The Breakthrough is Nigh!

August 10, 2015

Date: Sun, 2 Aug 2015 13:54:29
Subject:
Kudos Morticia!
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: Eleanor Cooney

Dear Eleanor:

I have been thrashed and cast about by the waves of misfortune…yet they have given me such strength in the resistance demanded, that I can feel nothing but gratitude for the rough regard. For I am a survivor, in ways that even yours truly couldn’t even imagine.

And Larkin has been A Great Taskmaster in this Brilliant Plot That Destines Me Towards Immense Glory. To be knocked about by He Who Loves Me Beyond Measure, is a form of S&M that–while it does not suit my own nature–has catapulted me into A Universe Of Dreams Come True that would have never occurred, had my own sensibilities ruled the day.

We (this world) are on the verge of An Incredible Revelation that shall touch upon every single life. Not just the human aspect, but all of The Great Spirit’s creatures and non-living objects, that is: /all/ animate and inanimate things that exist, have ever existed, or ever /will/ exist.

You are witness to My Personal Evolution Into Godhead…as are a handful of other benevolent souls. In fact, you (and those other kind souls) have played a vital role in getting me there.

So how can I say “thank you” without coming off as maudlin? I can’t. For we are all knit into the same fabric, and what benefits one benefits the other, regardless of any particular station in life that is deemed superior or inferior over another. Seeing as accepting my own Amazing Role in Life’s Adventure, does not make me better than anyone else–even among the lowest and most despised among us, such as Adolf Hitler for classic example–nonetheless I am asked by Universal Mind Itself to step forward and take the reins.

Though I shall acknowledge, each and every time possible, The Gracious Heroes Such As Yourself, who’ve busted your ovaries to get me there.

With profound love and astonishment,

– Zeke


Date: Mon, 3 Aug 2015 15:09:35
Subject:
The breakthrough is nigh!
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: Carmen G. (Publishing Consultant, Twosome Press)

Hello again, Carmen. I figure you’d like to know that I am very close to bursting across the world in uber-popularity. Which means that soon, very soon, I shall gain tons of moolah from sales of my novel that your company has so kindly published (when all other self-publishing venues turned me down).

How do I know this? Well, amazing events have been occurring in my life at a very fast clip…and are reflected in my most recent tales. For example:

A Quiet Night at Mission Station
https://zekeblog.wordpress.com/2015/07/25/a-quiet-night-at-mission-station/

and:

Misfortune is a Cookie Named Zeke
https://zekeblog.wordpress.com/2015/07/31/misfortune-is-a-cookie-named-zeke/

So tell Twosome Press to gird their loins in preparation for THREE MORE NOVELS by yours truly, to publish. They will be assembled from my WordPress blog, by trusted members of the SF gay community…so that I may relax and enjoy life after so much blood, sweat and tears sacrificed on my part (not to mention pizza).

I hope you can find the time to read those two tales linked above, as they will affirm my claim of imminent success.

While Twitter, Facebook et al have not been much help in promoting my book, I’ve found that people love a good joke. So I crack a lot of ’em, especially as silly replies to others’ tweets. Which has boosted my presence on the Internet into almost-celebrityhood. Just a few more baby steps, and I’ll be there!

Again, thank you SO MUCH for the blessing of your respectful treatment of my tales, for which I owe Twosome EVERYTHING! Canada rocks! I would change citizenship to your fair nation, except that I will soon declare myself the founder and president of the world’s first LGBT nation, Athenia. Formerly northern California down to the southern border of Santa Cruz County, and straight across to Nevada’s demarcation.

Most truly yours,

Ezekiel J. Krahlin

P.S.: Scroll down my home page to view the new jokes I’ve uploaded in image format, starting with “Sturgeon on the Mount”; they will crack you up. http://www.gay-bible.org


Date: Tuesday, 3 August 2015
Subject:
The Four Gospel Truths
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: Hermoine

Hermoine,

Including the two tales I already suggested you read ASAP, here are four tales I recommend you read in chronological order, as listed below. They span a period from June 30th to July 29th. This will give you an excellent idea of my rapid spiritual progress, and how much magic is flowing into my world these days. You will LOVE each and every one, I am positive!

Booty
https://zekeblog.wordpress.com/2015/07/12/booty/

Birthday Magic 1
https://zekeblog.wordpress.com/2015/07/18/birthday-magic-1/

A Quiet Night at Mission Station
https://zekeblog.wordpress.com/2015/07/25/a-quiet-night-at-mission-station/

Misfortune is a Cookie Named Zeke
https://zekeblog.wordpress.com/2015/07/31/misfortune-is-a-cookie-named-zeke/

– Zeke

P.S.: BONUS TALE!

Scooby-Doo Porn
https://zekeblog.wordpress.com/2015/06/17/scooby-doo-porn/

P.P.S.: Oh, and you /must/ read “Pillow Gossip,” written in late March. You haven’t lived until you’ve read “Pillow Gossip!”

https://zekeblog.wordpress.com/2015/03/28/pillow-gossip/

P.P.P.S.: Attached is another photo of Larkin taken around 20 years ago. With his clothes on, this time. He loves softball, and this pic was taken when he still lived in San Diego, long before we met. How he came to S.F.: he was contracted as a private investigator for the SFPD, to discover which policemen were participating in a violent cult that almost killed me in 2007. It was my desire to be friends with him that put my life in danger; and I refused to walk away. You can read about that in Chapter 13 of my novel:

https://zekeblog.wordpress.com/2012/04/27/the-phone-call/

I have been his assistant since then. He’s even handsomer now, at 53!

