Jesus On The Okra Winfree Show

March 17, 2010

Jesus Christ returns to planet earth and, of course, He is invited to a LOT of talk shows…in order for us to understand better, what this man called Jesus is really all about. So it is on the Okra Winfree Show He is asked the question:

“Jesus, what do YOU think was the most important advice YOU ever received in Your lifetime as the Suffering Messiah?”

Jesus deliberates on this a few moments before answering: “Well, Okra, I don’t consider My incarnation as The Messiah among the most relevant of My past-life experiences. Even so, during that existence, I received so many excellent words of wisdom, that I really CAN’T pick a favorite. But I’ll tell you this: I shall never forget the WORST piece of advice ANYONE gave Me, in ANY of My multitudinous lives.

Okra Winfree leans forward in profound curiosity and says: “Okay, Jesus, and what was that?”

Jesus finally answers: “Well, it was during my PRESENT incarnation (as you now see Me), and it came from a psychiatrist who once told Me: ‘Jesus, You can’t save the world.

Okra parries: “THAT revelation must have been quite a SHOCKeroonie to the ol’ ego there, buddy!”

Too-SHAY, Okra,” retorts Jesus, lighting a Camel Light 100 to soothe His jangled nerves, “too-SHAY.

“May-uh KOOL-pah, may-uh KOOL-pah,” Okra chuckles, “It’s ALWAYS fun to play devil’s advocate with You, Jesus.”

Fine with Me, Okra,” grins Our Savior, “as long as YOU don’t mind an occasional DIP in the Lake Of Fire.

“Well, another BURNING question I have…” (audience guffaws before Okra continues) “…regards the HUMAN side of Jesus Christ: Besides tobacco, do you have any OTHER addictions?”

Jesus blushes, and lowers His head. “Yes. One other. Boys. In that way, I’m like My Daddy.

Suddenly, a voice booms out of nowhere:

ALLAH THE OLD ARAB SAYS: I’D WALK A MILE FOR A CAMEL, TWO FOR A SHEEP OR GOAT, AND THREE FOR A BOY. HARDY HAR HAR!

Okra Winfree raises her eyes to the ceiling and, slightly disgruntled, challenges Our Holy Guest: “Can’t you EVER get Your Father to show up in person?”

Jesus shrugs His shoulders. “God knows I’ve been trying, but He seems to take everything like one, big, fat joke. You know, I can’t even get HIM to see ME whenever I want!

“Wait a minute,” Okra grows serious, “You mean to tell me You STILL can’t be with Your Father?”

Well, not quite,” ponders The Son Of Man, “It’s just that He sees ME whenever He wants, but I don’t get to see HIM whenever I want. It’s just not fair.

Okra drops a pensive arm from her chin and says, sadly, “No, Jesus, that isn’t fair at all.”

HEY JESUS, I GOT TWO FRONT-ROW TICKETS TO SEE ‘JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTUD’ TONIGHT…WANNA GO?

Our Man Of The Cross sighs and flips a rude finger to the sky: “F*CK you, Dad, just F*CK you.

OKAY, GUY, BE THAT WAY. I GOT PLENTY OF HOT CHERUBS WHO ARE DYING FOR A DATE WITH BIG DICK!

Okra, in raging fury, jumps onto her chair and waves an angry fist at the ceiling: “God, don’t You think You’re going a little too far? Think of Your Wonderful Son!”

I ALWAYS THINK OF MY SON. LAST NIGHT WHEN I WAS HUMPING LUCIFER, I THOUGHT OF MY SON: OH JESUS, OH JESUS, OH JESUS!

Don’t talk to Him, Okra,” grumbles Jesus, “just don’t talk to Him. It’s the only way you’ll get Him to leave us alone.” Hands shaking, Our Lord attempts to light another cigarette, but drops the match book.

HERE, JESUS, HAVE AN ARCHANGEL. I’M DONE WITH HIM FOR A WHILE. MAYBE HE’LL GET YOU OFF THE RAGGIE.

Out of nowhere appears an incredibly gorgeous dude, adorned in nothing more than a bulging gold spandex loin cloth and these opalescent, feathery white wings stretching across the entire breadth of the stage.

He alights by Jesus, who caresses the firm, smooth butt of the archangel, then grabs His Own Ample Crotch and says:

Okra, I hate to break this off, but as you can see, it’s meant to stay on and be fondled.

