A Quiet Night at Mission Station

July 25, 2015


If you are underage, or in any way forbidden by your government or religious laws from viewing X-rated subject matter, please do not go there. If, however, you are not restricted by any laws in your geographical location, by all means click on the image above, to read my salty tale.

New Rule

July 24, 2015

Date: Sat, 18 Jul 2015 14:44:09
Re: I’m gonna rock the world soon!
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: Eleanor Cooney

On Sat, Jul 18, 2015 at 1:22 PM, Eleanor Cooney wrote:

{{ Love the postcards. }}

Weren’t they fun?

{{ Also love the no-nonsense exposay of the corrupt medical system. You go! }}

Ya gotta do wotcha gotta do! I had another Larkin breakthrough just
last night, BTW:

Decided to have a drinky-poo or two at Toad Hall, now that I know Larkin sometimes goes there these days. No pool table, so I guess My Delinquent Diplodocus has been 86’d from yet one more gay hootch dive. ‘Cause he /never/ goes to a bar that doesn’t offer billiards! (Except for Twin Peaks Tavern, since their plate glass windows permit a panoramic view of Castro & Market, and thus can spot me when I swing by, and sometimes step out to exchange badinage.)

Passing to the back, where Toad Hall’s open air patio is located, I looked for barkeep Irene. She’s read my book, and is a staunch admirer of my mission. Yep, there she was! As she poured my two vodka tonics, I declared as quickly as possible so as not to cut into her earnings:

“So you know Larkin, eh? He’s the hero of my book, Arwyn Miles. He’s gotten me kicked out of many bars, calling me his stalker. But that’s not true at all. I’m his best friend.”

My drinks were now ready for sweet imbibition, so I politely withdrew into the joyful crowd (thanks to Marriage Equality’s passage) as Irene gave me a goodbye wink and a grin.

I milled about, growing ever more snockered till I found myself at a small table close to the front door. The bar was already quite mobbed, for it was Friday eve and 9:30 PM. Lo and behold, who comes walking up towards me from the patio, but Sloan!

She tends bar down the street at The Mix, and is a good friend to Irene. However, she kicked me out two years ago, as Larkin told her I’m his stalker. She refused to let me speak in my defense, so just before I exited The Mix I proclaimed:

“Maybe I’ll send a letter to the SF Bay Times and tell them what an
asshole you are!”

Since that time, she ignores me whenever our paths cross (which isn’t very often), and I likewise ignore her. Anywayz:

Here she comes right up to me, smiles and extends a hand in kindness. We shake, and I speak:

“I’m sorry Larkin put enmity between us! I never wanted things to go that way.”

“Oh pshaw, no worries,” she replied.

No more words needed to be said, for I was already cognizant that Larkin (and many in the community as well) was simply running me through a gauntlet of adventures, that I may grow wise and happier beyond my craziest dreams. I therefore assumed at this point, that both Irene and Sloan are players in this secret organization that has been guiding me towards leadership (and Larkin) for many years now! As she drifted back outside, I called twice:

“Thank you!”

Now here is what I’m sure is gonna happen next, Ellie:

No bartenders in The Castro will serve Larkin anything, or even let him step foot inside, for now on. Unless /I/ am with him…and he treats me really nice and buys me booze, and introduces me with tremendous respect. In fact, I decided to have a little fun with this new change in my silly world. I’ll send a postcard to each bar, stating:

NEW RULE: Do not allow Larkin Kelsey to enter, or remain in, any gay bar, tavern, saloon or the like, without my company.

In light of recent events, I also expect that surprise party in my honor to go down very soon. And that is when Larkin will “pop the question.” And when Randolph Taylor will return to me. And so on. Guess somehow, some way, you and Mitch will be there too.

– Zeke

Date: Sat, 18 Jul 2015 15:38:24
Re: I’m gonna rock the world soon!
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: Eleanor Cooney

On Sat, Jul 18, 2015 at 3:03 PM, Eleanor Cooney wrote:

{{ Wouldn’t miss it!!! }}

I sure hope not! You’re one of my greatest heroes!

– Zeke

Date: Sun, 19 Jul 2015 12:31:18
Re: Hardy-har-har!
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: Eleanor Cooney

On Sun, Jul 19, 2015 at 12:22 PM, Eleanor Cooney wrote:

{{ Classics, all! }}

I am the boss of everyone now…especially Larkin.

Funny to see Sloan hanging out at Twin Peaks Tavern these past few days. Never seen her there before this week! Same for Irene, but I have yet to see them there together. I guess some are being assigned shifts at TPT.

Things are getting very funny in The Castro. I wouldn’t put it past them (meaning those members of my Blue Rose Militia) to provide yours truly with free drinks at any gay bar I visit…and refuse my tips as well.

I’d bet your life on it.

– Zeke

Date: Sun, 19 Jul 2015 14:42:08
Let this fly like a bird from its cage!
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: My E-frenz

Gay Zombie Jesus Never Quits

July 15, 2015

Don’t know why Gay Zombie Jesus is so compelled to possess This Dismayed Little Soul, but here He is again! The last time He ravaged my world can be witnessed here: “Even More Gay Zombie Jesus.” Notice that in most cases, inclusion of the tweet immediately prior my own is necessary for the sake of context. 47 bastardly blithering bon mots in all.