P.P.P.P.S.: Also attached are two more pics: front and back of the latest postcard I sent to Larkin (on Saturday). Duplicates of which were also mailed to the four gay bars in The Castro he used to frequent until recently (’cause I got him 86’d), plus the remaining bar which he can still enter by my good graces.

P.P.P.P.P.S.: I know, I’m nuts. You don’t have to rub it in. <3


Date: Tue, 4 Aug 2015 12:20:00
Subject:
Missive From Uranus
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: Eleanor Cooney

Your Imperial Multi-Cosmic Osmium Empress:

I am at your mercy, in begging you to find some time in your uber-busy schedule, to finally read “‘A Quiet Night at Mission Station”:

https://zekeblog.wordpress.com/2015/07/25/a-quiet-night-at-mission-station/

For it marks the milestone in my life, where the tables are turned in my favor, and against My Mocking Mesosaur. Exactly what I predicted for many months and even several years!

I will gladly provide you free of charge: 100 crates of Misfortune Cookies, containing 1,000 cookies (with each misfortune replicated no more than 50 times) in each crate, in exchange for answering my desperate appeal.

Sinqueerly yours,

Ezekiel Joseph Krahlin
Co-president of Athenia
(alongside Reptilian Commander Larkin Kelsey)


It’s all horse hockey anyway.


Date: Wed, 5 Aug 2015 12:28:05
Subject:
Re: Missive From Uranus
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: Eleanor Cooney

On Wed, Aug 5, 2015 at 12:10 PM, Eleanor Cooney wrote:

{{ Okay, I’m waiting for those misfortune cookies! }}

Thank you /so/ much for reading it! Cookies are on the way, but since they are manufactured in a factory located deep in the bowels of Uranus, it will take some while before they arrive at your doorstep.

{{ Jeeziz, what a lurid and shadowy adventure! The colostomy bag was a stroke of genius on their part, wasn’t it? Probably the bag actually contained chocolate pudding. }}

More realistic than that: not as dark as pudding, a tad watery and slushy. Sure looked like the real thing…gotta hand it to the excellent lads and lassies at forensics! I will find out, eventually (what it really contains), when they present me with it at my retirement party. It’ll be wonderful: a lotta cops giving me hugs till the bovines come home.

Ha ha, instead of a gold watch I get /this/? Too bad they can’t /all/ sign their names on the ostomy sack, it’s just not possible!

– Zeke


Date: Wed, 5 Aug 2015 12:45:09
Subject:
Re: Missive From Uranus
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: Eleanor Cooney

On Wed, Aug 5, 2015 at 12:39 PM, Eleanor Cooney wrote:

{{ You need a special kind of pen to sign an ostomy sack. }}

Okay, I’ll play the straight man here (I’ll be George Burns):

“Oh? And just what /kind/ of special pen do you need to sign an ostomy sack, Gracie?”

– Zeke


Date: Wed, 5 Aug 2015 13:28:18
Subject:
Re: Missive From Uranus
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: Eleanor Cooney

In composing my “Mission Station” tale, I searched for a term or word that would suffice for an adjective conveying amnesia. And learned a new word:

anamnestic

For its definition is: “Of or relating to anamnesis; aiding the memory.”

“Perfect!” I thought, and used it in a sentence deep in the tale, like so:

“Is this affectionate cub one of them who still awaits my anamnestic return?”

Later that day, I decided to take a gander at the root word “anamneses”…and boy did definitions #2 and #5 blow me away:

“2. Platonism. recollection of the Ideas, which the soul had known in a previous existence, especially by means of reasoning.”

“5. (often initial capital letter) a prayer in a Eucharistic service, recalling the Passion, Resurrection, and Ascension of Christ.”

See for yourself:

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/anamnesis

– Zeke

PS: This ties in with my revelation in Chapter 13 of my published novel, that Larkin is a detective. And I suffered memory loss due to being drugged and left for dead by unknown perpetrators who don’t want us to work together. Part of that loss is that I, too, am a detective, as well as Mr. Kelsey’s lover. I don’t recall any of that, yet. But I wrote this following piece in 2007, describing my intentional erasure of my present life to create a false persona…that I may infiltrate a dangerous cult to better effect: “There’s a Succubus Born Every Minute.”

