fulfill a destiny which harbors only the greatest happiness for all sentient beings on this wobbly little orb called earth.