Zapping Zachary

1 April 2015

Dear Zachary,

On March 31 2015 around 6:30 PM you stalked and harassed me; I have a witness. (I also have a reliable witness to when your housemate almost slammed me to the concrete on Hartford Street back in January 2013, FYI.) You even kicked my foot, and hollered “watch where you’re walking!” I tried to explain to you what’s really going on, but you kept screaming and drowned me out. Before I proceed with any further explanation, you need to be warned:

If you ever stalk and scream at me again, and don’t back off after my first warning, I will pepper spray you, and have you arrested. Now, the explanation:

Larkin is using you, which is very unkind…seeing as you have generously provided him with a nice roof over his head for a really good price. It strikes me as outrageous that he put you in the middle of our arguments…but which shows me he doesn’t really care about you. Approx’ly one week ago as I walked by Twin Peaks Tavern (where you both were present), he suddenly started feigning giving you a blow job, knowing I’d witness the scenario. If he really appreciated your compassionate friendship, he’d never do that. I am neither upset nor jealous of his antics, yet it seems to me he’d find some other way to press my buttons instead of using you for his patsy.

Let me emphasize now, how good a person you are, for providing My Devilish Dragon with a friendly domicile and trusting friendship. I am not suggesting you evict him, or turn on him with hatred. But what I am saying, is that you need to confront him regarding his crude antics. In fact, it’s quite possible that his continued erotic demonstrations may get him kicked out of Twin Peaks. Seeing as bars in the Castro are frequented by conservative queers and straight tourists…unlike bars South of Market, where gay-renegade interplay is far more robust and diabolical. And that is where we first met (Hole in the Wall Saloon, to be exact). It is sad to me that he must clip his mischievous wings in order to adapt to the somewhat-Puritanical crowd in these Castro bars.

While I demand justice for the wrongs Larkin has committed, I do take the Buddhist stance, in that one must always find a loving solution to all conflicts. It is therefore a most complex situation for me to achieve justice that is a win-win situation for all persons involved. Obviously, that now includes you as well as Larkin. For this reason, I invite you to open a dialog with me, that does not include any harassments, threats, assaults or false accusations on your part. We can do this by phone, email, or in person…or all three (whatever works for you).

Larkin’s backstabbing against me, a good friend, still has me worried that he may be suffering a malady affecting his thought processes, such as a brain tumor or early onset Alzheimer’s. You are of course, blinded by his extraordinary good looks and charisma, as are many people who are lucky enough to enjoy his company. Yet these very same gifts empower him to take advantage of any situation, even if his motivations are selfish or diabolical.

Your crude harassment towards me on 31 March may very well be the first time you’ve had the chance to be a bully to someone else…considering your small build and slight stature. As someone who is likewise diminutive, I can surely appreciate the temptation to finally wield a strong fist upon another. But I urge you to forego such an ego trap and reconsider my difficult situation.

For Larkin’s friendship is a great boon in my life…and which he has clearly acknowledged back in May 2014 when he approached me and declared: “Our friendship, our being brought together, is an incredible godsend!” As for your strange accusation that I am instructing my street friends to injure or threaten him:

That is a total falsehood. Have you witnessed such an encounter, or are you naively going by whatever slander Larkin has placed in your ears? Seeing as the several homeless amigos with whom I’ve discussed Larkin, was with great patience and respect towards him. I’ve told them that Larkin is just putting me through my paces (an initiation of sorts), and that they are to keep calm, not interfere, and let the process play through.

To one of my street buddies, Mikey, (some time last year) I even said, while pointing Larkin out at Twin Peaks Tavern:

“This is Larkin, the best friend I have ever known. If I am ever in trouble, or disappeared, please go to him and let him know.”

Yet you, in your foolish brainwashing by said housemate, assumed I was setting up Larkin for revenge. Thus you ran out of the bar to give me a piece of your mind…which mind, I might add, was totally stewed in an alcoholic brew.

While I did beg some of my street buddies to talk some sense into Larkin, I did not in any way, shape or form, encourage them to harass him. Otherwise, I have no idea what you’re talking about. You need to prove your claims with solid evidence. Yet I’m afraid that all your accusations would turn out to be deemed perjury in a court of law. Which would land you in the clinker for several months or longer.

I also want you to be aware that my conflict with Larkin is a civil suit…certainty not something for 911 to respond to. In fact, Larkin is wasting the SFPD’s valuable time by forcing them to respond to a conflict which is totally nonviolent. Furthermore: your willful participation in such skulduggery will only gain you a black mark by our Peace Keepers here in the Castro, causing you to be less than appreciated by those who lay their lives on the line each and every day. Which may result in them not responding to your call should you ever truly find yourself in jeopardy.

If your foolish housemate believes he has a legitimate gripe against me, he needs to contact an attorney and proceed with a civil suit against me. Which suit, I assure you, I will win in short shrift. For I have done nothing wrong, and have only defended my right to stroll my neighborhood of more than 30 years in relative safety.

So the ball is now in your court: if you continue to be Larkin’s puppet and harass me or spread wicked gossip against yours truly, you will have to accept the unfortunate circumstances of my victory. For I have more documentation against Larkin’s abuses than you could ever shake a stick at.

Good luck with your abusive roommate.

Most sincerely,

Ezekiel J. Krahlin