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Rainbow World Fund

July 18, 2014

{{ Salubrious Reader: here is a message I just posted on Wednesday, July 16th, to the Rainbow World Fund’s Facebook page. They’re located right here in San Francisco, BTW. }}

Hello, I just learned about your organization via Amazon.com’s “smile” service that donates a percentage of one’s purchases to the charity of your choice. So I searched “LGBT” and Rainbow World Fund showed up on the list. I am a gay-themed author of many tales, yet remain on Social Security Disability, at 64 years old…thus, I am very low income by San Francisco standards (I’ve lived in the Castro since 1983). I feel I can best serve the struggle for LGBT equality by remaining a writer…that perhaps this or that gay organization can profit immensely by sales of my books. And I would collect a small percentage of these profits. I just self published my first novel “Free Me From This Bond,” and it’s a romance/mystery adventure based on true events. It is actually a trilogy. You can read the book for free on the web, at:

http://www.gay-bible.org/free

At bottom of that page is the link to Book 2…which has a link to Book 3 (a work in progress that readers may enjoy as I continue adding more tales). I believe that my stories are very empowering for sexual minorities, to the point where they will change the hearts of homophobes. If you see the potential in distributing my tales as fundraisers for your organization, I will gladly work out an arrangement whereby the Rainbow World Fund will benefit greatly, in exchange for assisting me to get off disability (finally) and live a better life. (My dream, personally, is to open a home for severely disabled lesbian and gay veterans, employing homeless queers to run the place in whatever capacity suits them best.) My web site includes many gay-themed tales, poems, letters and essays, outside of this trilogy:

http://www.gay-bible.org

And my blog includes all the very latest of my intriguing stories that give dignity, hope and joy to gay people all around the world:

https://zekeblog.wordpress.com

Thanks for your kind attention, and I wish you much success in your noble mission.

Most sincerely,

Zeke Krahlin


Twitter Homophobe Alert

January 11, 2014

TO ANY & ALL PRO-GAY ALLIES OUT THERE IN TWITTERSPACE

My name is Zeke Krahlin. I’m a devoted gay activist of many years. My web site at [ http://www.gay-bible.org ] gives evidence of my record and achievements.

Since 1997 my activism has increased ever more in cyberspace, where I’ve grown accustomed to regular threats and attacks by homophobes, in order to shut me down…no matter which service I use. The latest is Twitter, and the tweets above show the first salvo against me, by two pinheads.

I’ve gotten suspended seven times in just the past two weeks. And the Twitlords never tell me why, but do let me back on within a day, or even within two or three hours. But I’m required to notify them first by filling out a standard form and sending it off.

However, I now conclude that my Twitter access is likely being sabotaged by anti-gay horses asses. And Twitter is not taking proper action by searching out hateful threats against LGBTs. Seems easy enough to do, by running a subroutine to find words like “fag” and “faggot”…then checking them out to be sure if they are threatening or (rarely) not.

There has of course also come to my mind, that Twitter may likewise harbor a homophobe or two within their ranks…and could be part of my current dilemma. No surprise from this queer renegade, seeing as anti-gay dogma remains the most rampant and violent bigotry of them all. And it’s worldwide.

Can anyone(s) on Twitter help put an end to this, else the attacks will increase to the point where I’m no longer a frequent denizen of Twitterville? Or even worse: this hatred grows and spills over into meatspace, to cause me even worse threats and even bodily harm.

And legal support? Hacker assistance? Thanks for your considerate attention…I know there are many excellent and brilliant souls wandering Tweetdom. Who far outnumber these perverted troglodytes.

Sinqueerly yours,

Ezekiel J. Krahlin

PS: I live on a disability stipend only, so cannot possibly afford to pay attorney fees or whatever other aid I might need (should it come to that). I just self-published my first novel, but it will take quite some time to actually generate any profit, if ever. You can check out my novel by clicking on the book cover image below (chapter 1 always free to read), or this link: [ http://www.gay-bible.org/free ].


UPDATE January 12 2014

This past week, I’ve been banned from Twitter five times, and got back on in less than a day, sometimes just two-three hours, and last time only five minutes after emailing Twitter my outrage. But I finally discovered the truth about why I’m being bounced around. After startpage‘ing the absurd accusation of “multiple unsolicited replies”, I found this page:

What exactly is meant by “unsolicited replies or mention”?
https://dev.twitter.com/discussions/22072

Turns out many left-wing tweeters are blocked by spiteful
“conservative” types. This then alerts the Twitter overlords who see
fit to instantly comply, rather than look into matters. This indicates
a strong bias by Twitter against progressive and for right
wingers.

This of course does not bode well for leftie queer activists like
yours truly. Though I do find Twitter an excellent medium for
promoting my gay activism, including my book. So I’d rather fight
than surrender. Maybe I’ll wind up suing the fuk outta Twitter and
walk away with millions. Now:

Read the three excerpts below that I culled from that site, which
answers the question as to why I keep getting excommunicated:

@mahilena:

It has been my experience twice, when all of a sudden I am attacked by a conservative gang of tweeps and they start bullying me…if I defend or counter attack, they report me as me harassing them…and sending them unsolicited reply or mentions….its a trick based on the culture war but tweeter does not take enough time to properly investigate and trace the dialogue to see who is harassing who.

@ERN_Malleyscrub:

It seems twitter is controlled by nervous conservative types who would rather suspend people from communicating than check the facts. Considering the parameters of rules, the arbitrary nature of suspension means it’s chaos.

@lynnerlou72:

Me too! Twitter suspended my account and I had to agree to abide by their rules before being reinstated. Ummm… except I didn’t do what they accused me of? They’re basically accusing me of spamming…or mass tweeting. Ummm… but if you actually look at my account, you’ll see that I retweeted articles but they aren’t addressed (@ or #) to anyone. So what am I doing wrong again? What fascist didn’t like my comments today?