Due to image width limitation for this particular WordPress layout, these tweets are truncated at the right margin, so just click for a full version. Apologies for this dilemma…but I know I’m so dammed funny that you’ll thank me for it later, when you’re sober.

[ Or you can simply click here to view them all at once without the hassle! ]

Vested Interest

June 27, 2015

I have sent the following postcard to Larkin on June 24th, followed by a letter two days later:

June 26. 2015

Dearest Larkin:

When I said in a recent postcard that you have a vested interest in keeping me healthy, etc., what this refers to is: my last will and testament mentions how badly you’ve treated me, and have kicked me out of the local gay bars (by falsely accusing me of being your stalker) which I planned to use to promote my novel, that could result in my book taking off. Then I could (once the money comes rolling in) open my home for severely disabled LGBT veterans, as well as provide you with high quality health care and other good things.

Whether I become desperately ill or injured, or perish as a result, I have arranged that you, Larkin Kelsey, will be noted to the public as a hostile contribution towards my demise. If such should occur, you will end up being the most hated person in the gay community, since Daniel White. No gay bar (or other queer establishment) will allow you to enter their premises.

With much love and sincerity,

Zeke Krahlin

Happy Father Fucker’s Day

June 20, 2015

I enjoy any holiday–no matter how irrelevant to our friendship–as an excuse to present My Beloved Dragon Guardian (Larkin), with a gift. Seeing as he is obviously the “Daddy” type, I find Father’s Day a most appropriate time to celebrate his presence in my life…though I am 12 years his senior. Has nothing to do with the defunct theory that a boy turns gay due to lack of fatherly attention. He is very tall (6-foot-4), handsome, masculine, and always wants to run the show no matter the situation.

It took me some time to come up with the right gift, but I have recently been reintroduced to that great comedy troupe, The Firesign Theatre. Their inspiration is based on the radio media of the 30’s and 40’s, though they take it to surrealistic heights. Their star rose rapidly in the 60’s and 70’s, though they are still going strong (God bless ’em). So I ordered one of their CD’s from Amazon, entitled “I Think We’re All Bozos on this Bus.”

The CD arrived just five days before the holiday, so I had to do some quick thinking on how to create the total package. So I ambled on down to Walgreens and selected a diminutive pink gift bag, along with a small greeting card (which was blank inside, and displayed a picture on the front of a juicy hamburger with caption “Nice buns!”). Inside I wrote the following words:

“Wishing you the loveliest Father’s Day ever.” And signed it: “Your psycho ex-boyfriend, Zeke.”

I embellished the gift bag with a Scooby-Doo sticker, and did something similar to the front of the card’s envelope. Then I printed out the first two pages of Wikipedia’s article on The Firesign Theatre, and folded it to quarter size, just in case he isn’t familiar with this group.

Don’t know if Firesign Theatre is his cup of tea; nonetheless I think it’s a very nice gift to present to someone I love, who means the universe to me. Then I opened the gift bag and plunked the CD, greeting card and printout into it. The love token was now complete and ready to hand deliver to Larkin at Twin Peaks Tavern, or perhaps elsewhere. But if worse leads to worst, and Father’s Day comes and goes without me seeing him, I’ll simply mail it belatedly.

The statement “Happy Father Fucker’s Day” is in reference to a joke he cracked about two years ago, when I came up to him as he departed Twin Peaks Tavern, and declared:

“You’re the handsomest mother fucker on the planet!”

To which he replied: “I’m not a mother fucker, I’m a father fucker!”

The image with caption I printed out and taped to the gift bag is probably too small for you to clearly discern, so right below is a larger version. I think it’s quite funny, and you probably will too.

Scooby-Doo Porn

June 17, 2015


If you are underage, or in any way forbidden by your government or religious laws from viewing X-rated subject matter, please do not go there. If, however, you are not restricted by any laws in your geographical location, by all means click on the image above, to read my salty tale.

Postcards in May

June 4, 2015

[ Brachiocephalic Reader: this latest salvo of postcards to Larkin were all sent out in the month of May 2015. Seven in all. Just use your browser’s “enlarge page” command for a better read. ]

Sent May 18th:

The following four postcards were mailed on the same date, May 24th (please forgive the typos in the Tweety Bird card):

And these last two postcards were sent on the 31st:

[ Then at the last moment I decided to post him the following letter June 1st. In hopes of shocking him into some sort of sane realization…though my great expectations are pretty much dashed at this point. His housemate Zachary is quite a boring plain-Jane with no talent or bright spirit whatsoever; I am just being facetious. ].

Dear ex-friend Larkin,

You’re just another piece of self-centered Castro Clone shit. Guess you think you had to become like that, in order to fit in. Zachary is such a handsome, intelligent and fun-loving fellow, I’m certainly no match! My apologies for ever intruding in your life; I am just a homely old faggot whose dreams were bigger than his stomach.

Thanks for the ride, though: it’s more than I ever expected in my entire life. Guess I’ll send another salvo of postcards to the gay bars, just for the heck of it. For in truth: all’s fair in love and war and Castro Street tackiness.

Ever hear the term “Pyrrhic victory?” Look it up, ’cause it’s yours.

More sincerely than you could ever imagine,

Ezekiel J. Krahlin


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