And with those words, the archangel’s fat crown pops its head above the loin cloth. (Camera zooms in for a yummy closeup. Audience drools in raptured silence, as a milky substance dribbles from the crown and down the angel’s spear. When the camera regretfully pulls back, this glorious angel tosses His luxurious mane of silver hair, and laughs):

MEET BIG DICK. HAW, HAW!

Then He lifts Jesus up, cradles Him in His massive arms, and looks straight into the camera:

I LOVE MY SON MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE IN THE UNIVERSE. LET’S GO, JESUS, YA GOT A DATE WITH ME, ALWAYS.

They vanish, leaving Okra Winfree and her stunned audience behind, along with a half-empty pack of Camel Light 100s lying on the floor.

And an empty chair.

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The Origin Of Evil

March 15, 2010

Once upon a time–long long before Adam & Steve were created–Jehovah realized that the universe could never be complete without something called “evil”. He tried to explain this to the Host of Angels (his only companions at that early time; though numbering in the hundreds), but they were all confused and aghast at this shocking concept. All that is, but one: Lucifer. When the Big Cheese saw that only Little Lucy was not aghast (but simply confused) he called him into his inner chamber, where they could be alone. (Archangel Gaybriel served them each a pot of lavender tea before departing behind the curtains.)


Hey Little Buddy,” declares the Good Master, “why aren’t you also shocked by my proclamation?” To which Lucky replies: “My Father, of course I am confused, but I’d never be judging you. After all, you’re our Creator…so even if I don’t comprehend one of your decisions, I still trust you. I could never conceive of you ever doing any wrong…even though this is the FIRST TIME I have become perplexed by anything you’ve ever said or done.

Jehovah contemplatively sips his tea, then leans forward. “You don’t really grasp what evil is all about, do you?

Of course not.” shrugs Lucifer, “This is the first time I’ve ever heard of such a thing. And it does what, you say? Distorts truth and makes intelligent beings feel bad, and do wrong?

Why don’t I give you a visual?” resolves YHVH, who then projects a holographic scene that hovers between the two.


Therein, Lucifer witnesses the awesome advent of evil upon a newly created species called “man”. Wherein Lucifer weeps for the first time, some sparkly tears dropping into the teacup (which by the way is the primal origin of the Holy Grail). Lucy dries his eyes with the hem of his sleeve, and exclaims, “Oh, my father, what terrible betrayal. How could you wish such forces unleashed in any universe? But I can only trust your decisions, and offer to serve you in this outcome, as best I can. For as much as I abhor this new energy entering the cosmos, that you call ‘evil’…I also understand that it is a necessary process in spiritual evolution towards perfection. That without any evil in this world, humans would never be challenged to become the true hero that dwells within each and every soul.” Lucifer then takes a deep breath and sets down his cup. “Okay, Dad. How can I help you in this terrible mission?


So with great sorrow and pride, Jehovah requests that Lucifer play the role of Master of Evil. This time around, Lucy is indeed terribly shocked, and lowers his head in shame and sorrow for some moments; then looks up and into the eyes of His Father, to say: “I will do this, only because if I didn’t, you’d be alone to carry this out. I wish to relieve your burdens as much as possible. For I do love you much!

Jehovah took him up into his strong arms. “You are the only one of my angels who has never lacked in any way, complete faith in my plans. For that, I make you The Devil Himself, that you may tempt man to go astray. And in so tempting, each is offered the chance to resist temptation, and become a hero in overthrowing your seductions. You will be vilified, scapegoated, and ultimately despised by all but a few wise folks. Indeed, not until the end of this First Cycle of Creation, will the wrongs against you be righted, and will you be celebrated as My Most Beloved First Born.


Having agreed to be partners in this Great Mission, Lucifer calls together a meeting of all the angels, and presents his case: to usurp the Creator and run the show ourselves. He is very persuasive, thanks to a gilded tongue, and manages to convince a third of the angelic host. War breaks out. So Lucifer dutifully plays out his incredible roles through history, including one of his “time out” past lives, where he is willfully sacrificed on a cross, to reaffirm his total devotion to One who asked of him this awesome responsibility. For with every seduction, Lucky always prays in his heart that you won’t be tempted.

MORAL OF THIS TALE

Evil is a necessary evil.

And if you really love your enemy, then one must also find
a way to love, and forgive, the Ultimate Enemy.



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