Meanwhile, I’ve found two Twitter channels dedicated to calling out homophobia whenever it occurs. Hopefully, this will help. I am considering a project to make Twitter, Inc. cease with ignoring anti-gay tweets, as well as getting them to drop their #fag and #cunt hashtags.

After all, there is no #nigger or #breederscum hashtag (for examples). I therefore accuse the Tweetmasters of willfully spreading homophobia and misogyny across Twitspace.


UPDATE January 13 2014

Just got this second email from a Twitter employee, and it’s BS. Read paragraph 3, and you’ll understand; I highlighted it in bold (and my questionnaire replies in dark red):

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: adrianacarter
Date: Mon, Jan 13, 2014 at 3:55 AM
Subject: #15876431 Twitter Support: update on “Receiving violent threats –
CodySpacely”
To: EZ_Krahlin

##- Please type your reply above this line -##

——————————

*adrianacarter, Jan 13 03:55 AM:*

Hello,

If you feel you’re in physical danger based on the Tweets or the behavior of the account, we strongly encourage you to follow up on the issue outside of Twitter. Take the time to contact law enforcement or other trusted individuals to determine if the threat is valid. To do this, you should consider taking the following steps:

  • document the interactions with print-outs or screenshots
  • provide specific detail on your issue (What other Tweets or users are involved?
  • How many times has this happened?
  • What was said?
  • Determine if this is someone you know offline or if this is happening on other websites, so that you can assess the scope of the problem and take appropriate action.

We’ve investigated the account and reported Tweets for violent threats and abusive behavior, and have found that it’s currently not violating the Twitter Rules.

Though you may feel differently about the outcome of the decision, you should still seek help if you truly feel you’re in danger. If you choose to reach out to law enforcement, we can work with them and provide the necessary information for their investigation of your issue. You can direct local law enforcement to this page for more information: https://support.twitter.com/articles/41949

Thanks,

@adrianacarter
Twitter Trust & Safety

——————————

*EZ_Krahlin, Jan 11 01:40 PM:*

What username is causing the issue?: @CodySpacely

Tweet I am reporting:
https://twitter.com/CodySpacely/status/422073720476536832
Please provide the specific time mentioned: 10:33 AM
Please provide the specific date mentioned: 11 Jan 14
Please provide the name of the person mentioned: EZ_Krahlin

Blocked user(s): Yes
How many times has this happened?: Three
Further description of problem: He is making homophobic remarks to me, I am a gay activist. He threatens to hurt me.
Your full name: Ezekiel Krahlin

I understand that Twitter may provide third parties, for example the reported user, with details of this report, such as the reported Tweet. Your contact information, like your email address, will not be disclosed.

Twitter username: @EZ_Krahlin


UPDATE January 23 2014

Seems that Twitter is no stranger to looking the other way when it comes to homophobia and other bigotries (now that I’ve done my homework):

Homophobia Doubles on Twitter

Homophobic Tweets (Huffington Post)

Twitter Slammed Over Racist, Homophobic and Anti Semitic Abuse

Tom Daley Endures Homophobic Abuse on Twitter After Coming Out

Homophobia Tracker Finds ‘Faggot’ On Twitter Nearly 1 Million Times Per Month


My Letter to City Lights

December 26, 2013

Christmas night 2013 I typed and mailed the following letter to City Lights, a bookstore famous for featuring Allen Ginsberg’s seminal poem “Howl.” Which stanzas, you may remember, instigated much legal chaos and triggered both the Beat Era and the birth of the Free Speech Movement. (Some poem, eh?) Allen was 100% homosexual, FYI.

It is my dream to have my own novel featured on the same shelf as “Howl and Other Poems.” But more than that: I want my uber-queer opus to trigger the next social revolution…that yours truly become the progenitor of a second (and more powerful, captivating and irresistible) cultural revolution on behalf of civil rights. Starting with gay rights, of course. Then everyone else. Except for unrepentant homophobes…but that goes w/o saying, My Feathered Little Raptosaurus Chickadees.


December 26, 2013

Dear City Lights,

I hope you will find my novel worthy of your shelves. It is titled: “Free Me From This Bond (a real life gay fairytale of divine proportion).” Just come out only three weeks ago via Friesen Press (subsidiary of Ingram Books). It is already available locally at Bound Together on Haight Street, the first bookstore I approached. City Lights is the second, though I will reach out to many more over the next few weeks. My book is already available (hardcover, paperback and ebook) at thousands of online sellers including Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble, Chapters, Google Books/Play, Apple Ibooks and Kobo (just to name a smattering).

Description and Data:

Based on true events embellished with many Walter-Mitty type flights of fancy, it is mystical, hilarious and frightening all at once. (As to “mystical,” I mean a fusion of pagan and Christian morality reminiscent of C.S. Lewis…with a twist of O’Henry.) What sets this book apart from most other GLBT tales, is that it is neither a heated love story to titillate one’s sexual yearnings, nor a tiresome imbroglio of middle class queers enmeshed in soap-operish drama. Better yet: no AIDS tears!

This novel is a linked series of true tales anchored by two heroes in the author’s own life, thus biographical in nature. It is a love story about the downtrodden and homeless, the neglected and abused within the homophile community. It is also a mystery/bromance novel about a gay activist from San Francisco who falls in love with a detective out of San Diego. (Or so the activist concludes his love object to be a gumshoe, though remains in question to the very end.) Much intrigue, danger and hilarity ensues.

Due to a scattering of erotic (albeit satirical) passages throughout the novel, this book is definitely for adults. Graced with exquisite illustrations (one for each of 16 chapters) by struggling artist S. Rohan.

Title: Free Me From This Bond
Author: Ezekiel J. Krahlin

Hardcover (ISBN: 978-1-4602-1720-7)
Ingram (distributor): $19.99

Paperback (ISBN: 978-1-4602-1721-4)
Ingram (distributor): $10.99

Thank you for your interest,

Ezekiel J. Krahlin


Now, I used a simple, crisp envelope, like so:

The back is embellished with a Pegasus and dragon sticker, former mounting the latter. I figure this will be an eye catcher and a chuckle generator…always a good idea to make your mail stand out from the competition:

Stapling my business card to the letter is also a nice touch; dresses up the whole page. Which page (I might add) is but one, with the entire letter constrained to side one. I’m sure whoever reads it will appreciate the brevity:

And finally, I enclosed a “Free Me From This Bond” postcard provided by Friesen as part of my promotional package. That way, City Lights will see that heavenly book cover right off the bat.

So whaddya think, Exalted Reader? Will the fish gobble the bait? Will City Lights’ Keeper of the Books feverishly tear open the envelope and drink the entire contents in one mesmerized gulp? Will the winged humping horse make pregnant the fire-breathing dragon of my inspiration? (Will I win the Bulwer-Lytton Award in 2014?)

Anywayz, around 9 PM I stepped out to mail this missive destined to become the scattershot heard ’round the world. Before dropping it into the corner mailbox I looked about the bleak cold streets, normally overrun with fuming vehicles clattering like animatronic bats in hell. Tonight though, it was silent. As will be New Year’s Day. A straggling lunatic clucking like a chicken walked by, swinging an open bottle of cheap tequila. Can’t get away from these fukkups no matter where I go, not even Christmas!

So I drew back and stepped around the corner to make myself invisible, still with letter in hand. Once he slowly vanished down Market (took him quite a while, as he often paused to look around for an unwary victim filled with the holy spirit), I returned to the mailbox. Kissed the Pegasus/dragon seal and dropped it into the big, blue container that recently housed countless prayers to Santa. (Mine was, obviously, last-minute.)

Martin Luther King had a dream. I have a vision. Actually, many visions (due to my schizophrenic blessing straight from the angels…and a demon or two). Among them (and the latest):


This Poor Author

December 11, 2013

Enjoy my recent comment to an author’s blog, subject “It Takes a Team“. Presently awaiting moderator approval, so no promise it will find a home there.

Dearest Writer Unboxed:

I’d say a good agent is priceless, and will always be a boon even if self publishing. Now for the caveat:

I am a very low income soul living on a disability stipend (in a /very/ expensive city), who had /no/ choice but to forgo an agent, proofreader, editor, et al. I have studied many blogs re. self publishing…and they all are geared for those who are at /least/ reasonably affluent. They have money to toss around, thus /their/ challenge is not lack of funds to employ an agent, but to find a really /great/ ally among all the mediocre ones.

Not a single article advising those who are penniless authors attempting to break into the market. Though thanks to a small inheritance from my deceased parents, I was able to employ a self publishing service (Friesen Press) minus the added proofreading and editorial options.

I can’t even afford a fast Internet connection (just dialup at $10/mo.), so I rely on public wifi at libraries.

This is not ideal, as I prefer promoting my book (Twitter, FB, blogs, etc.) from the comfort of my own SRO…rather than in a distracting environment that includes stinky hobos and speed freaks mingling about the book shelves, and occupying tables. Sometimes it’s just too much–I get stared at and even stalked by these types–so I shut down my netbook and leave.

But had I known then what I do now, I could’ve done it /all/ myself. For this reason, I’ve WordPress’ed a blog entry of tips on publishing a book on your own that costs zilch:

https://zekeblog.wordpress.com/2013/12/04/the-adventure-begins/

There, you will also find a link to my book, where you can read the entire first chapter for free, purchase it, or contact me.

Or course it is always wise to hire a righteous agent. But if you are too broke for that, and are driven to get your opus out there (“I have something really /important/ to tell the world”), know that we now have a totally cost-free way to accomplish this.

Thanks for your kind attention. Posted to you from my favorite hangout these days: Howard’s Cafe in San Francisco. They don’t have wifi, but the bar on one side and the coffee spot on the other, do. ;p


ADDENDUM (not posted to Writer Unboxed)

I am so poor that I have not been able to afford dental care ever since MediCal eliminated such for all male adults over a decade ago. As of two years ago the same is true for /all/ MediCal recipients (men, women /and/ children). (I wonder: how on earth are the low-income unemployed expected to land a job with decayed and missing teeth?) Plus: I suffer a severe inferiority complex that resulted from a horrid face infection which commenced at the tender age of 16. Took years to heal. To this day I shun mirrors due to this inherited neurosis.

Therefore, I am pathetically camera shy. No way will I include an author photo showing my rotten teeth. This of course is a strike against me in my attempts to promote “Free Me From This Bond.” Suffice a 12-year-old pic wherein I look pretty good…but it’s not how I appear at present. I am, after all, a ripe and ragged 63 years of age.

Thanks to San Francisco’s rent control (albeit grossly anemic due to the state’s “Ellis Act” and many other loopholes on a local level, such as no rent control for domiciles built after 1979)…I remain in occupancy of a crummy single room. Bathroom down the hallway, no kitchen. Been living there since (now hold onto your jockstrap) January first 1983!

There is also the matter of further MediCal cutbacks which include elimination of psychiatric care, hearing and eye exams. In addition, our “liberal” governor, Jerry Brown, has decided to redeem California’s sagging economy by restoring it on the backs of the poor! This includes eliminating (on a monthly basis) $100 from Social Security, that all recipients pay for their own Medicare subsidy.

Finally, at the beginning of this year, said recipients must /also/ pay $30 per month for their Medicare part D.

Also to be considered are the social consequences of being both left-wing and low income. Due to the rise of crass elitism among the LGBT population these past three decades, I remain sort of the “last of the Mohicans” among our gay crowd. What friends I once had were lower middle class or dirt poor…and have been thrust out of the protective circle of gay friendliness and forced to move back to their homes of birth or other less-costly locales. That /also/ harbor mostly redneck or at least stick-ignorant denizens that do /not/ make for a safe or hospitable environment. While I remain in The City, hanging by the edge of my nails.

Though ostracized (even kicked out of gay venues such as bars and clubs) simply because I am not “one of them.” Meaning: rich, elitist, home-owning or high-income renter with a fancy apartment, sporty car, and tons of moolah to toss around to my kissy-arse “friends.” This makes for a lonely existence that has gone on for nigh unto 22 years. Talk about rubbing sodium chloride crystals into a gaping wound:

I had acquired the best friend of my life (Arwyn) for almost seven years, which vanquished any sense of dark solititude in one fell swoop. Such a great comrade, I was even inspired to compose novels in his honor, “Free Me From This Bond” being but the latest. Alas, he turned on me in most wicked ways, starting in January. Thus, I am cast back to the wolves to fend on my own amid an unhappy and desperate existence. Though not w/o sporadic episodes of peace of mind (even joy)…and, thankfully, my personal conquest out of the well of depression and into a hopeful attitude once more. Minus my most beloved amigo. (Though, in truth, I sense his return with profuse apologies and a better-than-ever relationship. I surely hope this is my intuition kicking in and not just wishful pondering.)

So there you have it, Mellifluous Reader: a perfect storm that threatens to condemn me to continued friendless existence unto death, failing health, and even homelessness. Though I like to think that all these years of living down and out in Gay Mecca is destiny’s intent to inspire me to maintain compassion for our downtrodden and wake up the world to such misery…particularly for those who suffer such an egregious fate within our queer community.

And that, my friend, is a positive spin indeed. Just let us hope it’s not /also/ a positive spin to the grave.

I pray my novel takes off.


UPDATE: Egads, they excommunicated my brilliant comment. Surprise surprise! Guess their blogger considers this contribution by yers truly an imminent threat to her business as agent. You’d think she’d see a good story in it, and capitalize on the potential therein. Oh well, I can’t expect everyone to grasp my avatar-ish destiny. No one can clip my wings at this point…not even the hag Atropos.


The Adventure Begins!

December 4, 2013

The adventure of promoting my book, that is: now that it is out on Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble, Apple iBooks, Kobo, Google Play, and so on. The best thing about self-publishing, is you retain all author copyrights, thus can release the same book through a wide variety of distributors.

But the hardest work is still ahead of me: self promotion. The learning curve has begun, so let me share what I’ve garnered in this matter in just one short week, that it may help other struggling authors:

  • Best for an unknown author to start off with ebooks only, via Amazon.com’s Kindle outlet…for they are the largest distributor of ebooks by far. Avoid the hassle and expense of paper production for the time being. Wish I had known that before I invested in the whole enchilada! (Though the reason my book is now on sale at the numerous venues listed above, is because I paid a self-publishing service, Friesen Press, to handle all that, and more. But you can do that yourself; read on.) If your book is any good, you will make quicker and bigger royalties on ebooks, despite their much lower cost.
  • Do it all yourself, for free. Kindle Direct Publishing (KDP) has all the tools and tutorials you need, to pump out a perfectly formatted ebook. Just sign up with Amazon.com, and you’re good to go!

  • On beyond Kindle: register with Smashwords, one of the largest promoters and distributors of ebook publications focused on new and upcoming authors…and is likewise free. They will distribute your ebooks to all other major sellers except Kindle: Apple iBookstore, Barnes & Noble, Sony Reader Store, Kobo, Flipkart, Oyster, the Diesel eBook Store, Baker & Taylor’s Blio, Axis360, and more. Smashwords also offers three excellent (and free) ebooks to help the novice: The Secrets to Ebook Publishing Success, Smashwords Book Marketing Guide, and Smashwords Style Guide. Very useful information applicable to any ebook author, even if he or she doesn’t subscribe to Smashwords itself. They will at the very least give you an excellent idea of what’s involved with ebook self-publishing. Better yet: Smashwords handles all the adjustments required for the various ebook formats out there, via their innovative, online “meatgrinder.” All you need do is compose your ebook in MS Word document mode. (On the downside, read “The Fight Against Smashwords’ Meatgrinder.”)

  • A top notch book cover is an utter requirement if you want sales to take off. No way around this. Smashwords provides a list of artists that will handle this for a nominal fee. In fact, if you are a struggling artist, this is a great way to start off! Get yourself on that list, and provide a web page featuring samples of your work. (Note: there are free ebook cover designs out there, using templates and public domain images. I have yet to really look into this, but a web search for such items is a good start. Just be sure you get quality results.)
  • Avoid DRM like the e-plague! Or so some say, such as Smashwords’ founder Mark Coker and celebrated cyberpunk author Cory Doctorow. Their claims are that DRM inconveniences your customers by limiting the number of devices set up to read the ebook, and that underground proliferation of non-DRM (or pirated) ebooks actually can boost sales drastically. Especially if the book is a well-written and hot-button topic. But there are dissenters of the anti-DRM crowd, as well. (Also read “ Question on Digital Rights Management or DRM.” Oh, and this intriguing article: “Why e-books will soon be obsolete (and no, it’s not just because of DRM).”) As for me, I requested my publisher to /not/ use DRM, but they went ahead anywayz, and secure-coded my ebook. I’ve decided not to fight them, seeing as I’m giving away a DRM-free version of “Free Me From This Bond” to hundreds of contacts I’m emailing as a promotional tool. I may even intentionally upload this free edition to torrent and pirate sites, just to get the ball rolling.
  • Social media sucks! But I guess ya gotta deal with it anywayz. Maximize those opportunities and all that rot. I’ve read various authors’ attempts at self promotion through Facebook, Twitter, blogging, LinkedIn and the like. And most conclude that it’s a big friggin’ waste o’ time. Those who do claim great success via social media seem to be affluent, and toss their capital into the ring of professional agents, promoters, advertisers and distributors. They purchase Google ads, pay through the arse for tailored videos, hire consultants, give away free books and gifts, rub shoulders (and more intimate parts I suspect) with media celebrities, ad nauseum. Nonetheless, I held my nose and dived right in. Gussied up my long-nascent Facebook page, and interfaced it with my Twitter site and WordPress. Both FB and WP display my book’s cover right at the top, w/description and purchase link. So bang! the moment anyone lands on either site, that’s the first thing their LCD-jaded orbs will behold. Now, all I need do is diligently post a blog once per week, and participate in a few tweets and likes in kind. (Any more than that, and I’d keel over in cyber-narcosis…aargh!)
  • When you’re ready for paperback and/or hardcover: Amazon’s “Createspace” is definitely the way to go, especially when you’re broke…as you can DIAY (do it all yourself). Natch, there’s a major learning curve re. formatting, but I find virtual poverty a great motivator.Especially if you believe what you have to tell the world is of utmost import. There is absolutely no cost in publishing your hardcover or paperback via Createspace, but one: purchasing a galley proof before you actually release your literary demon. The cost is trivial, well under $10 in most cases.


MY BRAINSTORM

For a disillusioned penniless gadfly like myself, I have to think outta the box. Because thinking costs nada…except perhaps to purchase a bottle of ibuprofen to quell concomitant headaches.Thus, my brainstorm:

Contact via email, gay friendly campuses across America (and then, other nations). Lo and behold, in a short time searching such places, I discovered “campuspride.org“: a site solely dedicated to annually rating US campuses based on LGBT inclusion and hospitality. Highest rating: 5 stars. So I decided to post announcement of my novel to those rated 5, 4.5 and 4…totalling 208 campuses in all! Of course, I personalized each email by inserting each salutation with the name of the LGBT (or “Gay/Lesbian,” “Sexual Diversity,” “Equality for All,” “Safe Zone” or whatever they chose for a title) department listed for each campus. Here is one email I posted (for example);


Date: Tue, 3 Dec 2013 14:56:49
Subject: New LGBT Novel Gives Voice to Our Own Homeless & Disenfranchised
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: Diversity UCLA

Greetings Diversity UCLA LGBTQ friends and allies!

I am a gay street activist of many many years, here in San Francisco. And have just come out with my first novel, “Free Me From This Bond.” Described thusly:

Based on true events embellished with many Walter-Mitty type flights of fancy, it is mystical, hilarious and frightening all at once. What sets this book apart from most other GLBT tales, is that it is neither a heated love story to titillate one’s sexual yearnings, nor a tiresome imbroglio of middle class queers embroiled in soap-operish drama. Better yet: no AIDS tears!

This novel is a linked series of true tales anchored by two heroes in the author’s own life, thus biographical in nature. It is a love story about the downtrodden and homeless, the neglected and abused within the homophile community.

Though due to a scattering of erotic (albeit satirical) passages throughout the novel, this book is definitely for adults. Graced with exquisite illustrations (one for each of 16 chapters) by struggling artist S. Rohan.

I am hoping your organization will find my novel worthy of inclusion in your campus library, and perhaps even as part of a class syllabus re. Queer Theory, LGBT history/literature, or related genre.

I give you access to an ebook version in pdf format, for your eyes only. Here ’tis:

http://tinyurl.com/fmftb1

This is the complete novel (minus book cover) that I provide for promotional purposes only.

Otherwise, anyone can log onto my book page at:

http://www.gay-bible.org/free

to view the book cover and read the entire first chapter, as well as click on the purchase link, where they can buy my book in hardcover, paperback, or ebook…as well as read the description located on the back cover.

I have decided in addition to promoting my book via online social media, to reach out to campuses across the globe with a large LGBT presence. I hope you will take the time to check out my book, as I feel it is a seminal piece of writing that will do much to further our rights here in these disUnited States, as well as across our sorry little globe. Most sincerely,

Zeke Krahlin
http://www.gay-bible.org


Now, a mere two days ago, I’ve accomplished my mission to spread The Good-Gay News across the myriad queer friendly campuses here in “The Land of the Free (Hetero).” (Later, I will do same on a global level.)

So, I thought, what will be my next plan of attack?

Later that day I read an article from an RSS feed about how Pope Francis chastized the churches for their rampant spewing of anti-gay dogma. (He also condemned capitalism, ha! Makes me wanna revert to the Catholic faith whose cross I bore throughout childhood). So then it hit me like a cast iron crown of thorns (whack!):

Of course! I should now contact all the gay-friendly churches about my evangelical opus!

Wherewithal I duckduckgo’d “gay friendly churches”

and in a short time came upon a site that provides a list of all LGBT-inclusive churches, both statewide and international:

http://www.gaychurch.org/

Hallelujah Gay Jebus, I am saved, I am saved (from a lot of time wasted searching pulpit-by-pulpit)! But as I scanned the list from hyper-populated states such as California, New York, Illinois and Texas, I realized I had my work cut out for me:

More than 800 gay friendly churches in California alone!

So I altered my strategy to just post to such churches in the largest city of each uber-crowded state. Even so, I’ll probably wind up posting to anywhere from 300 to 500 queer-sacred grounds. How exhausting.

But away I go, plodding through one state after another, each post a strike for homophile victory. I did alter my message a bit from what I sent to campuses. Specifically, the first, fifth and last paragraph:

I am a gay street activist of many years, here in San Francisco. And have just come out with my first novel, “Free Me From This Bond.” It is highly spiritual by design: a blend of Christian and Pagan morality in the fashion of C.S. Lewis (if I may be so brazen as to compare myself to this illustrious author). Described thusly:

I am hoping your church will find my novel worthy of inclusion in your library, and perhaps a passage therefrom as part of a sermon.

I have decided in addition to promoting my book via online social media, to reach out to gay-friendly churches across the globe. I hope you will take the time to check out my book, as I feel it is a seminal piece of writing that will do much to further LGBT rights here in these United States, as well as across our little blue ball.

So there you have it, mes petits tamias: busy as a bumblebee messing around w/social media, posting to hundreds of campuses, churches and who knows what other recipients I can make the unhappy victim of my megalogaymania. Of course, I will also broadcast my promotional emails to various gay magazines, newspapers and organizations around the world. As well as attempt to advertise my esoteric wares locally (bookstores, readings and whatnot). However, since I’ve suffered years of sabotage and wickedness by the SF queer community, I am not enthused about this particular approach. (Those who read my novel will understand perfectly.)


[ Perambulatory Reader: there is a young lady I featured many moons ago, for her website called “Laura’s NYC Tales.” Composed of entertaining and true tales of her escapades, paramours and insight on life in the Big Apple (and sometimes in Woodstock), I just kept returning to her site night after night, I was that captivated. That blog entry BTW is located here:

http://www.gay-bible.org/zekeblog/2009/2009_08.html

Since then (last month in fact) she has self-published her first ebook called: “I Beg to Differ: A Memoir of Bosses, Boyfriends & Mom’s Evil Lesbian Lover.” So I jotted off the following email to her, after more than a year’s passage since my last post.]


Date: Tue, 12 Nov 2013
Subject: Hey from Zeke – I am now published, too!
From: Zeke Krahlin
To: Laura Maxwell

From one struggling author to another: thought you’d enjoy hearing that I have just completed my first self-published novel. I see /your/ book has finally come out, found it on Amazon. CONGRATS! Hope sales take off like a rocket; you certainly deserve it, you are a superb author.

Anywayz, my own novel “Free Me From This Bond” has just come out too…what parallel timing, eh? You can read the first chapter here, as well as link to the description and purchase page:

http://tinyurl.com/fmftb

I am also listed at Amazon.com, just search for “zeke krahlin” or “free me from this bond.”

By any chance, was it Chris Rock that finally helped you get published, or did you have to strike out on your own? Either way, I am /so/ happy for you…as reading your tales on the web did /so/ much to lift my spirits through difficult days.

Most sincerely,

Zeke


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